Google+

The most ridiculous game box quotes ever

Shares

Grand exaggerations are supposed to be so grand that no one bothers to consider whether or not they're true. Like, "Castlevania is so damn good, the disk popped itself out of my PlayStation and performed triple bypass surgery on my cat without a single hiccup in gameplay. That's right, Symphony of the Night is a competent cat surgeon."

You don't say that you can't see it all, because if you have three save games with 100% completion each, then yes, you've seen it all.

This quote is a squarely in the realm of typical game writing in that it is dull, uninspired, and reminiscent of something that might appear in a sixth grader's book report. This quote should perhaps be revised to note that the graphics are composed of images of clay, but that the graphics are not "made of clay."

Hey everyone, raise your hands if you've ever heard of Spy Fiction. Okay, those of you raising your hands - did it blow other PS2 games out of the water? No, no, not literally "out of the water," that's a stupid cliché the writer used because he couldn't think of anything original. Was it better than every PS2 game released before it? Let's see:

"A geriatric MGS clone" -Official PlayStation Magazine

"For a game with so many features, its greatest accomplishment may be using them to be so mundane." -1up

"With a clunky camera and a slightly awkward weapon system the battles consist of throwing grenades and hoping to clear the area as fast as possible." -IGN

Is that so, John Carpenter, director of The Thing, the film this game is based on? This is like putting a quote from Cliff Bleszinski's mom on the back of Gears of War 2.

"My son works on the uh, the Microsofts. We're very proud. Gears of... what? What was it? Gears of War 2! You're such a good boy." - Cliffy's mom

Do German writers often put two exclamation marks after percentages? Maybe that's all there is to German game reviews: they introduce a game, yell out its percentage score, then slap it on a table and drink a pint.

In case you can't read it:

"It's not just a new frontier for games, it's a new frontier for humanity." -Rolling Stone

I know that GTA has been a greatly influential series, but its overall effect on the course of human history is yet to be determined. When I think of new frontiers for humanity, I think of the industrial revolution, space exploration, quantum physics, the invention of penicillin, and the continuing possibility of a Red Dwarf movie.

But this is Rolling Stone, the same publication that says that every movie is "an explosive, action-packed whirlwind" or "the best film of the summer, maybe of the year" or "packed with orgasmic, groundbreaking crap-your-pants thrills that'll have you at the edge of your seat - you won't want to look away, or pee, even if you really have to because, Holy Mother of God, this has O-S-C-A-R written all over it in permanent marker."

That last quote was in reference to High School Musical 3.

We Recommend

73 comments

  • FeathersMcgraw - July 4, 2010 11:18 p.m.

    "11/10, article of the year!"
  • Ironmaus - July 3, 2010 1:16 a.m.

    Well, they certainly over sold it, but 40 Winks was pretty fun. It had that costume-switching element that runs through most Mario games since SMB3, and one of the costumes was a ninja. Totally charming.
  • EnragedTortoise1 - July 1, 2010 8:42 p.m.

    Ahahahahaha. Oh Rolling Stone, you crack me up.
  • Vitoruss1 - June 30, 2010 9:21 p.m.

    I really, really liked Alter Echo... :'(
  • mrmorozov987 - June 1, 2010 2:34 a.m.

    Now I feel like a dumbass because I have that Stuntman box, and I never noticed what was wrong with that quote. Thanks.
  • mrmorozov987 - June 1, 2010 2:28 a.m.

    I remember reading the GTA quote at Walmart and thinking "WTF"? But the ending to that... perfect. Just perfect.
  • Failureisinevitable - November 7, 2009 3:11 a.m.

    "Latest post in the article, and yet it's STILL an epic one. Just because it has a quote from me on it!" -Failure
  • CptCHARLES - November 2, 2008 9:30 p.m.

    Am I the only one who thinks that Tyler is too literal? I mean, in response to Stuntman ROCKS!, he says "I don't know what geological features have to do with video games". Honestly, either he's an idiot for not knowing that rocks is often used to mean "it's good/great" or he just couldn't find anything else wrong with that quote.
  • K9unittp - October 30, 2008 5:41 p.m.

    (uh ya sry tyler) you forgot to mention that fact that every GTA game is exactly the same. the only difference being that sometimes there is a new city or a new character or new graphics but other than that repetitive missions, repetitive combat, repetitive story, hell even the same box art (new photos though) only GTA 4 accually was interesting being that they almost completly remade the game but even that is repetitive......you know what this accually has nothing to do with the topic of this article. i think im just venting fumes.
  • Nitemarish - October 29, 2008 3:33 p.m.

    I played 40 Winks. It sucked.
  • CAPST3R - October 28, 2008 11:53 a.m.

    KISS MY ASS HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!
  • crazyqazqaz - October 27, 2008 9:46 p.m.

    What are you guys on about? Are you taking the piss? 40 Winks obviously trashed Mario!! I mean, look who's a global gaming icon, it's..... wait ..... what?? NO WAY!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!
  • GodlikeApe - October 27, 2008 10:07 a.m.

    Liked the article. Impressed at an American knowing of Red Dwarf. Mighty.
  • TheWebSwinger - October 27, 2008 4:48 a.m.

    REALLY good article. Must have taken you for-fucking-EVER to write. Nitpick: Isn't Peter Travers (Rolling Stone movie reviewer) notoriously harsh on movies? Just sayin'.
  • fluentinsarcasm - October 26, 2008 9:16 p.m.

    You forgot the game Ikaruga... "Our frothing demand for this game INCREASES." -IGN.com Big bold letters, right on the front cover.
  • kamikaz3e124 - October 26, 2008 5:18 p.m.

    I still can't believe Nintendo Magizine chose a less popular game such as 40 Winks over their own mascot.
  • Poke_trainer - October 26, 2008 3:45 p.m.

    actually, I thought jak and daxter was really good back then and had lots of fun playing it. The quote was unnecessary though.
  • Cwf2008 - October 25, 2008 8:32 p.m.

    Rofl that was freaken hilarious. Especially the GTA one
  • J-spit - October 25, 2008 7:56 p.m.

    Funny stuff.
  • smallberry - October 25, 2008 7:32 p.m.

    Oh man a Red Dwarf movie...a justified Rolling Stone review. Great article. More.

Showing 1-20 of 73 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000

OR…

Connect with Facebook

Log in using Facebook to share comments, games, status update and other activity easily with your Facebook feed.