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30 rules every RPG must follow

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With your hometown destroyed there will be no more odd jobs to do for the locals, so it’s time to head to the next village and see what work you can do for there.

By now you should have met at least a couple people who share your inclination to walk around doing quests for people, and one of them will direct you to a nearby port city. From there you’ll hear about the oracle, seer, wiseman or whoever in the city far across the ocean. When you get in a boat…


The first time you have to go anywhere by boat, you’re going to be attacked by a sea monster. It’ll be large enough to simply sink your boat, but being a sporting sort of monster, the giant calamari will literally be fighting just you, not the ship. It’ll let you stand on the deck and fight in formation instead of just smashing the mast and leaving you stranded.


Above: It’s just a raft, purple octopus man 

Remember, it’s vulnerable to fire because of the “living in the water” thing, and you’ll be fine. Until…


It will look like all your friends died, but they didn't. They’ll turn up later. Some will have amnesia, but you can fight them until they remember who you are.


Above: A traditional role-playing amnesia cure 

On the other side of the ocean, you’ll eventually find a large city with strange customs and the next tier of weapons available at the weapon store. To find out what to do next…


These kinds of places always know what to do, despite having never met you before and having no idea who you are.

Unfortunately, you’ll have to do some work before the temple guards will grant you access. They always have a nearby shrine that they’ll send you to go investigate before letting you in. Because the shrine is located outside of town, it should come as no surprise that it’s been infested with monsters. Use your adventuring skills to chop off their heads and report back to the temple to…


This reclusive lady is known only as the oracle because she’s older than everyone else, we think. She will tell you about one or both of the following…

 


Whether it’s the government or the church being the bad guys, your real problem is going to be an ancient evil from, like, at least 1,000 years ago. It’s been sealed away but recently found a way to manipulate some high-ranking officials who are in the process of reviving it.

Above: An example of ancient evil 

 


They were called “The Ancients.” This highly advanced race had just about everything figured out and left crumbs of technology scattered through the world for you to uncover. They would be happy to defeat the evil themselves, but unfortunately for them, they mysteriously disappeared about untold ages ago. Nowadays, very few people even realize they ever existed.


Above: Ancient evil or The Ancients technology? It works either way!

There’s only one sure method of defeating ancient evil that can also reveal the past of a long-forgotten super race, and that’s to head into the frozen north. The Northern Northlands are always where they keep the one object that you’ll absolutely need to defeat the dark lord and it’s an artifact left behind by the mysterious Ancients.

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77 comments

  • A2guy - July 14, 2009 4:09 a.m.

    I say this mostly apllies to jrpg's. still funny, though.
  • r3ap3r - July 1, 2009 3:17 a.m.

    this never stops gettin better awesome article
  • Bodock - June 30, 2009 12:06 a.m.

    does it have to have airships o.o and a seamonster
  • RedOutlive10 - March 6, 2009 3:04 p.m.

    Nice one, it's funny how many RPGs follow a similar plot. Good thing we have companies such as BioWare trying different setups.
  • hacman12 - March 6, 2009 1:41 a.m.

    ... creepy how good he is isn't it
  • Orionthefirst - March 5, 2009 10:56 p.m.

    Heheheh...Kain, you drunken mutheafrerergh.......
  • erreip199 - March 5, 2009 5:20 p.m.

    ive noticed some of this rules follow other game genres too especially the 3 stage final boss
  • MadCowDisease - March 5, 2009 1:49 a.m.

    Just awesome.
  • blackshark - March 4, 2009 9:07 p.m.

    also ur grandpa dies, so true lol
  • GawainBS - March 4, 2009 6:56 p.m.

    From which RPG is the latest screenshot in point 23? It's just above point 24 and tells about the smell in the Ancient Temple. ;-)
  • worl - March 4, 2009 3:09 p.m.

    Haha so true... Btw what is the game pictured on #8 ?
  • Tomsta666 - March 4, 2009 1:25 p.m.

    Rule #31 Be boring as fuck
  • phoenix_wings - March 4, 2009 9:36 a.m.

    It's awesome how you can find things with so much in common you can just generalize almost every single item in that category. I did that once with most of the Adam Sandler movies. Great article. This is the reason I come here instead of IGN. That, and half of the links I click on there take me someplace completely different.
  • GRwarrior - March 4, 2009 7:34 a.m.

    LOL awesome article FTW btw dont you think the words at the bottom we have to type are creepy? OC- Ellcr for christs sake
  • game-thugsta - March 4, 2009 1:36 a.m.

    someone close to you must die.... EVERY RPG GAME. usually a family member or love interest
  • norid - March 4, 2009 12:08 a.m.

    awesome article
  • charley235 - March 3, 2009 11:38 p.m.

    lol at the everythings true thing
  • Romination - March 3, 2009 11:35 p.m.

    yeah i have to be the douchebag that finds things that don't follow it. sigh... i still love you, paul. have my kids.
  • xFnKxTaLeNtx - March 3, 2009 11:20 p.m.

    Don't know what to say other than it was a good read. It made no sense at all, but still wanted me to finish the article... Weird
  • LionheartAce - March 3, 2009 10:47 p.m.

    ULTROS!!! That son of a bitch.

Showing 1-20 of 77 comments

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