When gamers get bored...
Games are awesome, but sometimes they need a little more... profanity. Or strangeness. Or giant KKK penises. You know, the things we all want to see in games. All of us, right? RIGHT? Oh. Anyway...
Feel GTA is lacking creepy spider-goats? Mod away. Want Professor Oak to let loose his vulgar side? Hack it in. So here Ive compiled ten of the funniest hacks I could find to show you just how far some people will go to make their favourite games hilariously NSFW.
The giants and freaks of... FIFA
Generally speaking, having arms is quite an important life skill. It becomes absolutely vital, however, if you want to forge a career as a football goalkeeper. Shame no one told the gigantic, 20-foot, bow-legged, blue-headed, armless goalkeeper in this hack then.
FIFA hackers have something of a fondness of enormous players, and its not hard to see why. This separate FIFA hack sees players the size of small skyscrapers flopping and tumbling their way across the pitch like a herd of uncoordinated children. The penalty shootout at the end is comedy gold as random Goliaths fling themselves in front of the camera for no apparent reason--although my laughter was tempered as I realised this was still better than Englands best efforts during the last decade or so.
Nic Cage plays everyone in... Majora's Mask
Here at GamesRadar, the team has a bit of a thing for old Nic, so I can confidently predict that The Legend of Cage: Beneath the Mask is going to be a huge hit. Why? Because it replaces pretty much everything in The Legend of Zelda: Majoras Mask with Nicolas Cages face. Ev-ery-thing.
From horses, to the sun, to backpacks, nothing escapes. Appropriately, the Cage-face adorning your shield is angry, while the faces on the rupees are happy. Its like they thought of everything! Except why, oh God why, they were doing it. The hacker responsible even admitted to not knowing the answer in the video description, merely stating: We had no goal, only Cage. Actually, I suppose that is pretty reasonable.
Horses get violent in... GTA 4
Ever been carjacked by a horse? Shut up, its not a stupid question. Not if youve seen this hack, wherein Nico Bellic has been replaced by an anthropomorphic mare. But Id say carjacking is the least of your worries here, as the horses shooting stance animation has the beast mincing terrifyingly towards its target like some kind of awful crab. Just what is that thing?
Like FIFA, GTA seems like a ripe target for mischievous hackers. The many, many hilarious hacks I found featured giant ducks, Goku, lions, Spider-Man, The Incredible Hulk, and some insane guy called Yusuf. Wait, no, he was actually in the original game.
And spider-goats get terrifying in... GTA 4
Speaking of terrifying mincing, look no further than this insane hack. Looking like the spawn of an indestructible goat and that radioactive spider that bit Peter Parker, this GTA/Goat Simulator crossover will haunt your nightmares and tickle your funny bone in equal measure.
Who am I kidding? Its bloody weird. You might have laughed, but I couldnt hear it over my screaming. I mean, just look at the way that... things legs fold over each other as it climbs a building or out of the water. While it is pretty funny watching it lay waste to Liberty City, just make sure you close your eyes when it crawls.
Wilford Brimley gets punchy in... River City Ransom
Inspiration of a thousand meme images, Wilford Brimley shot to (internet) fame with his TV adverts promoting Quaker Oats and warning of diabetes (presumably not at the same time). But what many people dont know is that everyones favourite humanoid walrus released his own video game to help him spread the word.
Well thats not quite true, but you certainly can play a hacked version of River City Ransom that features him as the protagonist. How awesome is that? With some hilarious dialogue and a story that sees you battling the Cornflakes Gangs ambitions to rule breakfast, this hack is... *puts on sunglasses* oat of this world. Sorry.
The Exorcist boat in... Wind Waker
Zelda: The Wind Waker is a charming game, full of lovely visuals and delightful shenanigans. Which makes it all the more ghastly when you hear the jaunty music and gentle lapping of the waves, then see your boats dragon head silently spinning and twisting as if demonic possession is totally normal. No biggie.
In a way, this hack makes sense. Whats more appropriate than having a supernatural beast/boat hybrid get possessed by a supernatural being? Not putting it in a childrens game, obviously, but thats a minor point. I mean, clearly thats totally wrong and disturbing, but Ill be damned if I cant have my games totally wrong and disturbing. Theres a reason I love Stalin vs Martians so much.
Some raw language in... Pokemon
Despite the fact that, as kids, we all played it until our fingers bled and our promising futures withered and died, Pokmon is a disturbingly violent game. Aggressive tyrants keep the poor creatures captive and force them to perform for entertainment, all while maintaining this curious veneer that it is all fun and respectable. Much like what they do to Mary Berry.
Well someone has finally given us a Pokmon game that faces up to its true nature. I give you: Pokmon Poo Brown. For some people, Pokmon are pets. Others use them as slaves, exclaims a comically foul-mouthed Professor Oak. When you go to leave the town without a Pokmon he stops you, yelling What the flying donkey balls are you doing? Your mum watches porn and your first Pokmon is a level 100 Mewtwo to your rivals Rattata. Its rude, its hilarious, and goddamn I wish Id had a copy as a child.
Tiny white guys CAN jump in... NBA 2K13
I was told that basketball is a game where being tall is an advantage, but now it appears I was lied to. This hack proves that you dont have to be seven feet tall to succeed. Or even one foot tall. You just need springs in your shoes or the worlds strongest calf muscles. Or steroids, of course.
But cynicism aside, who can fail to be touched by this fairytale of the little player who could? I watched in confused awe as he jumped eleven times his own height to reach the basket. Its a perfect starting point for a Disneyfied, triumph-over-adversity movie, followed by a career-ending drugs test and an official inquiry into dwarf exploitation.
Nazi penises and, uh, general weirdness in... Super Mario Bros
I could just leave it at the name, because a title like Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3 pretty much speaks for itself. I like this hack of Super Mario Bros. 3 because it means one day a programmer sat down and thought you know what Super Mario Bros. 3 needs? Nazis. Of course it does. Lets make Mario deliberately offensive in almost every way.
So now, instead of shooting fireballs, you shoot swastikas. Your cheery red overalls are replaced with a Ku Klux Klan robe, while the racoon (read: condom) power up now turns you into a giant penis. It looks like the clouds have... are those vaginas? Im not sure I want to look any closer. Other clouds are emblazoned with the words meth is fun! Ah yes, that explains everything.
Play as the bad guys in... Sonic The Hedgehog
It must be hard being an enemy or secondary character in the Sonic series. The blue haired critter is the undoubted hero of the show, grabbing all the headlines while everyone else has to bask in his reflected glory (or write songs about loving him from afar).
So thats why we should applaud this modified version of Sonic the Hedgehog that allows one of the more neglected characters a chance to shine: Motobug the Badnik. Never mind that hes so sluggish that he struggles to climb even the shallowest of hills, this is genre subversion at its hacked best. Its the slow and sedate version of Sonic for your grandparents, so take a leisurely stroll and enjoy the scenery; at this sort of speed thats about all you can do.
Enough madness!
Its amazing what a little bit of coding wizardry can do. Always helps to have a warped mind and a puerile sense of humour as well, of course, but when do those not come in handy? At the DVLA, probably, but I cant really think of any other exceptions.
And if youre looking for more modding madness, check out 8 Hilariously Ridiculous Mods For Games You Know And Love and 12 Of The Craziest Mario Hacks.
