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GamesRadar Ultimate Character Battle! - Day 1

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It's an argument that's dominated schoolyards for millennia: If you were to somehow pit Fictional Character X against Fictional Character Y, who would win? And nowhere is that argument fought more frequently, or with more passion, than on the internet. In the interest of finally jumping on that old bandwagon, we've put together our own massive tournament to determine - once and for all - the greatest videogame character of all time.

Our scientific methods were to have our entire staff call out names as we wrote them on a giant whiteboard, after which we wrote all the names down on little scraps of paper and stuck them in a hat. Then, a shadowy cabal of elite GamesRadar editors met in absolute secrecy to draw out the names and have a free-form discussion to determine the likeliest (or, failing that, the most amusing) outcome for each scenario. From now through Thursday, we'll be chronicling the results, beginning with 64 characters today and continuing until there's just one left. Let's begin!

Day 1Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 

ROUND 1

 FROM: The Legend of Zelda series/Final Fantasy VII

Cloud’s too busy being an emo bitch to notice the fight's even started. Instead, he sits around cutting himself and absentmindedly breaking pieces off of his brittle hair. Link lunges out from behind Cloud's couch and snaps Cloud’s Fall Out Boy CD collection. Cloud cries. Link wins.


FROM: Tomb Raider series/Disney Skateboard Adventure

Lara Croft is the beloved, battle-hardened veteran of eight games, widely known for cheating death, carrying powerful firearms and killing dangerous wildlife. Simba, however, can move diagonally. Simba wins.


FROM: Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol/Super Mario series

Luigi's only real abilities are to twiddle his feet and carry a ghost vacuum that he didn't even invent, and Simon capitalizes on this as he berates Luigi with withering criticism. Luigi storms out of the room in tears and yells to the cameras that "y'all be sorry when Luigi come back a supastar and y'all be nobody! Y'all gonna see! Y'ALL GONNA SEE!" Simon wins.


FROM: Resident Evil 2 and 4/Sam & Max series

Ada Wong enters with a back flip in slow-mo John Woo style, and an intense firefight erupts as Sam and Max draw their oversized pistols and begin shooting in random directions. Eventually, the pair decides that bullets won't work, and start clicking on everything and attempting to combine objects in their pockets with things. Ada takes advantage of their confusion and shoots them, and they die. Again. Ada wins.


FROM: Def Jam Vendetta/Gears of War

Ghostface Killah would, uh, try to rap at Marcus? And Marcus probably goes and chainsaws him in half or whatever. We don’t give a shit. Marcus wins.


FROM: Final Fantasy VII/Mega Man series

Sephiroth descends from the sky accompanied deafening opera music, looking all grandiose and moody. Mega Man fires one of Tengu Man's propellers, and it catches on Sephiroth's hair, tangling it hopelessly. Mega Man then switches over to Cut Man's flying scissor things and flings one of them at Sephiroth, chopping his hair off and detaching him from the propeller. With his hair cut short, everyone can see Sephiroth's "Asian character" back tattoo, which he got because he thought it meant "Majestic Wolf Spirit," only to later learn that it actually reads "Penis Diarrhea Sexual Predator" in Chinese. Sephiroth dies of shame.



FROM: WWE SmackDown! vs RAW/Space Channel 5

Even though Cena should be able to win, having infinitely more upper-body strength and hand-to-hand grappling experience than Ulala, the WWE's pre-fight choreographers decide the fans will like it better if Ulala wins. Ulala wins. Then she celebrates with a dance. In space.


FROM: Dead Rising/Max Payne

Kent the Giggling Photographer Prick takes a bunch of pictures as Max Payne flies toward him in slow motion, guns drawn. Before Max can fire, however, Kent shows him the pictures, which were developed and printed while Max was still in bullet time. "Dear god, I look like the blood-caked streets of a junk widow's shattered dreams," Max hisses, so shocked by his own constipated expression that he reflexively pops a bottle of painkillers. Unfortunately for Max, his rampant abuse of over-the-counter drugs has finally hit its breaking point, and he slips into a coma before suffering a fatal heart attack. Kent wins.


FROM: Portal/Ratchet & Clank series

When Ratchet sees a crate, he feels compelled to smash it open with his wrench, and the Companion Cube is no exception. Unbeknownst to Ratchet, however, the Companion Cube has shown no weakness to any destructive force except fire. Instead of shattering, it goes flying, ricochets off a nearby wall and smacks Ratchet full force in the face. The Companion Cube wins with the power of love.

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19 comments

  • Security77 - May 1, 2011 3:13 p.m.

    *Spoiler Alert* Hah, now we know that nothing can stop the companion cube! Not even fire!
  • Miles_Endsly - April 11, 2011 9:18 p.m.

    This single article has shown me the light... Mario truly is wonderful...
  • REDman171 - November 28, 2010 5:54 p.m.

    cool
  • Bonesqaw - November 17, 2010 6:13 p.m.

    Greatest character battle of all time!
  • Hellwilder - September 26, 2009 1:33 p.m.

    There goes Cloud's Fall Out Boy CD collection xD
  • Corsair89 - October 8, 2008 8:22 p.m.

    Why is Mario really really evil in this?
  • Da-Ku - September 5, 2008 2:33 p.m.

    He has a point
  • Black_X_1111 - September 1, 2008 1:37 a.m.

    That wasnt a fair fight. The internet shouldn,t have been aloud to fight!! I want a rematch!!!!
  • Narudude360 - June 25, 2009 11:32 p.m.

    TEEEEEEEEEEEEEETEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka WakkaWakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka WaWakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka.
  • Elfangor01 - May 31, 2009 3:06 a.m.

    This is probably among the funniest things I have ever read, this made my summer last year thank you Gamesradar, and revisiting it brings back so much nostalgia.
  • diddly - April 28, 2009 8:47 p.m.

    this is an amazing article!! Bets fight = "The dog laughs. Gordon bashes his head in with a crowbar. Everyone laughs." oh, ya. That and tony hawk does a wicked kickflip.... this game sucks. Never laughed so hard, thanks alot for this.
  • Yar - September 17, 2009 4:18 p.m.

    This was a pretty good article, but you went from comedic to serious and back too many times. I mean, Sub Zero beats Starfox, Gordon Freeman, Mario, and then Sly Cooper, and then you just show a scene from the MK movie and say he's out. The internet should've never beaten anyone either. Link would pwn the internet. :P
  • Kruton - June 1, 2009 4:09 p.m.

    Holy shit, where did you get that evil pacman picture? I want it.
  • Hurricrane - May 30, 2009 11:56 p.m.

    LOL Roman calls Snake, brilliant
  • fatcat275 - May 19, 2009 5:35 a.m.

    The Mario and Niko ones made me laugh until I cried gravy. strange.
  • magicxmaster - April 27, 2009 10:22 p.m.

    mario cant be evil
  • skyguy343 - April 27, 2009 8:15 p.m.

    @ Corsair89 cuz mario is a total badass ;) easily one of their best articles, but hulk vs interwebs?
  • theschwartzb - April 7, 2009 11:02 p.m.

    rofl "The dog laughs. Gordon bashes his head in with a crowbar." that is some funny shit right thar.
  • C-C-C-C-ComboCro - January 21, 2009 5:32 a.m.

    PAINTY WOLF WINS!!!!

Showing 1-19 of 19 comments

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