This is part 3 of a weeklong series of features. Click here for part 1 and part 2.
| Day 2
| Day 3
| Day 4
Whether through pure grit or pure luck, 16 of the 64 characters we started with on Monday remain standing after two days of brutal, winner-take-all fighting. With four rounds to go, which one of these brave warriors will survive long enough to emerge as the best videogame character of all time? Only time - and another series of ridiculous, messy battles - will tell.
To determine who's the best, the five shadowy editors who've been behind this week's competition once again piled into a locked, smoke-filled room to draw names out of a hat and use their encyclopedic gaming knowledge to determine, through stream-of-consciousness discussion, the likeliest (or silliest) way each match would go down. Here are the results:
ROUND 3: BEGIN!
FROM: Pokémon series/Portal
Oh, shit! We were totally rooting for the Companion Cube to win this thing, but we forgot it's weak against fire! Um, um... the Companion Cube is so scared for its life that it pulls out a pair of nickel-plated revolvers and fires them wildly while falling down a staircase backward in slow motion while a flock of doves flies past. The Charizard leaps into the staircase, also in slow motion, only to be perforated by the Companion Cube's bullets. It rolls down the stairs and lands in a heap in front of the prone Companion Cube, its black trenchcoat flapping in the breeze. Just then, the captive cheerleaders storm in and carry the Companion Cube out on their shoulders. A ticker-tape parade is held in its honor, and it is personally congratulated by the President.
Outside the world of its imagination, however, the Companion Cube sits still and melts impassively as the Charizard unleashes a torrent of flaming death. Charizard wins.
FROM: Pong/The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction
HULK SNAP PUNY PONG PADDLE OVER KNEE! RARRRGH! HULK STRONGEST AND PRETTIEST AND BEST AT EVERYTHING! HULK EARN MBA FROM YALE! BWAAAAARGGGH! HULK WIN!
FROM: The Legend of Zelda series/Bioshock
With his fire arrows, ice arrows and wind boomerang, Link has pretty much all the same powers that Bioshock's plasmids offer. But it turns out he doesn't need them, because that huge ball and chain thing he acquired in Twilight Princess does an extremely good job of smashing apart anything wearing armor. After whirling the wrecking ball around his head a few times, he releases it and violently caves in the Big Daddy's faceplate. Link wins.
FROM: Resident Evil 2 and 4/Space Channel 5
We thought long and hard about this one, as it's a potentially complex matchup. How would Ulala's raygun and synchronized-dance skills fare against Ada's ruthless efficiency, lethal arsenal and seeming ability to come back from the dead? Would she even have a chance in hell?
We must have pondered this one for a good 15 seconds before remembering that we write for a mostly male, teenage audience. So we just decided to draw them making out instead:
Above: JOURNALISM! (Click image for enlarged credibility)
THE WINNER = THE INTERNET!