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Useless game heroes who couldn’t save the girl

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Dominic Santiago (Gears of War 2)


Dom might be good at many things: cutting Locust in half with a rusty chainsaw, helping us unlock co-op achievements, growing a stylish wartime goatee. But he absolutely sucks when it comes to saving his volcanic-hot missus from a fatal, zombie-esque virus.

The girl he can’t save: Maria Santiago

Maria is possibly the only character in the Gears universe who isn’t a bit of a jock douchebag. And we genuinely almost showed a sliver of what you humans call emotion when the pair are reunited after her capture by the Locust.

How he lets her die

Too late to save her from the Locust, Maria is already fatally infected when Dom finds her. He then plants one of his own lead slugs right into her shrivelled up carcess, as Maria sports the malnourished undead look hard. So perhaps the subhead above should read ‘How he euthanizes her.’ And they say romance is dead.





Kratos (God of War 2)


Hero might be a bit of a stretch for a fellow who routinely decapitates, eviscerates and guts anything that crosses his uncaring, immortally miffed sights. Stick ‘anti’ in there, though, and he’s… well, still a colossus dick.



The girl he can’t save:
Athena

We say girl. We actually mean goddess. As a deity of peace and wisdom, she’s not exactly your typical damsel in distress. Throughout the first two God of War titles, she’s also pretty much the only god Kratos doesn’t want to skin like a sea bass.

How he lets her die

Or ‘How he accidentally skewers her to a painful, slow death’ while scrapping with Zeus. Blinded by murderous rage while fighting the corrupt king of gods, the former Spartan gets so caught up in bloodlust he mistakes the slinky, heavenly seductress for a dude who looks like a cross between Arnie and Wilford Brimley. After running her through in vicious fashion, he shows a rare moment of remorse and compassion as he cradles her in his meaty Greek guns.





Batman (Arkham Asylum)


The Dark Knight isn’t just an ass-kicking, heroic crime-fighter extraordinaire; he’s also master of the sexy ass slow-mo cape swivel. Aside from our borderline infatuation with his form-fitting suit and fancy cape physics, Bats is also DC’s most nuanced and interesting hero.

The girl he can’t save: Doctor Young

Doctor Young cuts a fairly tragic figure in Arkham Asylum. She starts off corrupt, getting in bed with Joker (metaphorically, thank God) by helping him create a deadly Titan virus. She eventually sees the error of her ways and assists the Bat in stopping the Clown Prince of Crime.

How he lets her die

Bats foolishly lets Young open a safe containing a little present from the psychotic clown (namely a comic, fairly cute, yet decidedly deadly bomb). Said bomb makes her extremely dead and makes her look even worse than the mess of mascara she is in the image above. Ah well Brucie boy, you can’t save them all.



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42 comments

  • SolPrincess - November 16, 2009 10:57 a.m.

    LMAO I need that Conker game. And yeah I thought from FF7, isnt it Aerith, not Aeris? Hmmm.... I saw Maria from GoW2 dying at my friends house...pretty sad sctually. And Leon from Resi2 so failed XD Good article though :)
  • coltwood93 - November 13, 2009 2:24 a.m.

    I think Colton and the Prostitute from "Gun" should be here
  • gmilf71 - November 10, 2009 8:54 a.m.

    Didn't niomi kind of deserve it, though?
  • Paxis - November 8, 2009 3:21 a.m.

    Zack beats Cloud.
  • phgreat1 - November 7, 2009 2:06 a.m.

    How you imply Solid Snake is a Useless Game Hero.
  • demonslayer76 - November 6, 2009 11:37 p.m.

    lol conker one thing you guys left out, Berri was aslo sucked out of the airlock with the ducttapeaphobic professor also, conker doesnt go back in time, he technicly hacks the game and spawns a katana to kill the alien a sequal would be nice, i wanna kill more nazi tedy bears and squirel zombies
  • doggyystyle - November 6, 2009 7:21 p.m.

    nice article!!!
  • Heyexclamationpoint - November 5, 2009 11:18 p.m.

    The FF7 entry made me laugh.
  • idlemindkiller - November 4, 2009 9:53 p.m.

    HAHAHA Cloud sucks!!!!!
  • Redeater - November 4, 2009 8:06 p.m.

    "Don't dis Cloud"???? Comments like MightyCrow's are the reason why i hate STILL hearing about ff7!
  • MightyCrow - November 4, 2009 5:45 p.m.

    don't dis Cloud! FFVII is awesome on PSP (psone classic)
  • Styrophoamicus - November 4, 2009 4:26 p.m.

    I agree with helix92, you should have added Trish. If you're good, she dies and tells you how proud she is. If you're bad, she dies and basically calls you selfish. And (SPOILER) it turns out that Cole from the future made it all happen. also, I lol'd at the pic of Travis Grady. Silent Hill Photobomb!
  • LeeCarvallo - November 4, 2009 2:11 p.m.

    I think this thread is quite sexist actually. Half these women do not actually fit the role of damsel in distress. Meryl, Ada, Berri, and Ashley, were strong characters who knowingly knew that they were facing danger. They should not be considered "girls" whose men needed to save them.
  • Brutus - November 4, 2009 9:52 a.m.

    rofl @ cloud!
  • Amatarasu - November 4, 2009 5:40 a.m.

    what about that chick from dead rising, not only does she die, she dies because frank bought a zombie infected seinor citizein into the otherwise...well safe safe house, AND she isn't realy dead,just zombified, and guess who kills her,again?
  • lovinmyps3 - November 4, 2009 4:45 a.m.

    Love the FF VII one. Made me chuckle. XD
  • smallberry - November 4, 2009 3:23 a.m.

    Awww Charlie you beat me to it. Well there is no love lost for Ashley Williams. She wouldn't put out for my female Shepard anyway.
  • bamb0o-stick - November 4, 2009 2:06 a.m.

    Max Payne: When Mona takes it to the head, and then another bullet in the sequel.
  • Smeggs - November 4, 2009 2:01 a.m.

    I let Ashley die, she's gotta be the biggest ass-hole you run into. at least the Reapers weren't picky when they wanted to wipe out all life. Anyone who hasn't seen it yet go look up Wrex's death scene on Youtube, she actually seems to enjoy splattering him on the sand.
  • kissmeimgreek - November 4, 2009 1:59 a.m.

    that conker section reminded me of something.... *ehm* "it sure would be great if now that okami finally got a sequel yall could focus on another game (since yall are obviously the reason why it got one) COUGH COUGH *conker 2* COUCH

Showing 1-20 of 42 comments

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