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Cracks (2009)
What It's About
A thoughtful study of the intricate - and occasionally intimate - relationships between the pupils at an elite English girls' boarding school. Eva Green is in it. No, that isn't Kate Winslet.
When one of the working girls lies about her age, the resulting scandal exposes the delicate fault-lines in the local whore community.
The Last Airbender (2010)
What It's About
M. Night Shyamalan's adaptation of the animated TV show follows Aang, a magical young 'Bender' who must stop the evil Fire Nation from enslaving the Water, Earth and Air nations or something.
The military offer him a job as a new secret weapon, but a kindly woman doctor tries to convince him that killing other human beings by breaking wind at them will surely erode his soul in the long run.
Jack agrees and, while the woman doctor holds his hand and smiles, he undergoes a complex intestinal-buckle procedure which renders him incapable of projecting his atomised stool into the atmosphere.
Dragonball Evolution (2009)
What It's About
Young warrior Son Goku embarks on a dangerous quest to race against time and fight the evil King Piccolo by collecting magic orbs that give him special powers.
He has his own 'nads removed and replaced by the magic ones, convinced he'll be able to breathe fire and fly.
But instead of fighting crime and injustice as a beguiling 'Dragon Man' superhero figure, he's indefinitely detained under section 4 of the Mental Health Act.
Young Man With A Horn (1950)
What It's About
Rebellious young fella Rick Martin is a master of the trumpet. But his volatile personality lures him away from sensible trumpet music into the sleazy world of freeform jazz trumpet music.
But when he's diagnosed as a chronic sex addict, he only ends up bedding his sexy therapist and everyone in the support group.
Willy then ordains himself the leader of the Church Of Sex And Trumpet Music-Playing, proclaiming that everyone should have sex with women and play music on the trumpet.
But then, he starts to grow a rhino-like horn out of the front of his head. The women he used to have sex with are repulsed and the horn grows at such an angle that he can no longer play his other horn (trumpet).
He eventually achieves redemption by giving up sex and trumpets, and opening a specialist jazz bar and swingers' club which only admits sex-addicted trumpet players with acromegalic bone-growth disorders.
Bone Deep (2010)
What It's About
A suspiciously Ocean's Eleven -style group of dashing bank robbers (including, erm, Hayden Christensen) find their $20m heist plan interrupted by a hard-boiled detective played by Matt Dillon.
Bone Deep is a bit too easy, but as for Takers ... How about an underground male escort agency who step in during wedding nights when grooms are too nervous/drunk to perform?
One of them falls for a client and tries to break up the marriage. But her husband is a mob boss. Played by Hayden Christensen.
No...
Blown Away (1994)
What It's About
Jeff Bridges plays a bomb disposal expert threatened by escaped bomber Tommy Lee Jones. Will he get the better of his antagonist or will he be blown away (by one of his bombs)?
He embarks on a rigorous training regime by shooting heavy vases off distant rocks with a peashooter - at high altitude.
Soon, he's able to fulfil his dream of taking the US blow football team to Afghanistan for a puff-to-the-death battle with the Taliban.
Sadly, on the way to the tournament, while being enthusiastically fellated by a gaggle of groupies, the entire team is exploded by a roadside bomb.
Snatch (2000)
What It's About
Russian gangsters, Irish bare-knuckle boxers, dodgy boxing promoters, amateur crooks, Jewish jewellers, diamond fackin' geezers, Danny Boyle's directing style lifted wholesale...
Unfortunately, the lady's front-bottom develops a pathological shoplifting problem and, after surviving a few hilarious scrapes (literally) in a women's prison, agrees to go back to her understandably distraught erstwhile owner.
Last one...
