Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate The Pirates! in an Adventure With Scientists (2012)
The Character: A not-very-subtly disguised stowaway, SCP (voiced by Ashley Jensen) is a lover and a fighter. Despite the surprisingly child-bearing hips and an affection for the Captain that borders on cuddliness, she's as good a pirate as the rest - cutlas, plank-walk, beard and all.
The Beard: Pretty flimsy, if we're being honest. Top marks for beardy subterfuge though.
Strokability: In reality, not so much - what with it being crafted from Aardman clay and all.
Noah Calhoun The Notebook (2004)
The Character: A charming country boy (played, of course, by Ryan Gosling) who has a whirlwind romance with Allie Hamilton (Rachel McAdams). But can it last the end of the summer?
The Beard: A RIDICULOUSLY hot beard that only serves to make Ryan Gosling EVEN MORE RIDICULOUSLY HOT than he already is.
Strokability: YOU’RE KIDDING RIGHT?
Vitruvius The LEGO Movie (2013)
The Character: A blind wizard and one of the Master Builders (read: Crazy Cool Guys) of Bricksburg. Has the voice of Morgan Freeman.
The Beard: A moulded bit of white plastic that’s been made to look like a beard.
Strokability: It’s made of plastic, so…
Ben Richards The Running Man (1987)
The Character: A police pilot who’s accused of committing a massacre, Ben (Arnold Schwarzenegger) becomes a contestant in a futuristic game show in which contestants fight for their lives.
The Beard: A relatively tame brunette smattering of hair – and one of the few times Arnie’s actually donned the facial fluff.
Strokability: We’re not sure an action man like Richards would welcome a beard stroke…
President Prime Minister Admiral General Haffaz Aladeen The Dictator (2012)
The Character: Leader of the Republic of Wadiya. He’s so immature that he makes Ali G look positively ancient.
The Beard: Black, woolly and perfectly symmetrical with the PM’s impressive 'do.
Strokability: Stroking probably isn’t an option, but this beard definitely looks super-absorbent.
Zod Superman II (1982)
The Character: Kryptonian leader with an ego the size of a planet. Enjoys wearing plunging necklines and scowling at people. A lot.
The Beard: A no-nonsense, shortly-cropped black beard that positively screams “INTERGALACTIC VILLAIN!”
Strokability: More likely to be stroked by Zod as he schemes away – try it yourself and end up in the Phantom Zone.
Stoick The Vast - How To Train Your Dragon (2010)
The Character: Viking leader who values nothing above the ability to kill/stab/destroy dragons. Sadly, his son Hiccup doesn’t seem to have much fight in him.
The Beard: Just as vast as his name suggests, this beard is bright red, massive and is even plaited off at the ends. Attention to detail is everything.
Strokability: Uh, Stoick’s a Viking, so we’d say NOT stroking his beard is pretty good for your health.
Ron Burgundy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
The Character: Legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) turns to facial hair at his lowest ebb - when he accidentally tells San Diego to go f*ck itself, he swiftly becomes unemployed, friendless and very beardy.
The Beard: As Hobo-y as they come, all unkempt and probably smelly. Throw in a milk guzzling that drips all over the place, and it's not a good place to me.
Strokability: That thing will smell of lactose for weeks. "Milk was a bad choice," indeed.
Leonidas 300 (2006)
The Character: Badass, six-packed king of the Spartans. Likes yelling things like “THIS IS SPARTA!”
The Beard: A Grecian masterpiece befitting of a king.
Strokability: We’d only agree to stroke it if he agreed to put away those sharp pointy things.
Moses The Ten Commandments (1956)
The Character: Moses (Charlton Heston). Parted the Red Sea. Climbed Mount Sinai. Received the Ten Commandments from on high. You know the chap.
The Beard: Damn near godly in its unerring fullness – this is the kind of beard you hope Santa Claus has. Or God, for that matter.
Strokability: So strokable we'd probably have a religious experience at a single touch.
There's a new Mummy movie on the way from the director of Evil Dead Rise and I just want to know if Blumhouse has called Brendan Fraser yet
Marvel Rivals made Jeff the Land Shark so stinkin' adorable that the MCU is bringing him on as an official hero: "We're all Jeff fans around here. Man is he fun to play"
