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The Top 7... games so bad they had to add breasts

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2 - BMX XXX - Multiplatform

So you're developer Z-Axis, fresh off the success of Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX and the woefully underappreciated Aggressive Inline. What's next on your plate? How about BMX XXX, a game so purposely trashy that spokesman Mirra took legal action to make sure his name was never mentioned in the same sentence (including this one)?

It was supposed to build on the same ideas already established in the first two games - ride around typical "extreme" areas and bust out "mad trix" on your decked-out bike. But when that well started to dry, it's time for strippers, it's time for pimps, it's time for missions built around getting dogs laid. Then, to reward you for bothering to play the game at all, it treats you with real (gasp!) footage of girlies dancing around flashing their bells and whistles all over the place. Some versions were censored, others were left totally alone. Obviously, many retailers' heads exploded at the very idea and kicked the game out on its ass, so sales were predictably miniscule.

And right now, some kid is trying his hardest to find a copy. Please don't be that kid. Just go talk to a girl instead, you'll find it's much more gratifying.



Above: OMG teh zombs! Quick w/ a shirt plz teim 2 fight!

1 - Onechanbara - Multiplatform

While BMX XXX was a one-time fluke and well-learned mistake, the ongoing series Onechanbara refuses to offer anything other than mindless gameplay and plenty of skin. Imagine the ultra-repetitive combat from the Dynasty Warriors series somehow even duller yet totally slammed with excessive gore, cowboy hats and half-to-fully naked chicks. Even when looking at the provided screens you get two lower-back tattoo shots before actual gameplay. They really don't want anyone to notice how shallow and derivative the game is, so the best way to keep selling 'em is by loading up on blood-caked zombie hunter babes.

It's not just girls in this case - it's everything. Every single thing a dude wants (or so marketers believe) is in here. Even if you're not satisfied with the barely-there outfits, you can play dress-up and clothe the ladies however you want. Hell even the story just wants to move on to the girls - after a fresh shower and nothing but a towel on, you and your schoolgirl-dressed friend see zombies attacking. Better grab a sword and start killing them, and as sexily as possible. If they get covered with enough blood, they can morph into zombie forms of their own and, uh, swing the sword some more. If guys were into zombie chicks making out, it'd be in Onechanbara.

Guilty pleasure? Sure. Fun? Not really. If you replaced the bikini-clad zombabes with burly men, this series would've tanked on day one. As it is, Onechanbara has yet to officially appear in the US, even with publisher D3 working on the 360 version as we speak. Maybe boobs can't save everything after all.

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15 comments

  • kangaroocory - December 21, 2010 12:42 a.m.

    @Corsair89 Lawlz "Yes! YES!" *Friend walks in* "Oh. I thought you were watching porn. Never mind." *Friend leaves" "Feel it on your body!" Friend- "What the hell man??!!
  • Flashinthepan - December 20, 2010 10:54 p.m.

    @LKabongUno I liked Battle Arena Toshinden. Was fun to play when I was younger, and I haven't thought about it in years. Thank you.
  • LKabongUno - August 11, 2010 3:05 p.m.

    Normally, I ignore cries of sexism in video games as pure and total pandering PC BS. However every once in a while, the broken clock tess the right time, and so it is for Rumble Roses XX. Rumble Roses was a good first effort, but it had it's flaws. XX is a textbook example of what you DON'T do in a sequel: remove the story, add mechanics that don't work, skip the beta test, add in a bunch of halfass features that hinder the gameplay, and generally take a lackluster attitude in correcting the flaws of the first game. In a phrase, playing this game is a chore, literally. Title accquisition is cryptic and random, with arcane and unnamed requirements needing to be fulfilled in order to qualify to get title bouts, and no gauge or meter or checklist or anything of the sort telling you how long you have until the next title shot. The save system is garbage, and it takes longer to save in XX than in comparable titles for the X360. Character selection sucks as well: you have to "sign into" characters and their tag partners. VF5 Online does this way better, with having the option to sign into character data on the select screen with the characters themselves, and it doesn't take 2 minutes to do so either. The body mod options are meaningless, as there's no real straightforward way to tell what mod affects what character in what way, and with all the other broke garbage in this game, you'll have quit playing long before you've put enough trial and error into it to find out. Animations really aren't that great: characters in Battle Arena Toshinden move and strike with more believability than anyone in Rumble Roses XX. Watching people "hit" other people with the guitar in this game is painful, and not because of the force of impact. Play mechanics in general aren't that great: many wrestlers are overpowered, have infinites without bug fixes, and even with bug fixes, you have people who shouldn't be in the ring with other people, getting 2-3 hit knockouts. Ring system is ill designed: nothing keeping people from running out of the ring and taunting to build up super meter/extending the match indefinitely. You can taunt yourself, but then this just gets into a taunt battle that no one can win, no real way to keep people out of the ring (you'll be grabbed out of the ring if you stand too close) or punish them on ring reentry unless you have one of those S Class characters I just mentioned. Then you have the piss poor ass Street Fight mode, in which the mechanics get shoehorned into a 2d environment. This really sucks because the characters weren't really designed for this, nor were their supers (many supers come out as powerful kicks in this mode), meaning that if you relied on certain characters' supers to win matches, playing them here is a waste. The tutorial tries to cover this up by saying that supers should be used to end juggles. Only problem is, some people's supers actually do work as they are supposed to in the mode. It's clear that SF mode is something they just shoehorned in at the last second. Even though this is half a page long, this is just the Cliff's Notes version of the screwed up stuff in this game. It would take a book to fully detail the fubaredness of this game, and this is one example of a game where, if there were no sex in it, there wouldn't be anything.
  • theschwartzb - August 10, 2010 9:17 p.m.

    You either skipped, or took out a few.
  • marklem18 - April 8, 2010 6:44 a.m.

    wew.. hoolalala.......
  • B2KSTR8RIPPIN - November 7, 2009 2:05 p.m.

    yer i have dead or alive! and do you no what the first thing i notised about the game was?.. go ahead.. guess!
  • Signofthezodiac - November 15, 2008 12:40 a.m.

    hmmm...
  • sean_raider - September 27, 2008 8:57 a.m.

    all rigth
  • NEOGILLZ - September 22, 2008 10:57 p.m.

    I am so getting Dead Or Alive now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • KillerPotato - June 4, 2009 6:08 p.m.

    nice
  • Corsair89 - March 8, 2009 7:39 a.m.

    I like Ar Tonelico and Ar Tonelico II. They are really good games. But, yeah, there is sexual innuendo EVERYWHERE! I AT2, the only way to level up the reyvateils is to make them bathe with each other. And in order to get the reyvateils to dive into each others minds, you need to get them to sleep with each other. Yeah. They may be fully clothed and not actually doing anything to each other, but it's one half-step away... Oh, listen to the things you're reyvateils shout out in battle: "Feel it on your body!" "It feels good now!" "Yes! YES!" If someone walks in on you playing this game, they will probably think your watching porn. But once you get past, or at least get used to, all the awkward sexual innuendos, they're both decent and unique JRPGs. Ar Tonelico II is better than Ar Tonelico in almost every way. AT1 is barely above average, while AT2 is amazingly fun.
  • gutlessVADER - February 20, 2009 2:17 a.m.

    titular
  • Tidus53 - February 2, 2009 12:46 a.m.

    dam u japan...
  • Tidus53 - February 2, 2009 12:44 a.m.

    okay... Oneechanbra is trying to get the average male. but i will not buy it. ( he says with a boner).
  • Tidus53 - February 2, 2009 12:42 a.m.

    yea... the average 13, horny, boy teen / lesbian market is gonna do will this year.

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