Viva Pinata: Trouble in Paradise – Pokemon pinatas
Blame: Production Editor Carolyn Gudmundson
Pokemon and the pinatas of Viva Pinata already have a lot in common - both breed/romance to create eggs, and many of them can evolve through various means. Most importantly, both Pokemon and pinatas are ridiculously cute and fun to collect. My Pokemon Ranch on WiiWare was a letdown, so why not pinatify our favorite Pokemon and bring them to the coolest most awesomest place to hang out in the whole gaming universe - Pinata Island!
The best Pokemon pinata, of course, is Snorlax. He sleeps a lot! But don't let his laid-back attitude fool you - he's still a cat, and therefore one of nature's most deadly predators, so Sparrowmints and Mousemallows better watch out while he's on the prowl for a midnight snack. Gyarados is no slouch either – be sure you dig an extra large pond so that the Cocoadiles can give him a wide berth.
Squee! Paper's Pets just got a new shipment of adorable Pokemon accessories! Our dream of dressing all our Pokemon up like various Pokemon trainers will finally be realized! Pikachu is going to look sooo cute in his Ash Ketchum outfit!! Attention, Microsoft and Nintendo - this needs to happen!
Grand Theft Auto IV – The Lost and Regretful
Blame: Senior Editor Charlie Barratt
GTA IV’s first downloadable expansion sure had a somber sounding title, didn’t it? When we finally got the chance to play, though, The Lost and Damned basically boiled down to driving fast and killing faster. In other words, more of the same. And the jury’s still out on The Ballad of Gay Tony.
The Lost and Regretful, however, will live up to its redemptive title while simultaneously silencing the franchise’s critics once and for all. In this 1,000+ hour atonement adventure, you’ll visit and apologize to the family of every lowlife criminal and unlucky pedestrian you killed during the main campaign.
Above: Insert poor and inconsistent “European” accent here.
Meet exciting (or possibly not) new characters, including Mrs Darko Brevic and Lil’ Pegorino, Jr! Experience all new gameplay elements, like driving a grieving mother to the coffin store! Or explaining the concept of “death” and “forever” to an inner city orphan with limited grasp of English! You can even turn yourself in at the local police precinct for extra trophies, Achievements and a very special message from Jack Thompson!
Best of all? The Lost and Regretful will be available completely free of charge; in fact, playing the expansion will be mandated by law to all gamers under the age of 18. Release date? As soon as some humorless parent or politician reads this and fails to see the joke…
Silent Hill: Homecoming – Locksmith DLC
Blame: Community Manager/Features Editor Tyler Wilde
Silent Hill has a serious problem. It’s not the crazy-ass nurses with knives and bulging necrotic breasts. It’s not the overbearing fog. It’s not even the possessed dogs. A handgun, flashlight, and Cesar Milan can take care of those. It’s that nearly every door is locked, and that nearly all of the locks are broken. There’s stuff in those rooms! Hell, there may even be people, trapped for months for lack of a guy with a screwdriver. We take Silent Hill’s broken lock pandemic seriously, which is why we created the following video expose:
There’s no excuse for this kind of nonsense - even my barber moonlights as a locksmith, and Silent Hill doesn’t have just one? Homecoming is a good game, but it won’t be fully complete until we know what’s behind all those doors. Forget your little brother, he was asking for it. Your insane mother isn’t going anywhere, and the whole mess is probably her fault anyway. You have doors to open! Who knows what could be collecting dust inside Homecoming’s unreachable rooms? Mysterious clues? Treasure? Better level design? The only way to find out is with DLC, which will be released never.
Above: Another party missed thanks to a faulty lock
Resident Evil 5 – Skippy the Clown
Blame: Associate Features Editor Shane Patterson
Resident Evil 5 - like its predecessors - enables you to play from the point of view of multiple characters if you so choose. In this version we get all-star pretty boy Chris Redfield and Sheva McHottness. But remember all the way back to Resident Evil 2 and how you could unlock Hunk - the Umbrella soldier - and Tofu - the strip of tofu that was modeled for collision detection. We need more joke characters to play our RE with.
What I propose is DLC that adds Skippy the Clown, a magical, pansexual, non-threatening mischief-maker! See, Skippy won’t have all the weapons that Chris and Sheva have. No miniguns, rifles, or shotguns here. Instead, all new weapons like confetti, pies, whoopee cushions and seltzer spray are used to disorient the zombies… or whatever the hell they are.
But get this: all of the clown weapons stun the enemies so they can’t move around. Because when you get hit with a pie, you don’t automatically get angry and charge the attacker. You look around with banana cream on your face and you’re like, “what the hell, I got hit with a pie.” And then you laugh, ‘cause really, who throws a pie?