It’s not easy being a horse, especially a horse who works at GamesRadar. As a proud equine, I once shined a spotlight on Rockstar Games’ subjugation of horses in Red Dead Redemption, only to see my call to arms later answered by a near perfect nine-out-of-ten review published on this very site. For shame GamesRadar. For shame. But I digress.
Today, my hatred for motion controls and my least favorite quadruped combine in an announcement from Microsoft for “Kinectimals Now with Bears!” That’s right, bears. Your Xbox 360 may soon play host to these malicious forest beasts in an upcoming expansion to Kinectimals. As one of the few games journalists in the world who actually spends some amount of time outdoors, let me tell you something. Next to cats and sharks, bears are pretty much the biggest bastards in the world.
Known for their stocky legs, rancid breath, and dirty fur, many species of bears are now considered endangered by the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) due to their low level of intellect and aggressive behavior. The only mammals known to rival the bear in terms of boorish manners and stupidity are, of course, homo sapiens, the ones responsible for creating and marketing the first Kinectimals last year.
“The fun never ends,” claims Microsoft in a press release hailing the “new adventure with bears.” The embarrassing romp begins with adopting one of five “adventurous bears.” The said bears are Black Bear, Grizzly Beaer, Cinnamon Bear, Glacier Bear, and Polar Bear – but if you ask this horse, once you’ve seen one bear, you’ve seen them all.
Above: Where do you think this bear got that whistle? The store? Bears love to eat human babies. Trust me, I'm a horse
Above: Beware of bears. This bear maimed Master Chief for a warthog. Who will be the next victim?
Kinectimals Now with Bears! will be available at retailers this autumn, but if you already own a copy of Kinectimals, you can save your weak human legs some work and download the Bear Island add-on directly from Xbox LIVE. If that’s the case, please also send me your home address so I can trot over there and give you and your 360 a much needed trampling.
Jul 26, 2011
First all-horse MMO leaves puny human girls in charge
First screens for Horse Stars a disappointment for equestrians
Game music of the day: Why do humans want sex with cats?
A REAL horse asks REAL questions about human nature and hentai
Red Dead Redemption promotes the subjugation of horses
Rockstar Games insensitive to its hardcore horse community