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Ladies and gentlemen, we present the runts and rejects of the forces of darkness, the first line of defense for evil. They're kind of a joke. Nonetheless, they stand tall and straight, inches above knee level, and they bop, hop and wiggle towards any nearby heroes.
We decided to gather them up and find out which of these tossable twerps packs the most punch – it took a while to track them all down, as they usually don't make it out of the "Cave of Basic Game Mechanics" on their own. So, who’s the toughest wimp around?
Why the Goomba should win: Here’s Goomba vs zombie fighting 101: Goombas are probably mushrooms, and zombies tend to be carnivores. Of course, it could be argued that a Goomba has a meaty brain, which would explain how a mushroom can learn to shamble from side-to-side.
To put is simply, no meat equals no eat. The Goomba should be just fine as long as the zombie doesn’t figure out there’s anything inside the mushroom’s cap.
Why the zombie should win: If a zombie could sense a Goomba's deliciously marinated brain-meat, we can only assume it wouldn't have any trouble rising from the grave and chewing through the supple mycelium body of a Goomba for the win. The question is: can they smell the brains?
Although zombies were once human, the transformation to undead has given them a vastly enhanced sense of smell. The average human has about 5 million olfactory receptors in their nose, while a zombie may have several times that. Dogs have over 220 million, and that's why we used a dog to conduct this experiment.
Above: And there you have it, a zombie wouldn't even touch a Goomba
Verdict: Goomba Wins!
Why the Bidoof should win: A Bidoof is basically the inbred offspring of a teddy bear and a beaver. It relies on cuteness and the pity of others to avoid being eaten by other Pokemon.
There is no reason the Bidoof should win. But we’d like to see it fight anyway, so we’ll say it should win because it has teeth.
Why the Flood parasite should win: We were lucky enough to have the chance to interview a parasite and it had this to say about the fight:
Seems like there's a lot going on in those parasites' (collective?) minds - they're more than just a hat rack!
Verdict: Infected Bidoof Wins!