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The Top 7... games we want announced at E3 2009

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3) Half-Life 3


You’ve read about the TF2 leak at Valve, right? Well, in our experience, they run a pretty tight ship. The following scene occurred during a recent trip to Valve’s Bellevue, Washington studio:

Valve Staffer #1: I can only play one more, I have a meeting at 2:30.
Valve Staffer #2: Orly? Left 4 Dead stuff, or (pregnant pause, meaningful glance) other stuff?
[Awkward silence, all eyes swivel in unison toward the visiting game journo.]
Valve Staffer #1: Other stuff.
GamesRadar: What? Don’t pay me any mind. Please, discuss freely!
Valve Staffer #3: This conversation is over.
GamesRadar: If you tell me something in confidence, I won’t say a word to anyone. Promise.
Valve Staffer #1: Start the round or I’ll be late.
GamesRadar: Or we could do a big exclusive blowout on GamesRadar, or—
Valve Staffer #2: You better grab your medpack, I just alerted the horde!
GamesRadar: Oh, shit!

Obviously, Valve is a company with a lot going on. And while the above-mentioned “other stuff” could mean anything from Steam updates to TF2 patches, we prefer to dream big. Could they have been discussing Half-Life 2: Episode 3, the final chapter in HL2’s story arc? Dream bigger? OK, how about HALF-LIFE MOTHERF***ING 3?! That’s right, a proper full-sized sequel with Portal guns and extreme physics puzzles and time travel and whatever other inspired madness the alchemists at Valve concoct.


Above: Our sophomoric attempt at inspired madness. We’re certain Valve can do better

When Half-Life 2 arrived back in 2004, it rewrote the book on videogame physics. With that kind of pedigree to live up to, Half-Life 3’s potential for awesomeness is huge. Of course, developing Half-Life 2 was a 5-year grind that would have broken the spirit of lesser men and women. If Valve had launched straight away into 3, and it took the same amount of time as 2, it would be just about ready to show at E3 this year.

We know, we know: they’ve been busy with episodic content and a couple little projects like Portal, Team Fortress 2 and Left 4 Dead. But somewhere deep in the bowels of a Bellevue skyscraper, a shadow team of code ninjas may yet be stealthily preparing to drop a game-changing bomb on the industry by announcing Half-Life 3 at E3 ‘09.


2) Kingdom Hearts III


Since Square doesn’t seem to have a problem announcing games like Final Fantasy XIII when they’re still four years away, surely they can throw out a tiny morsel of Kingdom Hearts at this E3. Yeah, we’ll be buying both handheld editions the millisecond they come out, but we’d gladly take a mallet to every DS and PSP in our office for a chance to invest 60+ hours in a full blown, 1080p Squisney undertaking.


Above: Apparently, this isn’t Kingdom Hearts III. Unless it is?

As a courtesy, we’ve listed what we see as two primary obstacles to an official Kingdom Hearts III announcement. Below that, we offer our sage-like solutions.

Kingdom Hearts III: Dilemmas?

1. The story is too ridiculously convoluted. No developer dares tackle a plot in which the merging of two drastically different universes is somehow the least absurdly complicated problem with the narrative.

2. Disney loves money. And it’s very protective of its popular stable of characters.


Above: Imagine if Sora could battle Christian Bale and his gang of fops from Disney’s Newsies

Kingdom Hearts III: Solutions!

1. The plot of Kingdom Hearts II exceeded stupidity and entered the realm of irrelevance. So what? Gamers are perfectly fine with any inexplicable story device as long as it introduces them to their favorite characters and allows them to fight in beloved environments. Which bring us to our next section…

2. Nobody wants to go back to Tarzan’s jungle. 100 Acre Poohville is both pace-shattering and exhausted. The last entry’s Little Mermaid portions were an abomination, and no one gives a shit about Chicken Little or Mulan. We think it’s high time to bring in the sexy, sexy stars of Classic Disney B-Squad!


Above: Go ahead. Try to name all the characters in the comments section. We dare you…

Factoring in Disney’s live-action affairs, you’ve got – almost literally – billions of second string characters that would cost a fraction to license. For the price of a single Mickey you could get a Brer Rabbit, two Rescuers, several Fred MacMurrays and The Great Mouse Detective. In that kind of abundance, something’s bound to resonate with Western audiences… and judging by Tokyo Disneyland’s ride retention, the only things the Japanese love more than Final Fantasy characters are old ass Disney.

By the way, the only acceptable rhythmic dance sequences in Kingdom Hearts III are ones composed by the recently acquired Electric Mayhem.

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138 comments

  • CreeplyTuna - November 18, 2009 10:40 p.m.

    3-D games will probably destroy people eyes or something technical from the strain. im fine with games the way they are
  • daquon1234 - June 1, 2009 4:52 p.m.

    what about a new zelda
  • Smash_Bro - June 1, 2009 2:02 a.m.

    Smash Bros DS! I soo called that on the "First Look At the DSi" article! Aww yeah. See, other people agree that my ideas are schweet. It had BETTER happen. I think 3D games would be cool. It would be the first step into virtual-reality gaming (which WILL happen). They should make games with 3D and normal versions, in case the 3D sucks, y'know?
  • Ell223 - May 31, 2009 12:47 p.m.

    thought this might warrent some attention http://www.eeggs.com/items/55519.html
  • pueojit1 - May 31, 2009 1:04 a.m.

    go ssbs and sly cooper!!!!
  • BeastlyB - May 30, 2009 10:54 p.m.

    half life 2 ep 3 is going to be announced I'm not just positive I'm HIV (or should I say HEV) positive
  • r3ap3r - May 30, 2009 6:13 p.m.

    YES FUCKIN BRING BACK SLY COOPER! i loved the series from the first game to know i would love a knew one to comeback and revive those good ol times.
  • secretsearcher - May 30, 2009 12:50 a.m.

    YES! I love the sly cooper games. I practically cried when I beat the third one. BRING IT BACK!!!!! Oh, and the character on the far left in the disney photo is Maiden Marian from the old disney robin hood :)
  • blademage20 - May 29, 2009 1:58 p.m.

    A DS version of SSB would b awesome!
  • RedOutlive10 - May 28, 2009 10:18 p.m.

    More info about id Soft next games would be nice in this E3.
  • thephntm - May 28, 2009 2:58 a.m.

    sly 3 already had 3d missions my captcha: whose delegate
  • kingdomknight0 - May 28, 2009 1:29 a.m.

    I have no doubt that Square will make another Kingdom Hearts. And I also have no doubt that all the parts we hate about it will come back with the parts we love. (Yes, the damned gummy ship and the little mermaid too.) So long as we get to see Mickey kick ass like you didn't know he could it's worth it right? Right!?
  • stlman90 - May 27, 2009 8:26 p.m.

    sly cooper and kingdom hearts would be great!!!!!!!!!!
  • georgeguy - May 27, 2009 8:14 p.m.

    i would want a LittlebigPlanet sequel. that would be fun... Captcha: Congress byplay
  • thefarkinator - May 27, 2009 6:46 p.m.

    Good luck with the HL3 thing guys! lol. Cool article, though.
  • Unoriginal - May 27, 2009 6:12 p.m.

    I really wrote a meaningfull comment but then realized that I was the 113th to comment so I guess no one would read it. Well, great list GR.
  • MGOidBOSS - May 27, 2009 12:05 p.m.

    Get the Low down on MGS5...Gamesradar fail, they could do one of their stupid articles, 10 things we mostly think will be in mgs5 although were probably wrong.
  • Cerberus1838 - May 27, 2009 5:31 a.m.

    What about MSG5, seen an ARG or something along those lines out @ the official Konami (Japanese) site. Snake even shows up on the countdown..... and all signs point to e3, they appear on the countdown aswell.
  • Smeggs - May 27, 2009 12:44 a.m.

    I'm pretty sure I heard that Square Enix wasn't going to show up for E3. So no KH-anything.
  • ChrisCom66 - May 27, 2009 12:30 a.m.

    i have an idea!with tatsunoko vs capcom being released in North America and Marvel vs Capcom 2 being re-released why not have NINTENDO VS CAPCOM: Can u say EPIC WIN!

Showing 1-20 of 138 comments

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