Freddy Krueger
The Film: A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
The Sitter: Knife-fingered nightmare who preys on and kills kids their sleep.
Inappropriate How? He’ll be fine for a while, crooning some creepy/soothing lullaby until your nippers drift off into the land of nod.
Then he’ll haunt their dreams and concoct some very gruesome slasher-movie-friendly ways of putting their insides on the outside or making them turn into a fly that you absent-mindedly swat when you walk through the front door.
Result? No kids.
Magneto
The Film: X-Men (2000)
The Sitter: Super-mutant born Max Eisenhardt but known as Magneto. So-called because of his ability to manipulate metal via magnetism.
Inappropriate How? God help your brats if they’re little whirling dervishes. Magneto has no time for fools, and would use all the silverware in the house to fashion an impenetrable (and uncomfortable, he’s mean like that) prison for your youngsters.
That, or he’d seize the opportunity to figure out if your kids have any latent mutant genes. If they do, they could get recruited into his no-good regime.
George Harvey
The Film : The Lovely Bones (2010)
The Sitter: Murderous neighbour of the Salmon family, who delights in offing little girls. He's never been imprisoned for his heinous crimes, such is the skill with which he carries out his horrendous work.
Inappropriate How? We won’t go into the details, but this would be on the route marked ‘tragedy’.
The Dude
The Film: The Big Lebowski (1998)
The Sitter: Also known as Jeffrey Lebowski. Bowler. Unemployed teacher. All-round slacker.
Inappropriate How? It’s all about priorities. The Dude’s primary priorities are weed and getting wasted.
Which would make him the best babysitter ever from your kids’ point of view (freedom! anarchy! as much ice cream as we can eat before puking!), but the worst if you want to return to a house that resembles anything like the one you left.
The Grand High Witch
The Film: The Witches (1990)
The Sitter: A merciless, globe-trotting magic-wielder whose primary objective is to wipe children off the face of the planet.
Inappropriate How? Kids are about as safe around the Grand High Witch as mice are around cats, or Connors are around Terminators.
Once you’re out the door, she’ll shed her debonair exoskeleton and reveal her nauseating true nature. Then she’ll brew a potion that’ll turn your kids into cockroaches or something. Nasty witch.
Hannibal Lecter
The Film: The Silence Of The Lambs (1991)
The Sitter: Mad but brilliant psychiatrist who likes to eat his victims, hence the nickname Hannibal the Cannibal.
Inappropriate How? He’d make a right meal of this job. Ffnnar.
If you’ve got any Francis Bacon paintings/replications sitting around the house, you risk unleashing Dr Lecter’s savage creative streak, and surrendering your loved ones to a horrific (but artistic, has to be said) fate.
Cruella de Vil
The Film: 101 Dalmations (1961)
The Sitter: Ms de Vil is a slave to fashion and a cut-throat enforcer of all the latest trends.
Inappropriate How? She’d probably attempt to make a coat out of your innocent little ankle-biters. Dogs are so last season.
That, or she’d set your kids to work making her a new wardrobe. And she wouldn’t let them rest until blood oozed from their fingertips and they chewed at the carpet out of hunger.
Gremlins
The Film: Gremlins (1984)
The Sitters: They’re anarchic little buggers.
Inappropriate How? Even if they just join in with whatever unpleasant scheme your offspring have in mind, there’ll be just a pile of smouldering ash left where your house/block of flats used to be.
At best, they’ll perform horrific experiments on your young ‘uns for their own gruesome pleasure. At worst they’ll get wet and multiply until you’ve got yourself your very own Gremlin farm.
The Child-Catcher
The Film: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)
The Sitter: The name has it. This guy’s a professional child-catcher, and one of the scariest villains ever created for the big screen. Naturally, he was the product of Roald Dahl's fevered imagination.
Inappropriate How? Um, your kids won’t be there when you get back home.
Michael Myers
The Film: Halloween (1978)
The Sitter: Myers killed his sister when he was just six-years-old. Committed to an insane asylum, he inevitably breaks out to wreak havoc on his hometown of Haddonfield.
Inappropriate How? Mr Myers has a nasty habit of killing babysitters. So, short of him committing murder-suicide by offing himself in a fit of disgust, we can’t imagine he holds much respect for the babies being sat. Expect a very unpleasant welcome home.
The T-1000
The Film: Terminator 2 (1991)
The Sitter: Time-travelling android killer made of mimetic poly-alloy, meaning he can take on the form of anybody he touches.
Inappropriate How? Last we checked, bounty hunter/assassins weren’t very wise choices for looking after impressionable/fragile little things.
And if you’re the target of the T-1000, returning home could be a very bad move if he has replicated himself into one of your kids in order to off you with minimal fuss. Trust no-one when the T-1000 is around. Especially your kids.
Melvin
The Film: As Good As It Gets (1997)
The Sitter: Racist, homophobic, anti-sematic, Melvin Udall is nonetheless a bestselling romance novelist. He also suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Inappropriate How? He hates everybody. And we mean everybody (didn’t you see that list above?). Your kids would get a very short thrift with this guy.
Except if they can work out his Achilles’ heel (as kids often can), and make a mess of the house and themselves so that he leaves them alone.
Billy Loomis
The Film: Scream (1996)
The Sitter: Crazed loon who loves horror movies just a little too much, and decides to exact revenge on the residents of Woodsboro by killing them if they get their movie trivia wrong.
Inappropriate How? Serial killers make bad babysitters. If your little ones are all clued up on their movies, they should be alright. But God forbid if they get the name of the Alien's first victim wrong. Billy takes no prisoners. Just their insides.
Lon
The Film: Léon (1994)
The Sitter: A hired gun, Léon is a professional ‘cleaner’. I.e. he does the job that others are too scared to – getting rid of human baggage for crime boss Tony.
Inappropriate How? Not so much dangerous for the kids as it will be for you if Léon teaches your offspring a few tricks of the trade.
Little Jimmy won’t go to bed. You tell him he has to. Little Jimmy refuses, pulls out a switchblade and threatens to stick you until you relent. (You better relent, Léon’s a good teacher.)
The Fierys
The Film: Labyrinth (1986)
The Sitter: Also known as the Fire Gang, these wild wood goblins like to sing a song or two. And forget ambidexterity, these guys can pull their limbs off entirely.
Inappropriate How? These babysitters would have your kids in pieces. Literally. Though perfectly game for a laugh, they don’t like it if you mess with their body bits.
Once they’ve figured out that your younglings' limbs aren’t detachable like theirs, they’ll likely grab a blade and attempt to make them more easily separable. Bloodbath guaranteed.
