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Ultimate Developer Battle

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We're all familiar with the concept of the character battle. Make-believe videogame people and/or things pitted against each other in an arbitrarily determined battle for victory. It's fanciful nonsense, which is why GamesRadar has already hosted the imaginary character battle to end all imaginary character battles. We settled all those non-existent virtual scores that never needed to be settled in the first place, so that's the end of it.

Now, though, we're taking the ridiculousness nature of fantasy fighting to the next plateau of stupid. This time it's the turn of developers to duke it out, dust it up and do each other over like blood-hungry gladiatorial champions. We've taken 16 of the industry's best-known, best-respected and most beautiful developers and smashed them head-to-head in an entirely make-believe orgy of violence. Let the fighting begin!

MADE: Gran Turismo / Assassin's Creed
Jade spends two hours buffing her smile. It's deadly white with a 20ft blast radius. However, her blinding mouthful of dental perfection is never called into action - Kaz gets massively delayed on his way to the fight and fails to show up. And even if he did make it, he wouldn't be able to do damage anyway. Jade wins by default.
WINNER: Jade Raymond

MADE: Gears of War / BioShock

Wanting to shed his childish moniker and gunning for a grapple, Lord Clifford Bleszinski III of North Carolina flexes his bulging geek guns while sporting a monocle, stovepipe hat and his best fighting slippers.

Too bad Levine’s bloody and beaten corpse was found in the locker room minutes before the fight. Early eyewitness accounts report a crowd of disgruntled BioShock developers fleeing the scene. Bleszinski wins.
WINNER: Cliffy B

MADE: Too Human / Lost Odyssey

Serial forum bait-taker and receiver of the NeoGaf ban-hammer, Dyack moves at a crippling 30 frames-per-second, rendering his blows horribly inaccurate and harmless. Sakaguchi points and laughs. Dyack tells Sakaguchi that if he comes back later he promises that he'll be much better. Sakaguchi points and laughs. Dyack gets unhealthily enmaddened before collapsing with hypertension. Sakaguchi points and laughs and wins.
WINNER: Hironobu Sakaguchi

MADE: Haze / Fable
Can you even imagine the hippy-headed Doak in a fight? No. Neither can we. Molyneux wins.
WINNER: Peter Molyneux

MADE: God of War / Mario

Drunken, surly and berating fanboys as he staggers to the squared circle, Jaffe cuts a bladdered Ghost of Sparta-style imposing figure. His inebriated frame is sent reeling, however, by Miyamoto's trademark, legally contracted smile and the optically offensive nature of his shirt. The bowl-headed Shigger without attitude pounces forward and starts pretending that the Wiimote gripped in his hands is a trumpet or some shit. Jaffe calls Miyamoto a twat and hurls vom chunks all over him. Miyamoto cries because his toy is all covered in sicky. Jaffe passes out. Jaffe wins.
WINNER: David Jaffe

MADE: Half-Life / Metal Gear Solid

Whilst striking his most cleverest looking 'I'm ruminating, bitches' pose and nibbling a very fashionable bag of salty snakes, Kojima realises the futility of the developer fight mimics the futility of war. He starts banging on and on about politics and genes and knowledge and some nonsense about ones and zeros while looking all smug in his designer glasses. No one listens. Newell uses a PS3 to batter Kojima's head in mid-philosophizing. He ponders that maybe the PS3 isn't so bad after all, before making light work of the half-eaten packet of snakes. Newell wins.
WINNER: Gabe Newell

MADE: No More Heroes / Dead or Alive

With all his pioneering work in breast physics we'd be doing Itagaki a shameless disservice if he didn't get through the first round. So we'll have him slice off Suda's head with one of the katanas he famously keeps in his office. Sorry - used to keep in his office when he had a job.
WINNER: Tomonobu Itagaki

MADE: Spore / Quake

Intelligent folks know that fighting is a self-defeating pursuit for the lower classes, so there's no way these two would ever try and bitch-slap the spectacles off each other. Not even in make-believe. Instead, Wright takes the opportunity to show Spore to Carmack. Wright philosophises about panspermia, evolutionary phases and procedural generation. Carmack creates a creature that looks like a penis. Wright loses all faith in humanity and retreats to a cave, thus forfeiting the fight. Carmack celebrates his win by making his penis perform a happy dance.
WINNER: John Carmack

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59 comments

  • The4X - February 25, 2010 8:33 a.m.

    I knew she'd win from the very beginnign )
  • alecbeals - February 24, 2010 4:14 a.m.

    Pretty accurate, I think Chris Taylor might had made an appearance in a 400 foot tall robot that then broke down because he supposedly only works on a mid-range computer and subsequently cannot play his own game to the max settings. Then Richard Garriot deep strikes from space to land on Jade Raymond and continues to produce another sub-par game.
  • curly_jefferson - February 23, 2010 12:16 p.m.

    i forgot how funny this article is
  • NelosAngelos - September 1, 2008 11:11 p.m.

    ....k...not sure what to say here. Go Jade Raymond?
  • mr_brightside - August 31, 2008 9:48 p.m.

    you only picked Jade as the winner because she was the only girl. btw, love the new account and comment systems! keep up the good work!
  • Juriasu - August 31, 2008 11:14 a.m.

    PFFFT! Cliffy B (yes i still call him that) is bigger, better and more bad-ass than all other developers!
  • Nin10DOH - August 30, 2008 11:16 p.m.

    ha funny, i thought Shig would win...then again, Hulk won the character battle
  • caleb8 - August 30, 2008 10:11 p.m.

    I sorta feel like John Carmack looks like a bit like napolean dynomite. its probrobly just me.
  • lfcaron8 - August 30, 2008 12:43 p.m.

    noooo cliffy well what's next they've done character battles,developer battles so what's next? publisher battles? franchise battles? i just don't know :'(
  • georgeguy - August 29, 2008 10:20 p.m.

    very funny god fu wonder how much free time this people have
  • gaseoussnake - August 29, 2008 6:59 p.m.

    "reskinned in kevlar" haha this is good stuff
  • marcusfenix22 - August 29, 2008 4:30 p.m.

    Damn, Cliff lost!
  • Zeroeye - August 29, 2008 4:25 a.m.

    not great at all, and the developer of such a waste of a game to win a battle that we all knew in our hearts and mind that Miyamoto already won. The video game developers are already in a fight, using there skill as developers in the real world (not the mind of a story teller), to show the world there games and that they should get you money as prize. and now the only ones laughing is Nintendo
  • flare149 - August 29, 2008 3:01 a.m.

    Gosh darnit, now with this whole comments thing I don't know anyone anymore except for NintendoNerd, Z-Man, and Holy Diver Anyone I think a tag team of CLiffy B and Hideo Kojima would be sweet. Hideo could do lots of creative thinking and stuff like that, and Cliffy B could turn it all into some amazing weapon...that'd be cool
  • GamesRadarBrettElston - August 29, 2008 2:54 a.m.

    Miyamoto is a skrull. I'm sure of it.
  • Youreverydaygamer - August 29, 2008 1:28 a.m.

    I Was all for ol petey, but he lost to The creator Assassins creed, so i guess its ok.
  • ELpork - August 29, 2008 12:36 a.m.

    HAHA Yay, I wonder where she puts her hidden blade?
  • Everything3vil - August 29, 2008 12:24 a.m.

    yay the comments are up.
  • Snarf - August 28, 2008 11:07 p.m.

    Yay CommentS!!!!
  • hud4567 - August 28, 2008 10:42 p.m.

    ROFL!!!

Showing 1-20 of 59 comments

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