On the internet, character battles are nothing new – and all too frequently, they’re little more than popularity contests, with fans voting in online polls to determine which of their favorite characters would “win” in a “fight.” While we’re fans of democracy, some hypothetical situations are better decided by experts. So for Week of Hate 2011, we’ve pulled together some of GamesRadar’s most foremost experts (on… stuff) and used our patented scientific methods to come up with a list of 32 of gaming’s most hated, incompetent, annoying characters, and then decide who would win in a fight based on names drawn from a hat.
The brackets are set, the combatants are ready, and the fights are probably fixed. It’s anyone’s guess who’ll win, but one thing is sure: whoever comes out ahead, you’ll probably hate them.
Baby Mario vs Watchog
From: Yoshi’s Island, Pokemon
Watchog begins his usual hateful routine of alternating between hypnosis and sleep attacks, but Baby Mario’s brain isn’t developed enough to be hypnotized, and he’s too fussy to sleep. The rest of the fight is a blur of violence and indignity, as Mario yanks off his soiled diaper and pulls it, wetly, over Watchog’s head. His opponent blinded, Mario begins to carve off pieces of Watchog to make a sandwich, which he then force-feeds to watchog, who chokes to death on flesh and feces.
Winner: Baby Mario
Jason Mars vs John Madden
From: Heavy Rain, Madden NFL
As Madden reluctantly steps out onto the field of combat, Jason starts to wander off. Madden tries to follow, but Jason is exceptionally fast, and Madden finds it impossible to keep up or figure out the boy’s playbook. As Jason continues to run amok, Madden has to follow him in the Madden Cruiser. Just as Ethan Mars wanders onto the field, yelling Jason’s name repeatedly, Jason spots a particularly interesting piece of litter across the street and is immediately (and accidentally) run over by the Cruiser.
Winner: John Madden
Flowchart Ken vs The Agency Director
From: Street Fighter IV, Crackdown
Players who always pick Ken in Street Fighter IV are irritating enough, but they become ten times more so when using a “flowchart” approach and spamming the same special moves over and over again. Flowchart Ken launches into one flamng shoryuken after another, none of which have any effect as the Director is almost never anything other than a disembodied voice. “Keep trying, agent! Maybe someday it’ll work!” the Director bellows in his most patronizing voice. Ken’s fiery attacks continue unabated, never once touching the intangible Director, until he dies of exhaustion and third-degree burns.
Winner: The Agency Director
Catalina vs Hope
From: Grand Theft Auto III/San Andreas, Final Fantasy XIII
Upon seeing Hope, Catalina’s eyebrows shoot up, her nostrils flare and she launches into a withering, unprovoked critique of Hope’s manhood, his hairstyle and the looks he’s been giving that slut Vanille. Somewhere in the diatribe, Catalina offhandedly calls Hope “cholo.” Not knowing what a cholo is, Hope becomes consumed by self-doubt and broods himself into a nightmare. As he goes catatonic, Catalina gives him all her STDs. Even the ones still unknown to modern medicine, one of which has the side effect of maxing out the levels of RPG characters. In possession of the best magic in the game, Hope throws a boomerang (for reasons we’ll never know), and then throws a tantrum summon. The tantrum is so magical that it cures Catalina’s STDs and causes her hymen to regrow and implode. Then, uh, a dinosaur attacks?
Winner: Hope, sure
Wendy Oldbag vs Shinnok
From: Ace Attorney, Mortal Kombat
As the two senior citizens stare each other down, Gabriel Knight walks by and is killed by an unrelated stray bullet. “Aw shucks, looks like I just died,” Knight gasps through mouthfuls of blood. Passing pedestrians shrug and step over his corpse, not knowing or caring who he is.
So, yeah, Shinnok and Oldbag. Unsure of how to begin, the two size each other up through narrowed eyes and begin raining hails of insults at each other. However, both find the insults to be a huge turn-on and immediately begin making out. So begins a whirlwind relationship that captures the hearts of a nation, eventually becoming the subject of a lurid made-for-TV movie. However, on viewing it, Shinnok sees that veteran actor Wilford Brimley was picked to play him, and contracts diabeetus from the sight. Several incredibly dated jokes about Quaker Oats later, Shinnok dies on the couch, leaving Wendy Oldbag alone in an uncaring world.
Winner(?): Wendy Oldbag
Clippy vs The Adoring Fan
From: Microsoft Office/Ribbon Hero 2, The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Clippy asks Adoring Fan if he needs help writing his resume. Adoring Fan naturally adores Clippy, so he says yes. Clippy then asks if Adoring Fan wants help constructing his coffin. However, Adoring Fan is unkillable and also fantastically dense, so Clippy’s badass quip just goes to waste. Just then, a passing John Madden mistakes Adoring Fan’s head for a Dairy Queen sundae and, after unhinging his jaw like a snake, swallows it whole. Locked out of his bus, Madden then tries to bend Clippy into a lockpick, but accidentally bends him into a swastika instead. Clippy then asks if we want to save this document and we decide to call it a day and move on.
Beggar Woman vs Mango Sentinel
From: Assassin’s Creed, Marvel vs Capcom
Sentinel shoots lasers and fists, and he’s got a frying pan that he hits people with (probably). He also has the ability to melt people’s flesh off their bones and is a jerk. Beggar Woman assumes that, being a large, murderous robot, Mango Sentinel is clearly a man of means and therefore will give her money. Unlike Altair or Ezio, Mango Sentinel feels no mercy and is bad at stealth. He also doesn’t have a gently-push-person-aside move, so he vaporizes Beggar Woman instead. But don’t worry: she was poor, so nobody cares.
Winner: Mango Sentinel
Green Bird vs The Black Baron
From: Angry Birds, MadWorld
One is a bird that turns into a boomerang, and the other is a giant man in minstrel makeup. After being tapped a split-second too late, Green Bird misses Black Baron entirely and falls into a crevice. Black Baron shrugs, goes home and watches the movie Boomerang. Green Bird watches it with him, only to laugh too hard at a racist joke, causing Black Baron to become very uncomfortable. Green Bird dies of shame.
Winner: The Black Baron
NEXT PAGE: Round 1 continues as the remaining 16 rejects go head-to-head