Closing The Ring (2007)
What It's About
A young man embarks on a quest to find the rightful owner of a ring dropped by the pilot of a US World War II bomber who crashed near Belfast in 1944.
What It Should Be About
A young woman who has made a career out of appearing in an Amsterdam stage show firing ping-pong balls out of her rectum tries to break away from the seedy world of firing ping-pong balls out of her rectum in Amsterdam by getting a job as a council official responsible for revoking the licenses of unauthorised circuses.
Cracks (2009)
What It's About
A thoughtful study of the intricate - and occasionally intimate - relationships between the pupils at an elite English girls' boarding school. Eva Green is in it. No, that isn't Kate Winslet.
What It Should Be About
Knockabout comedy chronicling the ups, downs, ins and outs of a family-run brothel in the North of England.
When one of the working girls lies about her age, the resulting scandal exposes the delicate fault-lines in the local whore community.
The Last Airbender (2010)
What It's About
M. Night Shyamalan's adaptation of the animated TV show follows Aang, a magical young 'Bender' who must stop the evil Fire Nation from enslaving the Water, Earth and Air nations or something.
What It Should Be About
Jack Black stars as a competitive eater with a remarkable talent/curse - his flatulence can kill.
The military offer him a job as a new secret weapon, but a kindly woman doctor tries to convince him that killing other human beings by breaking wind at them will surely erode his soul in the long run.
Jack agrees and, while the woman doctor holds his hand and smiles, he undergoes a complex intestinal-buckle procedure which renders him incapable of projecting his atomised stool into the atmosphere.
Dragonball Evolution (2009)
What It's About
Young warrior Son Goku embarks on a dangerous quest to race against time and fight the evil King Piccolo by collecting magic orbs that give him special powers.
What It Should Be About
While doing a spot of weeding, a headstrong young zoologist discovers a pair of petrified testicles he believes once belonged to a mythical creature.
He has his own 'nads removed and replaced by the magic ones, convinced he'll be able to breathe fire and fly.
But instead of fighting crime and injustice as a beguiling 'Dragon Man' superhero figure, he's indefinitely detained under section 4 of the Mental Health Act.
Young Man With A Horn (1950)
What It's About
Rebellious young fella Rick Martin is a master of the trumpet. But his volatile personality lures him away from sensible trumpet music into the sleazy world of freeform jazz trumpet music.
What It Should Be About
Danny Dyer is Bill Cox (aka 'Free' Willy), a cheeky young cockney chap who just can't get enough of playing the trumpet and having sex with women.
But when he's diagnosed as a chronic sex addict, he only ends up bedding his sexy therapist and everyone in the support group.
Willy then ordains himself the leader of the Church Of Sex And Trumpet Music-Playing, proclaiming that everyone should have sex with women and play music on the trumpet.
But then, he starts to grow a rhino-like horn out of the front of his head. The women he used to have sex with are repulsed and the horn grows at such an angle that he can no longer play his other horn (trumpet).
He eventually achieves redemption by giving up sex and trumpets, and opening a specialist jazz bar and swingers' club which only admits sex-addicted trumpet players with acromegalic bone-growth disorders.
Bone Deep (2010)
What It's About
A suspiciously Ocean's Eleven -style group of dashing bank robbers (including, erm, Hayden Christensen) find their $20m heist plan interrupted by a hard-boiled detective played by Matt Dillon.
What It Should Be About
Two for the price of one here, as Bone Deep is only the working title. Looks like the finished name will be, umm, Takers .
Bone Deep is a bit too easy, but as for Takers ... How about an underground male escort agency who step in during wedding nights when grooms are too nervous/drunk to perform?
One of them falls for a client and tries to break up the marriage. But her husband is a mob boss. Played by Hayden Christensen.
No...
Blown Away (1994)
What It's About
Jeff Bridges plays a bomb disposal expert threatened by escaped bomber Tommy Lee Jones. Will he get the better of his antagonist or will he be blown away (by one of his bombs)?
What It Should Be About
Jeff Bridges plays a blow football champ who's worried that he might be forced to retire after developing issues with lung function.
He embarks on a rigorous training regime by shooting heavy vases off distant rocks with a peashooter - at high altitude.
Soon, he's able to fulfil his dream of taking the US blow football team to Afghanistan for a puff-to-the-death battle with the Taliban.
Sadly, on the way to the tournament, while being enthusiastically fellated by a gaggle of groupies, the entire team is exploded by a roadside bomb.
Taken (2008)
What It's About
Liam Neeson is a retired secret agent forced to utilise his old skills in finding his conveniently attractive daughter who's been kidnapped by diabolical - and expendable - European scum.
What It Should Be About
Liam Neeson is a revolutionary doctor who miniaturises himself and travels into the rectal canal of the President's daughter to clear a blockage...
Snatch (2000)
What It's About
Russian gangsters, Irish bare-knuckle boxers, dodgy boxing promoters, amateur crooks, Jewish jewellers, diamond fackin' geezers, Danny Boyle's directing style lifted wholesale...
What It Should Be About
Trey Parker and Matt Stone recount the touching, animated tale of a lady's front-bottom which detaches from its owner and strikes out on its own.
Unfortunately, the lady's front-bottom develops a pathological shoplifting problem and, after surviving a few hilarious scrapes (literally) in a women's prison, agrees to go back to her understandably distraught erstwhile owner.
Last one...
Tit For Tat (1935)
What It's About
Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy establish an electrical store next door to a grocery store. They wreak slapstick havoc in the grocery store and it all ends with a hilarious sequence of looting.
What It Should Be About
A man funds transgender surgery by selling off his unwanted possessions.
