If we’re not jumping through hoops trying to save a kingdom, we’re fetching some rare Crystal Sword of Infinite Necromancy all out of the kindness of our hearts. What do we get in return? “Ah, gee thanks for risking life and limb to do a big ol’ fancypants favor for me and restoring our world to what it once was from the Dark Ruler of Naught. Here’s a medal, young adventurer. Never mind our bustling cleavage. Now get the hell out, street rat. Sorry ‘bout the hard-on.”
Whaaaaaa? Faster than you can unbuckle your tunic, our 30+ hour courtship is reduced to tee-hees and farewells. Surely, saving a princess or helping a fair maiden will reap just rewards, right?
Not even a harmless peck on the cheek? At least one date? Look, we play games for fun, but if developers are gonna make us sit through a ham-fisted plot and force feed us a love interest, at least provide some sort of worthwhile resolution - something PG-rated at the very least. It’s not fair to sucker us time and again into some dire situation because dangling in our face is the mythic ritual of knocking digital boots. And because we’re forced into caring about banging girls in games so much, we present to you the biggest blue ball moments in gaming.
7. Sylvia’s reveal - No More Heroes
What happens: Spoilers abound! Seriously, we’re about to go pretty deep into the game. Turn back now. You’ve been warned!
Otaku nerd Travis Touchdown’s primary goal in No More Heroes is to climb the ranks of the United Assassins Association and become the best assassin in the world. Furthering his goal is the lofty promise that Silvia Christel (Travis’s organizer of missions) will screw Travis’s brains out once he becomes number one. Up you go in the ranks, hacking people to bits with your beam katana, while sadistically flirting with the blonde hottie. Interspersed cutscenes show Travis salivating over her body as he oils her body up at the beach or listens to her getting a naked massage over the phone.
Travis’s best “laid” plans go awry when a phone call to Silvia’s house reveals that she’s married. Wait… what? To his twin brother, Henry? Hot damn, we’ve been hornswoggled.
Above: Notice the cupped breast
Apparently, Silvia’s a con artist and has been duping would-be assassins for a shot at her girlie parts for years. But purposefully misleading her husband’s twin brother? That’s just mean. Had Travis been aware of Henry’s existence, he would have certainly adhered to the 11th commandment, “Bros before hos.” Sadly, you can’t keep a good libido down and Travis fell prey to his overactive penis, eviscerating hundreds just to get laid.
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