Cruel summer
Summer. It should be the optimum time for gaming. The annual games drought has started, leaving a few solid months of play-time in which to clear up last year's Christmas backlog before the autumn release schedule starts kicking in like an angry mule with a hangover. But there's a problem with summer. It's summer. The weather is great, there's plenty going on outside, and thus you're irretrievably drawn to the outside world, devoid as it is of TVs, monitors and convenient power supplies.
But there's a solution. Gamify all of those outdoor summer activities. Modify them so that they provide the same core experiences that video games furnish. Do that, and although you might be far from a controller or a mouse, you'll never be away from the gaming you crave. We've worked out nine such options, and if you click on we'll happily explain how they work.
Simulate an MMO...
...by going to a sunny beer garden alone, befriending a few random strangers, and persuading them to go on a pub crawl with you. Just make sure to refer to it as a raid, and for extra authenticity try to communicate with your new friends only via text message.
Simulate FPS...
...by painting your barbecue red, soaking the coals with petrol, and then lighting it with a burning match fired from a Nerf gun. Extra points if you have time to construct a home-made barbecue out of an actual barrel.
And as a follow-up barbecue activity, once the food is ready to go why not...
Simulate reading game reviews...
...by asking a friend if they like their burger. If they say "Yes", tell them that they're an idiot for liking that burger, as the relish is clearly more cheap and commercial these days. Exclaim that they're obviously being paid by the burger manufacturer to promote their burgers. If, however, they say "No" (like for instance, if their burger is burnt), call them an idiot for not liking it, on the grounds that you happen to really like burnt burgers and thus they are inalienably wrong. Make sure to also accuse them of taking bribes from sausage manufacturers for bad-mouthing burgers.
Simulate an Elder Scrolls game...
...by going to the beach and fighting a crab. And while you're at the coast, why not...
Simulate GTA III and early Assassin's Creed...
...by simply sitting down and staring at the sea in primitive dread.
Simulate draw distance...
...by going on a ramble through the countryside wearing powerful convex lenses. Usually used to treat long-sightedness, these will blur out everything in the distance by focusing the incoming light nearer to your eyes, thereby creating an authentic distance-fog effect. If you're already short-sighted, just take your glasses off. Use of convex lenses will give you the extreme PS1 experience, but you'll have to be very careful around cliffs.
Simulate old-school arcade gaming...
...by having a picnic consisting only of whole roast chickens and fruit. For ultimate authenticity, serve all the food out of a bin.
And as an additional picnic activity, why not...
Simulate survival horror...
...by shooting the inevitable wasps with a Super Soaker. If you want an extreme challenge, pour a ring of fruit juice around the picnic area once the first wasps arrive in order to initiate your own Horde Mode.
Simulate a water level...
...by going swimming and making resolutely sure not to enjoy yourself. Make a point of trying to do normal, everyday, land-based activities in the pool, and complain that none of them work very well once water-resistance comes into the equation. Spend the rest of your week doing fun things, while occasionally thinking back and complaining to friends about "that one water day".
Off into the sunset?
So there's our guide to keeping summer gamey, whether there are games to be had or not. But have you got any other suggestions? Any ways you're finding to stop the summer fun from stopping your gaming? Let us know.
And while you're here, check out some of our other variously related stuff. Maybe try The Top 7... Games that deserve their own theme park attractions, and then give 11 random objects that look like gaming executives a go.
