Billy The Kid - BloodRayne 2: Deliverance (2007)
The Villain: A 357-year-old Transylvanian vampire, Billy The Kid (Zack Ward) at least has ambitions – he’s attempting to build his own undead army.
Shame he looks like a Wild West pimp and is as flamboyant as Elton John on an evening off.
Crappest Moment: The sheriff shoots him. In response, Billy The Kid raises his arms and screeches like a dinosaur. Then bites him.
It looks shit. It is shit.
Jason Jason X (2001)
The Villain: As if Jason hadn’t already become enough of a joke by this point in the franchise, this tenth (count ‘em) slashfest has him getting all spacified.
Which means a new, facehugger-like mask and really dodgy threads. He looks ridiculous.
Crappest Moment: “He’s been modified.”
The ridiculous transformation scene that turns Jason from sack-wearing menace into RoboJock .
On a side note, isn’t that musical score just the pits?
Serleena Men In Black II (2002)
The Villain: Queen of the Kylothians and a shape-shifting seductress, Serleena has the right idea when she lands on Earth and decides to take the shape of a lingerie model.
Shame her plans are dreadful – and her two-headed sidekick (Johnny Knoxville) is too goofy for words.
Crappest Moment: Any time she appears as a big sinewy plant.
This ain’t Day Of The Triffids…
Jack Frost Jack Frost (1996)
The Villain: Ah, we all love a bit of genetic misfortune, don’t we?
When a truck transporting serial killer Jack Frost collides with a genetics vehicle, his body melds with snow and turns him into a horror movie abomination – yes, a murderous snowman.
Crappest Moment: Frost rapes Shannon Elizabeth in the shower.
Horrific in more ways than one.
The Architect The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
The Villain: A white-haired suit who could be Father Christmas if it wasn’t for that sinister glint in his eye.
The Architect (Helmut Bakaitis) is the one responsible for The Matrix, a supposedly super-intelligent being who’s basically God. So why is he so goddamn dull?
Crappest Moment: When Neo (Keanu Reeves) confronts The Architect, he receives a speech like no other.
Which goes on. And on. And on. We wouldn’t have held it against him if Neo blew his own brains out.
General Grievous Star Wars: Episode III Revenge Of The Sith (2005)
The Villain: He can wield four lightsabres simultaneously!
But wait… Despite that, General Grievous is also (generally) really lame. Speaking in a guttural rasp that sounds like a poor man’s Darth Vader, he’s a CGI atrocity with zero personality.
Crappest Moment: Having his arse handed to him by Obi-Wan (Ewan McGregor).
M Bison Street Fighter (1994)
The Villain: An ex-druggie who’s now a corrupt General, M Bison (Raúl Juliá) at least knows enough to think big – he wants $20bn in return for the UN members he’s just kidnapped.
Sadly, Juliá simply didn’t have the presence to pull this off, not least because - sadly - he looks positively ill throughout the entire film.
Crappest Moment: Any. One. Of. These .
Dr Elena Kinder Baby Geniuses (1999)
The Villain: Dr Elena Kinder (Kathleen Turner) has a genius theory – that baby talk is a language all its own and worthy of deciphering.
Why? Because she plans on building a BabyCo theme park. Every scientist’s dream, that.
Crappest Moment: “Youuuu IDIOTS!”
When the babies escape, Kinder loses her rag. As well as any respect we ever had for her. Not that we really ever had any…
Gallian In The Name Of The King (2007)
The Villain: Nasal-flaring, leather-coat-wearing, slick-haired wizard Gallian (Ray Liotta) has taken control of the Krug, creatures that carry out his bidding by mauling and killing, well, everybody.
Just why he’s wearing a black leather coat in this fantasy land is beyond us.
Crappest Moment: Gallian fights Farmer (Jason Statham), then uses books to, er, send him into a spin and then pin him in mid-air .
Wait, what?
Elliot Carver Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
The Villain: He looks like your old science teacher, but Elliot Carver (Jonathan Pryce) is actually a sinister media mogul.
His plan to boost ratings includes kick-starting World War III…
Crappest Moment: Carver’s so impressed with his plan that he goes on and on about it, explaining its intricacies to Bond.
Which gives Bond time to kill him with a sea drill. Ouch.
