Top Gear
Starring: Steve Coogan as Jeremy Clarkson, Bill Nighy as James May, Ewan McGregor as Richard Hammond, Ben Stiller as The Stig
The pitch: Three men with bad hair argue and mess about with cars. It’s The Fast And The Furious for the middle-aged.
The glitch: Even an IMAX screen would struggle to contain Clarkson’s ego.
Deal Or No Deal
Starring: Richard Attenborough as Noel Edmonds
The pitch: Edmonds is the fiendish, Joker/Jigsaw-esque mastermind who sends his victims boxes which contain either details of their grisly fate or some money.
The glitch: There’d have to be a stupid, budget-busting twist where the studio is revealed to be the contents of a big box held by a giant, bearded, God-like Edmonds.
Antiques Roadshow
Starring: Kristin Scott Thomas as That Woman Who Used To Be On The News
The pitch: That Woman Who Used To Be On The News is a woman archaeologist who rescues old people’s old junk from Nazi collectors and then watches while experts tell them how much it isn’t worth.
The glitch: George Lucas would ruin it by setting it on the moon or something.
Strictly Come Dancing
Starring: David Hasselhoff as Bruce Forsyth, Sienna Miller as Tess Daly
The pitch: An elderly man lurks in the shadows as sprightly youngsters in spangly costumes prance around to jaunty music. Could be a sort of Wizard Of Oz redux, only more frightening.
The glitch: Bruce is a real wizard and, as consultant, would disrupt the set by doing seduction spells on the girls.
The News
Starring: Tom Hanks as Huw Edwards
The pitch: An intrepid but dull explorer searches the world for the truth. He then sits behind a desk and explains his findings. A bit like The Da Vinci Code with a desk.
The glitch: Would have to wait until Hugh Grant's career is sufficiently hopeless for him to agree to play the desk.
There's a new Mummy movie on the way from the director of Evil Dead Rise and I just want to know if Blumhouse has called Brendan Fraser yet
Marvel Rivals made Jeff the Land Shark so stinkin' adorable that the MCU is bringing him on as an official hero: "We're all Jeff fans around here. Man is he fun to play"
There's a new Mummy movie on the way from the director of Evil Dead Rise and I just want to know if Blumhouse has called Brendan Fraser yet
Marvel Rivals made Jeff the Land Shark so stinkin' adorable that the MCU is bringing him on as an official hero: "We're all Jeff fans around here. Man is he fun to play"
