Taxi Driver: Made In Vietnam
Why We Don’t Want It: A stone-cold classic, replete with a career-defining star turn could never be enough for Hollywood. They demand backstory dammit, and plenty of it! So here we are with a CGI de-aged Bobby D as Travis Bickle in his Viet Cong-bashing prime. Hey presto, a counter-culture classic neatly transformed into your common or garden blast-em-up.
If They Have To Make It: Be sure to cast De Niro again, if only to stop him making another Fockers movie.
Phantom Menace: Rise Of The Gungans
Why We Don’t Want It: Look out! Nobody’s favourite CGI lizard/fuckwit hybrid is back, and he’s got his own prequel. George Lucas has been targeting the idiot market for years, but surely even the most ewok-loving simpleton would balk at a Jar-Jar spin-off? Wouldn’t they…?
If They Have To Make It: We would only consider sitting through this on the very strict proviso that Jar-Jar meets a distinctly unpleasant end, preferably involving some sort of groin-based injury. Continuity issues be damned, we want him killed off!
Halloween: October 30th
Why We Don’t Want It: A group of teenage girls sit around, bitching about the new kid at school, braiding each other’s hair, talking in buttock-clenching text speak and mooning over a poster of Robert Pattinson. None of them get killed, or even maimed.
If They Have To Make It: Give Pattinson a cameo as himself, thus ensuring a massive box-office return despite the absence of an involving plot or any plausible characters. Hey, it worked for Twilight !
Toy Story: Made In Taiwan
Why We Don’t Want It: We all loved Woody, the wise-cracking, loyal hero of the original, but it’s not so easy to root for him after this harrowing origin story, set in the Taiwanese sweatshop where he was made.
If They Have To Make It: At least do it in 3D. The audience can enjoy every drop of blood in glorious splatter-vision as one of the work-force is punished for sewing Woody’s Stetson on the wrong way.
Dante's Peak: Lying Dormant
Why We Don’t Want It: An excruciating yawn-fest where nothing much happens. And that was the original! This time we go “behind the excitement” of the first film, as Pierce Brosnan pokes around at some inactive rocks. Things reach fever pitch when he discovers one that’s “quite warm”.
If They Have To Make It: Stick Michael Bay at the helm, but tell him there are to be no explosions of any kind. Include the point at which his brain melts as an extra on the DVD.
High School Musical: Kindergarten Cabaret
Why We Don’t Want It: Worryingly plausible this one, with Disney more than capable of rounding up a bunch of iron-lunged pre-teens and foisting them upon a nation of rabid Miley Cyrus fans and their long-suffering parents. Pray that there isn’t a Mouse House exec reading this…
If They Have To Make It: Zac Efron should be forced to appear in every High School Musical -branded production from now until his dying day, the perma-grinning oaf.
The Land Before The Land Before Time
Why We Don’t Want It: The Land Before Time was a much loved genre classic, with input from both Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, thus making it ripe for a lifeless, vapid “reimagining”, retaining none of the charm of the original. Cue a collection of wacky, primitive organisms embarking on a quest to escape the primordial soup. All voiced by Ray Romano.
If They Have To Make It: Don’t allow Spielberg and Lucas anywhere near it. Making a mockery out of Indy is one thing, but nobody messes with Littlefoot, got it?
Harry Potter: The Primary School Years
Why We Don’t Want It: To clarify, this won’t be the thrill-a-minute tale of Harry’s parents and their struggle against evil Lord Voldemort. That will be the prequel to the prequel. First of all, we’ve got to plough through the boy wizard’s pre-magic adventures at the local suburban primary school. It’s all about his journey you see…wait, come back!
If They Have To Make It: Have Stephen Fry narrate it. The man could bring a touch of gravitas to a recital from the phone book.
Day Of The Not-Quite Dead
Why We Don’t Want It: Origin stories sell, so why not cram a whole bunch of them into one movie? Here we are then, on the day before The Night Of The Living Dead , where tomorrow’s zombies are languishing in hospital wards, saying goodbye to their loved ones etc. It’s the story behind the flesh-eating that people really care about, right? Oh.
If They Have To Make It: Try and get Romero on board. He’s probably sick and tired of the franchise by now…or so you would have thought.
Jerry Maguire: Show Me The Money
Why We Don’t Want It: Jerry Maguire only becomes bearable after he recognises the error of his money-grabbing ways. Just imagine a prequel charting his climb up the greasy pole of sports agency…we’re thinking something akin to a two-hour episode of The Apprentice . Yikes!
If They Have To Make It: Cruise has to sign on again. He stretches credibility as a reasonable human being, but playing a smarmy, self-satisfied shit? Right up his alley!
Ocean's Ten
Why We Don’t Want It: Eleven was ace. Twelve disappeared up its own backside. Thirteen re-emerged from said backside, its shine slightly worn away. A prequel, based around the gambling, thieving exploits of a young Danny Ocean would be eminently doable. There’s just no bloody need! So it’ll probably happen, then.
If They Have To Make It: For God’s sake steer clear of the in-jokes. The Julia Roberts as Tess Ocean as Julia Roberts shtick was the cinematic equivalent of Piers Morgan "relieving" himself whilst looking in the mirror. Yuck.
The Godfather: Born In The Bronx
Why We Don’t Want It: It’s the story of a young Vito Corleone, making his way through the mean streets of New York. Which was obviously already done in Part 2 , but why worry about that when there’s cash to be made? Re-cast Shia LaBeouf as Don Vito, tell the same story to a new audience and laugh your way to the bank. Simple!
If They Have To Make It: If he gives this one the green light, Coppola should be marched back to the Academy and forced to return his Oscars.
American Pie: The Jim's Dad Story
Why We Don’t Want It: Remember all those hilariously embarrassing anecdotes churned out in the original by Eugene Levy? You know, the ones about wanking? Well now we can see how they really happened, in this umpteenth Pie spin-off! The sequels aren’t getting any better, so let’s try going backwards, eh?
If They Have To Make It: It really has to star Eugene Levy. Which shouldn’t be a problem… he even did American Pie: Band Camp .
Nutty Professor: The Klump Family Album
Why We Don’t Want It: You just know that if there were a studio stupid enough to greenlight it, Eddie Murphy would be only too happy to dust off the prosthetics for another round of deeply unfunny fart gags. Just how did Sherman’s parents get that fat, eh? And their parents? Fat as well? Stop it, you’re killing us!
If They Have To Make It: Sub Murphy out for Martin Lawrence. We’ll take Big Momma’s House over The Klumps …probably.
The Usual Suspects 2: The Legend Of Keyser Soze
Why We Don’t Want It: The original was a perfect balance of mystery, action and razor-sharp dialogue. No need for any of that in the prequel though. We know who Keyser is, so mystery can be shown the door. And a snappy script costs money, so scratch that. Action however? Well now you’re talking. A young Keyser as a trigger-happy antihero? That’s how we spell “reboot”.
If They Have To Make It: Find a role for Stephen Baldwin. After his Big Brother antics we’re a little concerned for his wellbeing…
Snakes On A Plane 2: Snakes In Departures
Why We Don’t Want It: “I have had it with these motherfucking delays, to my motherfucking flight. Oh, and the snakes.” All hell breaks loose at LAX when Uncle Sam has another brush with the slippery so-and-sos from the original. A hole soon emerges in the side of his face from wedging his tongue too firmly in his cheek.
I f They Have To Make It: Do a bit more work on the CGI. Some of those snakes made Jar-Jar look plausible.
Saw Zero
Why We Don’t Want It: It’s the classic horror franchise formula, and it’s never any good! Make a decent film, churn out a series of increasingly rubbish sequels, then start over again with a remake or prequel to the original. We don’t want to see Jigsaw as a little boy. We don’t want to see somebody’s eyeball squelched in 3D. We just want them to pack it in!
If They Have To Make It: Strip it down to the gritty basics of the first one. Over-elaborate Mousetrap -esque deaths are wearing a bit thin.
Pirates Of The Caribbean: When Pintel Met Ragetti
Why We Don’t Want It: In a series where Johnny Depp had already got the comic relief firmly covered, was there any need for these two muppets in the first place? Not in the least. However, Johnny will surely get tired of Jack Sparrow some day (wont he?), at which point we can expect this two-hour gag-vacuum based around the boundless comic potential of a man with a glass eye.
If They Have To Make It: Cast a couple of figures from the theme-park ride. They’d be less irritating.
Bond Begins
Why We Don’t Want It: Poor, penniless MGM have stuck the latest Bond vehicle up on bricks, so the chance to ditch Daniel Craig for an unknown youth would probably please the studio number bods. Cue a horrendously transparent Potter rip-off in which young Bond pitches up at spy school.
If They Have To Make It: All of Bond’s habits must remain, so we want him sipping a martini in the lunch hall, pinching the secretary’s arse and breaking the school bully’s teeth on a urinal.
Apollo 12
Why We Don’t Want It: Apollo 13 trundled along at snail’s pace, and that was based around a potential space catastrophe. Imagine then the tedium of the Apollo 12 story. The sixth manned flight to the moon, it landed successfully, fulfilled it’s various tasks and arrived home safely. Rubbish.
If They Have To Make It: We demand a bit of Hollywood’s patented history-tinkering. One of the engines should explode half-way, leaving Bruce Willis to tearfully sacrifice himself for the good of humanity. Oh, hang on…
Shakespeare In Lust
Why We Don’t Want It: It’s the Bard’s awkward, teenage years, in which he writes a series of cringey love poems for the girls in his class, and lurks around outside his sister’s bedroom hoping to catch one of her friends in the buff. Historical accuracy is passed over in favour of a soundtrack from Ke$ha.
If They Have To Make It: Have Jane Goldman do the script. It’ll give poor old Wossy something to talk about once he’s shown the door at the Beeb.
Batman Origins: Robin
Why We Don’t Want It: Chris Nolan will probably only do one more in his excellent series of Batman films, but if you think that means Warner Bros will pack up the license, think again. An origin series a la Wolverine beckons, and prancing circus jessy Robin is the man we’d least like to see get the treatment. Holy homoerotic tension Batman!
If They Have To Make It: Don’t tell Chris O’Donnell. We’ve had quite enough of him, thank you very much.
Titanic: Nuts And Bolts
Why We Don’t Want It: It’s the thrill-a-minute tale of how the old tub was built. Laugh as a wrench falls on someone’s head! Gasp when a shortage of paint threatens the project’s completion! Yawn as the running time hits the four-hour mark! Howl as it cleans up at the Oscars!
If They Have To Make It: Find room for Billy Zane. What’s happened to him? Come back Billy! Your ship has finally come in!
