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10 reasons to hate every console

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To call gaming PCs a “console” isn’t accurate at all. In fact, proponents of PC gaming continue to claim that PCs are infinitely smarter, cooler and more “1337” than consoles, despite the fact that everyone has one and there are more Nancy Drew games for them than for any other system. Clearly, such arrogance cannot go unchallenged.

Windows Vista is an abomination: When you have to base an entire ad campaign around the fact that people think your shiny new OS is shit, then you’ve got a serious problem on your hands. When Microsoft made Vista the centerpiece of its Games for Windows initiative, it introduced PC gamers to a whole new world of oppressive digital-rights management and obnoxious hand-holding that results in Windows asking you repeatedly if you’re sure you want to launch a game or go online. With a few fixes, it’s possible to make Vista tolerable, but until then it’s a pain in the ass that sent hordes of serious PC gamers running back to XP.


Above: Are you sure you want to do that thing you just tried to do? Vista frets ever so

Constantly having to update drivers: Again, one of the nice things about consoles is that there’s no need to worry about the hardware; it’s all been taken care of for you, and all the components are guaranteed to work as advertised. Meanwhile, adding new hardware to PCs can be a hit-or-miss nightmare. Conflicts can erupt between new components, and plugging in so much as a new controller frequently means you either have to install its driver off a disc, or go hunting for it online. And then some of your drivers will conflict with other drivers, and you’ll need to download new drivers to fix those conflicts, but then the new drivers conflict with other drivers, and pretty soon “PlayStation” doesn’t sound like the bad word you used to think it was.

MMOs are rapidly taking over: First there was EverQuest, and it was good. Then there were City of Heroes, Lineage, World of WarCraft, EverQuest II, Final Fantasy XI, Star Wars: Galaxies, Planetside and Anarchy Online, and they were mostly good. Now, however, the wild popularity of MMOs (particularly in Korea) has led to a nuclear shitsplosion of largely forgettable, mostly free-to-play and mostly terrible massive games that drop rapidly in and out of the collective internet consciousness and seem to have gone from a cool novelty to the primary form of communication by humans on Earth.


Above: It's seriously getting to the point where we can't tell these things apart anymore

Ridiculously expensive to maintain a state-of-the-art rig: Strange as it might sound, the biggest advantage consoles have over PCs is that – while PC standards change at a much faster pace – consoles are locked into five-year cycles. During that time, the hardware the machine shipped with is, simply, what developers have to work with. The only arms race is between the console manufacturers themselves, and you’re almost guaranteed not to have to buy costly add-ons just to play the newest games.


Above: Want your games to look this good? Let's hope you have deep pockets

PCs, meanwhile, are effective training for the next Cold War, as graphics-card manufacturers continually try to outdo each other and the truly hardcore desperately try to buy more machine than their rivals. And that shit is expensive, with high-end cards and processors running hundreds of dollars all by themselves, and quality rigs easily costing thousands.

Multi-platform games get no love on PC: Dark Sector, which shipped to consoles a full year ago, was only just now released for PCs. Devil May Cry 4 was months behind its console cousins, Halo 1 and 2 came out years after appearing on Xbox (and they sucked) and every Grand Theft Auto game since III has seen a hefty delay before appearing on PCs. And when they aren’t delayed, multi-platform PC releases tend to be lame afterthoughts with crappy controls and no interest in any of the advantages that PCs as a platform offer.


Above: Seriously? This is only just now coming to PCs?

Developers need to either make PC development a strong priority, or not bother with it at all, because all these late and substandard ports aren’t really doing PC gamers' perception of console gaming any favors.

Zero quality control: Much like trying to buy third-party games for the Wii, looking for quality PC games with no external guidance means wading through tons of shareware, freeware and shovelware before you find something you like. We might not mind it so much, except that the crap increasingly floods retail shelves while decent releases have slowed to a trickle. That’s probably going to be the case as gaming becomes more popular and more mainstream, but that doesn’t mean we have to like it.


Above: OH BOY PRISON TYCOON

Patches: These, quite possibly, are the worst thing to ever happen to game development. It used to be that devs had one shot at getting their software right, and it had to be ironclad and (at least mostly) bug-free before it could be sent out into the wild. Then the internet came along, and with it came the concept of downloading updates and patches to fix problems in games that should have been caught during the testing stage. Suddenly it became OK for publishers to ship out games that were problematic or unfinished, because they could just release a patch down the road and make everything OK. Infuriatingly, this concept has bled over into console games, which were once the last bastion of careful testing and quality control, but have now become just as slipshod as their PC cousins. 

This can also make playing MMOs a pain in the ass, as they’ll frequently need to download and install hefty patches before you can even get online and play.

Horrible draconian copy protection: As piracy gets more rampant, publishers become more paranoid about protecting their investments. The problem is that their “protection” often does more harm to legitimate customers than to the people who are trying to steal games. And so we see horrible bullshit like the SecuROM copy protection in Spore, which originally required weekly re-authentication and still limits the number of installations you can perform to five – bad news for anyone who has to frequently restore or rebuild their machines. Other protection schemes, like StarForce, have been accused of quietly installing malware.


Above: Oh, what might have been...

If all you want to do is play a damn game, being forced to jump through multiple hoops just to prove to the publisher that you deserve to own the game you bought is more than just maddening – it’s offensive.

Assholes screaming into headsets: Do you think Xbox owners invented the idea of yelling racial slurs at strangers online? Years before the advent of Live, Windows users were flooding the internets with noise that went way beyond trash talk and crossed over into insane hate-ranting. It’s never been quite as widespread as on Xbox Live, partly because you actually have to sink a little money and effort into online voice chat, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.


Above: YOU STARTED THIS

PC snobs: Hey, guess what, genius? Playing games on a PC isn’t the gaming equivalent of a doctorate in physics, and being able to appreciate the subtle depths of real-time strategy and depressingly realistic combat sims doesn’t necessarily make you any smarter than someone who likes Halo or Metal Gear. All it means is that you enjoy playing a different kind of game on a system that’s the most expensive (yet most widespread) option on the market. Enjoy it all you want, but don’t go assuming that your ability to run Crysis is directly proportional to your worth as a person.


Above: The first image that came up when we searched for 'snob'

That said, you’re right: multi-platform releases are still frequently dumbed down for the benefit of console players. That shit needs to stop.

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104 comments

  • aaron171 - April 25, 2011 1:38 p.m.

    i know this is article is over 2 years old, but some gamecube games ported to the wii weren't all that bad. Okami, Zelda: Twilight Princess, Resident Evil 4 (better on the wii IMO because of the aiming and added content), and last but not least, Metroid Prime trilogy
  • DARK_SIDE - January 5, 2010 5:36 p.m.

    hahaha great article GR! bring on the hate. haha snob!! the "incomprehensibly creepy"...couldn't...stop...laughing!! music lovers + DS = unhappy person(possible insanity). upgrade?...NNNNOOOOOO!!!! I think the analog nub is fine where it is though. haha mistyped "Ooops - that's not what was written in the image. You may be a robot. Try again"
  • kaneman - December 2, 2009 5:41 a.m.

    "Even the disappointing MotorStorm: Pacific Rift came straight from Sony." Im sorry gamesradar is usually spot on but motorstorm is one of the most fucking awesome racers ever, the graphics are awesome the tracks are awesome and diverse and u can play your own music so the above statement is complete and utter bullshit.
  • AuthorityFigure - November 23, 2009 10:27 a.m.

    Wii controls: "This shit isn’t putting you in the game – it’s taking you out of it like never before." I think GR better go back and read some of its own reviews!
  • BoneyardWolf - April 19, 2009 5:03 a.m.

    WTH is a GameCube? And are those gamepads? How the hell do u hold that thing?! It looks worse then the Xbox pads. Eww.. Thank God for PS's Dualshock.
  • samdamana - April 15, 2009 3:52 a.m.

    I CANZ PLEY CRYSIS ON DA MAX!!!!! YOU CANT YOU POOOOOOR NOOOOOOOBS!!!! HAHAHAHAH NO LIEF=NO CRYSIS (I jk)
  • TheAnswer - April 5, 2009 6:33 p.m.

    I agree with gamesradar a little because every system has its flaws like the 360 makes you pay unneccesary amounts of money for there stupid accessory if microsoft can payrockstar that much for an add on why cant they just come out with a system with ever ything built in like sony but on the other hand microsoft has a good selection of games which would b the only reason id get one Now sony in my opinion is my favorite.psn online is great and the online connection is great wifi or not and yes your internet connection does have a lot to do with your online connection asswipes. and even though downloading the updates for your games is kinda shitty lol ( im downloading an upgrade right now thats been going on for an hour) its not exactly required if u just want to play. And also if i hear another fucking complaint about there being to many assholes when u play online xbox live or psn fucking deal with it theres assholes every fucking where and no there not going anywhere no time soon
  • RedOutlive10 - April 4, 2009 11:11 p.m.

    I don't own a Wii but I feel bad for the ones who do. I would buy a Nintendo console mostly for the homemade awesome franchises such as Zelda, but there's no Wii Zelda game yet, just a GC port. While at it, the "casual" (I would classify them as crap because you can't tolerate a casual session of them) floods the game selling stands. Doh.
  • ppopopp - April 2, 2009 11:55 p.m.

    Well you guys keep doing it. I LOVE your top xx articles. Man...
  • TripleAD - April 1, 2009 7:11 p.m.

    The random crap you find on the Wii really makes my blood boil. Xbox 360 FTW
  • lxTylerxl - April 1, 2009 4:37 p.m.

    This article is total bull. The PS3is the best system ever made and for you to compair it to the Gamecube? That's just wrong and for all you little Bill Gates dick suckers the PSN is not one bit laggy I have a Xbox and a PS3 and I play online with both and i found that the PS3 actually is better than Xbox because you dont have people and their stupidity on PS3. And this last one goes out to GamesRadar SCREW YOU who cares if sony makes their own exclusives their Japanese they know what they are doing especially with those games you mentioned let me see here Halo series made by??? MICROSOFT Gears of War series?? MICROSOFT!!! And xbox charges for EVERYTHING even online which you shouldn't pay for because you already have to pay for internet PS3 PS3 PS3 PS3 PS3 PS3 is the best console ever and its so expensive because wi-fi and bluray is build in GamesRadar shove this whole article up you stupid little asses.
  • UsernameAlreadyInUse - April 1, 2009 2:37 a.m.

    lol this is the first thing i found when i looked up snob http://thewholegardenwillbow.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/snob.jpg
  • gmilf71 - April 1, 2009 1:23 a.m.

    by the way, upon reading some more of these comments, there are some major A-hole x-bots and ps-fanboys, and its really starting to piss me of. and psn is free for a reason. ITS CONECTIONS SUCK!!!!!!
  • villainstone - April 1, 2009 midnight

    "Windows Vista is an abomination" What a bias NOOB statement. Where did this guy crawl out of? I would like to get one serious viable reason Vista sucks. I will not say that it is the best OS, then again there is no best. With that statement he really blew his credibility out the windows.
  • drgnrbrn316 - March 31, 2009 2 p.m.

    @Cernunnos I'm not looking to get into an Xbox vs PS3 debate with you. Yes, it was good business to plunk down money to secure exclusive content, that wasn't my point. My point is that for all your talk of the customer coming first, R* essentially signed a deal that told the people who owned the ~5.5 million copies of PS3 GTA4 where they could stick their game, which ranks just short of half of the install base for the game. If it was about customers, they'd have created content that would see sales from 12 million gamers instead of taking a chunk of cash and flipping half those gamers off in the process. I realize its business first for any company, but that is a pretty blatant move that shows that Rockstar is willing to throw you under the bus if someone wants to pony up the cash.
  • Cernunnos - March 31, 2009 8:16 a.m.

    @drgnrbrn316: GTA IV is far better than san andreas, if only GTA IV had the hydra (or any other plane) it would be perfect. GTA IV coming to 360 WAS a fan-service. at that time, how many people owned ps3-s? and how many of those were likely to be GTA-fans? by making it multiplatform they made it accesible to more fans, much more fans. MS dont buy exclusives to screw sony or its fans over, but to ensure the 360 a good line-up. seing as the sales for the ps3 would have most likely been halved had it not been for MGS4, everyone can see the power of good exclusives. if anyone is evil, its sony. basically saying they want costumers to sell their kidney in order to afford a ps3, claiming it to be oh-so unique and then copying almost every aspect of the 360's functions with firmware updates. the customers are number 1, which is WHY rockstar favoured the 360, it has bigger install base, hence more GTA fans (and money, of course).
  • tjawesome - March 30, 2009 10:55 p.m.

    i totally agree about the umd movies, what were they thinking? it would make sense if it could be used in another machine or something.
  • darkside17 - March 30, 2009 9:05 p.m.

    I love the week of hate
  • GamesRadarMikelReparaz - March 30, 2009 8:51 p.m.

    @yonderTheGreat: The complaint isn't that the 360 should include built-in WiFi - it's that there's no reason for the WiFi adaptor to cost $100. Not when PC wireless cards cost around $15, and the Wii and DS manage to include WiFi and still be the cheapest systems on the market.
  • Sonneilon - March 30, 2009 8:33 p.m.

    It would seem to me that MS shelling out $$$ for exclusives makese sense. GR might hate it, but that needs to happen to separate the consoles. Isn't that how Sony got big with the PSX? By having games that was only for it and couldn't be played on the Sega DC? Sony needs to step up and have the 3rd parties get in on the act. Sure, Sony's got great games and all... I dunno, maybe it's a typ of business strategy. Rely on 3rd party or buy up 3rd parties to produce. Hmmmmm....

Showing 1-20 of 104 comments

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