22 Great SF Insults

From the acerbic comeback to the downright rude and the plain bizarre – see if you can slip ’em in to a conversation with the boss

1 “You’re about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.”
Rimmer, “Queeg”, Red Dwarf

2 “He’s not as stupid as he looks.”
“My dear, nobody could be as stupid as he looks.”
The Countess and Count Scarlioni, “City Of Death”, Doctor Who

3 “He’s like a turd that won’t flush.”
Deacon, Waterworld

4 “Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass in front of your eyes? ‘Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea?’”
Spike, “Lessons”, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

5 “Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.”
Zoe, “The Train Job”, Firefly

6 “Where’s the fire?”
“That would be in my pants.”
“That’s probably syphilis.”
Rube, Mason and Daisy, “Vacation”, Dead Like Me

7 “Allow me to congratulate you, sir. You have the most totally closed mind I have ever met.”
The Doctor, “Frontier In Space”, Doctor Who

8 “You’re a lot smarter than you look. Of course, you look like a retard.”
Cordelia, “I Fall To Pieces”, Angel

9 “Did the Peacekeepers capture you and steal your brain and replace it with whatever you’re suing now?”
Chiana, “What Was Lost, Part One”, Farscape

10 “You’re like a trained ape, only without the training.”
Simon, “Jaynestown”, Firefly

11 “You moon-faced assassin of joy.”
Londo, “Born To The Purple”, Babylon 5

12 “Still using all the muscles except the one that matters?”
Agent Smith, The Matrix Reloaded

13 “Hey, Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?”
“No, have you?”
Vasquez and Hudson, Aliens

14 “Friendship? Do you know how many people I’ve met in my life I could count on as friends? True friends?”
“Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your polythene pal, one.”
Rimmer and Lister, “Queeg”, Red Dwarf

15 “You know, sometimes, I even amaze myself.”
“That doesn’t sound too hard.”
Han and Leia, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

16 “I’m older and wiser.”
“Yeah well, you’re half right.”
Earl and Valentine, Tremors

17 “I’m entitled to my opinion.”
“It’s the assumption that we are entitled to it as well that is irritating.”
Villa and Avon, “Bounty”, Blake’s Seven

18 “Anything I can do to help?”
“Short of dying, no, I can’t think of a thing.”
Morden and Vir, “Interludes And Examinations”, Babylon 5

19 “If I was as worried as you, I’d never fart for fear of shitting myself.”
The Gene Genie, Life On Mars

20 “You were right. That must be a novel experience for you.”
Avon, “Killer”, Blake’s Seven

21 “You ham-fisted bun vendor.”
The Doctor, “Terror Of The Autons”, Doctor Who

22 “You are superior in only one respect.”
“What is that?”
“You are better at dying.”
Dalek Sec and Cyberleader, “Doomsday”, Doctor Who