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The Top 7… Games you don’t want for Christmas 2011

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6. Thor: God of Thunder

In answer to the overwhelmingly average response from film critics, I give Kenneth Branagh's Thor two unwavering hooves-up. Chris Hemsworth's golden locks and rippling pectorals delivered a stunning performance in the fish-out-of-water tale of a fallen god. Unfortunately, the same can't be said of the Sega published Thor: God of Thunder game.

Although Hemsworth reprises his role as the God of Thunder in the game, his wax figure likeness lacks the lordly charm and respect that his chiseled figure demands on the big screen. Instead of hammering you hard with the mighty Thor's Mjolnir, the third-person action title whiffs softly, forcing you to button mash your way through an utterly forgettable adventure full of limp and weightless combo attacks.

Above: This is acting. Just look at how Hemsworth emotes with his "Oh hi! I didn't see you there!" six-pack

Above: This is "Thor" in Thor: God of Thunder. It's just not as enjoyable

5. Railworks 3: Train Simulator 2012

This one's about trains. Trust me. You don't want it.

Above: Train Simulator 2012 may be the prettiest game of trains we've seen since the release of Train Simulator 2011. The problem is that it's about trains

4. Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Stealth Force Edition (Wii)

This is a game about Transformers where the Transformers don't transform and I can't think of a bigger insult to fans of things that look like other things. Don't get me wrong: you'll see the Transformers shed their vehicular disguises during cutscenes. But once the robots have finished explaining why you'll be driving around (and not Transforming) in the next playable portion of the game, you're back behind the wheel of one of the most disappointing titles released this year.

The whole non-Transforming Transformers angle may not have been so insulting if the controls weren't so frustrating. You use the analog stick to steer, and accelerate, AND reverse. Who designed this thing, Grimlock? It's a control scheme that ensures your time with these non-Transforming Transformers will not be enjoyable, as you stutter about the game's bland environments like a teenager learning how to drive.

Adding insult to injury, this poor man's Twisted Metal offers you half of the Transformers experience with one hand while demanding full retail price with the other. It's just the kind of scheme that would please the mighty Megatron.

Above: Transformers that don't transform. What's next? Street Fighters that don't fight?

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51 comments

  • YuGiOhisbetterthanMagic - December 7, 2011 11:36 p.m.

    The first Harry Potter game for Gameboy was a brilliant RPG. Deathly Hallows part 2 (and one for that matter) is a terrible, broken, sad pile of refuse that has no right to exsist. where did we go so wrong?
  • igothitwithabulb - December 7, 2011 4:54 p.m.

    "plot-driven" I see what you did there.
  • Zepaw - December 7, 2011 4:51 p.m.

    Articles like this are why this site has my heart so completely. I want to try Blackwater just to experience the awfulness but then I would have to support the game by renting it and have its achievements on my account. Not worth it.
  • LaffPiranha - December 7, 2011 10:34 a.m.

    One day I shall make you my bride, Buttercup.
  • Demoneyes - December 6, 2011 5:41 p.m.

    I do not know GR. Barbie Horse Adventures for the 360 was one of the best games I have ever played. I might give I Love Horses for the Wii a go.
  • Myko - December 6, 2011 5:04 p.m.

    lol anything from ubisoft... period
  • ThundaGawd - December 6, 2011 5:29 p.m.

    Assassin's Creed: Revelations, that is all.
  • Zepaw - December 7, 2011 4:56 p.m.

    Child of Eden was Ubisoft. Oh lord I can't believe the length of the list of Imagine games that have been released. They have even moved into 3DS.
  • Yeager1122 - December 6, 2011 4:29 p.m.

    Thank goodness my family actually knows what crap games are.
  • talleyXIV - December 6, 2011 2:05 p.m.

    Or you could call it 7 Games You Most Not Want For Christmas... well if that made sense.
  • Japanaman - December 6, 2011 10:13 a.m.

    I'm still waiting for Ubisoft to release: Imagine Pimp Imagine Mafia Boss Imagine Secret Ops Imagine Secret Agent Imagine President Imagine Action Hero Imagine Super Hero
  • tacehtselrahc - December 6, 2011 7:48 a.m.

    What about MW3? I'd treat it as an insult if anyone who got me that for Christmas, and then I'd trade it in on Boxing Day for something that wasn't crap.
  • ZhugeLiang - December 6, 2011 7:34 a.m.

    Imagine: Imagine Game Designer
  • crazyqazqaz - December 6, 2011 7:16 a.m.

    It's games like those that really put me off when it comes to Ubisoft. I love the Assassin's creed franchise but the company needs to sort itself out and stop pumping out the sexist bullrubbish it is at the moment. The world would be a better place without it.
  • codystovall - December 6, 2011 6:24 a.m.

    Ugghh...
  • winner2 - December 6, 2011 5:20 a.m.

    People actually buy that horse crap? Just shattered my whole universe
  • jmcgrotty - December 6, 2011 2:01 a.m.

    Wow. Never saw the Blackwater game. It's pathetic that it was ever made (because of Blackwater, and not anything to do with the game). I probably shouldn't admit this out loud, but I have to admit that I played Train Simulator 2012 and didn't hate it. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't good and I would never pay for it, but it amused me in some messed-up-on-Nyquil way.
  • sirdilznik - December 6, 2011 12:49 a.m.

    B. Buttercup delivers the goods yet again.
  • NanoElite666 - December 5, 2011 10:05 p.m.

    "Tighten up the graphics on level 3?" Good lord, I never thought I'd hear/read that again.
  • sutrebla15 - December 5, 2011 9:19 p.m.

    Speak for yourself, I fuckin' love horses!

Showing 1-20 of 51 comments

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