A Fright to Remember
Oh Dear God What Is It? Kate Winslet as Rose from Titanic . See, she's crying for Leo.
What It Actually Looks Like: Jake Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas , stuck in a fright wig and smothered in rouge.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: Her cadaverous mourning would haaunt all ships that sail the seas.
Harry Rotter
Oh Dear God What Is It? Daniel Radcliffe as Hogwarts hero Harry Potter, plus friend.
What It Actually Looks Like: Ozzy Osbourne dressed as a Victorian bodysnatcher. Hedwig the owl looks like a melted ice cream.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: It'd perform malicious magic shows in Vegas that ended in the audience's mass suicide.
Harry Rotter
Oh Dear God What Is It? Daniel Radcliffe as Hogwarts hero Harry Potter, plus friend.
What It Actually Looks Like: Ozzy Osbourne dressed as a Victorian bodysnatcher. Hedwig the owl looks like a melted ice cream.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: It'd perform malicious magic shows in Vegas that ended in the audience's mass suicide.
Harry Rotter
Oh Dear God What Is It? Daniel Radcliffe as Hogwarts hero Harry Potter, plus friend.
What It Actually Looks Like: Ozzy Osbourne dressed as a Victorian bodysnatcher. Hedwig the owl looks like a melted ice cream.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: It'd perform malicious magic shows in Vegas that ended in the audience's mass suicide.
Tres Shriek
Oh Dear God What Is It? Audrey Hepburn reprises her role as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's. More like Horror Golightly.
What It Actually Looks Like: An android prostitute.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: She'd be dumping the bodies in the Moon River.
Licensed to Go Kill-Crazy
Oh Dear God What Is It? Daniel Craig as 007.
What It Actually Looks Like: A Mount Rushmore head in a blonde wig.
He'd If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: He'd wouldn't need to give it orders, which is just as well since Bond's ears seem to be blocked in.
Cell Block Slaughter
Oh Dear God What Are They? Catherine Zeta Jones and Renee Zellweger, aka Velma Kelly and Roxie Hart in 2002 musical Chicago .
What They Actually Look Like: Hideously botched scientific experiments. Zeta Jones' head has been swapped for an extra-terrestrial grey, while Zellweger's has been stung by a hundred poisonous bees.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of Them: "I can't do it alone," hisses Velma, but with Roxie in tow they two can maim, dismember, all that jazz.
Kill Bill and Ben, The Flowerpot Men
Oh Dear God What Is It? Quentin Tarantino's muse, Uma Thurman.
What It Actually Looks Like: A reanimated Bodyworks exhibit.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: A roaring rampage of revenge against everyone in Britain who didn't go to see Motherhood . Congratulations to the lucky eleven people who did; you're safe.
With Great Power Comes Chilling Evil
Oh Dear God What Is It? Tobey Maguire, clearly bummed out because he isn't Spidey anymore.
What It Actually Looks Like: The disconcerting thousand-yard-stare of a serial killer geek.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: He would lead a miniature army of shunned icons, including Brian Cox's Hannibal Lecter and Val Kilmer's Batman.
Off Her Jolie Rocker
Oh Dear God What Is It? Sex siren Angelina Jolie, less Tomb Raider than dragged out of a tomb.
What It Actually Looks Like: As if a seahorse was mated with a lion.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: She'd probably kick his arse. She's scary.
Please turn out the Twilight
Oh Dear God What Are They? Twi-lifers Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart).
What They Actually Look Like: Unnatural, unborn killers. The attempt at genuine chest fuzz on Pattinson only makes the whole thing more terrifying.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of Them: He'd have them re-enact the Twilight films in your nightmares, every single night.
It's not blood, it's Scarlett
Oh Dear God What Is It? Handily, this one comes with a photo of the original, to prove it's Scarlett Johansen.
What It Actually Looks Like: The biologically impossible lovechild of Jodie Foster and Avril Lavinge.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: The world's leaders would quickly surrender in the face of her threat to make sequels to The Island , The Spirit and Scoop .
We're not in Kansas anymore
Oh Dear God What Is It? Judy Garland as Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz .
What It Actually Looks Like: Hilary Swank, so hell-bent on winning Oscar #3 she'd even kill Toto.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: Murders in the style of Oz - houses dropped on passers-by, boiling water in the face, specially trained monkey assassins...
Depp-ravity
Oh Dear God What Is It? Everybody's favourite pirate, Johnny Depp.
What It Actually Looks Like: A predatory salsa teacher.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: He'd appear unannounced at children's schools and make them dance until they cried.
McGonagall to Hell
Oh Dear God What Is It? Hogwarts' Deputy Head Minerva McGonagall, as played by Maggie Smith.
What It Actually Looks Like: An albino egg on stilts.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: Muggles beware! This one will go loco with unmentionable curses.
Leedle foe
Oh Dear God What Is It? Tony Montana, aka Al Pacino.
What It Actually Looks Like: A perma-tanned disco dancer fallen on hard times.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: The X Factor would have its sternest judge ever; perform badly and face Tony's 'leedle friend.'
Dark Arterton
Oh Dear God What Is It? Gemma Arterton, in her guise of Prince of Persia's Princess Tamina.
What It Actually Looks Like: A haunted tree.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: That St Trinian's mischief and cunning goes global, with a death trap around every corner.
Dunst Check Out
Oh Dear God What Is It? Spidey's ex-screen sweetheart, Kirsten Dunst.
What It Actually Looks Like: A squashed potato. In a wig.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: Savagery disguised in sweetness, this demented Dunst will turn her enemies to dust.
The Pitts
Oh Dear God What Is It? Brad Pitt's Detective Mills from Se7en .
What It Actually Looks Like: A sad burns victim.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: Benjamin Button-style, he'd infiltrate families, terrorise them, and then sneak off because nobody's looking for someone who gets younger.
You've gotta be Kid-ding
Oh Dear God What Is It? Aussie queen Nicole Kidman.
What It Actually Looks Like: An air hostess turned homicidial from too many long-haul flights.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: Everybody in the world would be forced to live with Tom Cruise for a decade.
Mort
Oh Dear God What Is It? You can call him Strider, or Aragorn, but really his name is Viggo Mortensen.
What It Actually Looks Like: A greasy biker on a medieval re-enactment weekend.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: Mankind would have to fight Viggo in a naked Turkish bath a la Eastern Promises .
Hell Hathaway no fury
Oh Dear God What Is It? Anne Hathaway, a long way from The Princess Diaries .
What It Actually Looks Like: The owl-woman of doom.
If The Puppet Master Got Hold Of It: The Devil would stop wearing Prada and accessorise with human skin.
