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Tyler Durden (Fight Club, 1999)
Friend or foe? Bit of both. He's the alpha-male avatar who rescues Ed Norton's weedy wage-slave from a living slow-death of group therapy and IKEA accessorising.
Who we'd like to introduce him to: A bar full of braying city fat-cats.
His destruction of an entire financial district seemed pretty cool pre-9/11. In these Credit Crunch Times, it would be practically medalworthy.
Typical Facebook status update: 'Tyler is looking how you want to look and fucking how you want to fuck. He would also really appreciate it if you could return the zombie vampires he threw at you last week.'
Fred (Drop Dead Fred, 1991)
Friend or foe? Friend - if a little high maintenance...
Who we'd like to introduce him to: Russell Brand. The pensioner-abusing, overly wordy funnyman is set to star in a Drop Dead Fred remake.
If we couldn't spirit up Fred to go to Russell's house and pick his nose and do farts as a form of discouragement, maybe Rik Mayall himself could calmly explain to the electric shock-haired jester why a remake of a film everyone hated in the first place is a really bad idea.
Typical Facebook status update: 'Fred is tired of being a cipher for a young girl's emotional abuse at the hands of a domineering mother. He's going to spend the evening grinding dogshit into his housemate's bathroom towels.'
Elvis (True Romance, 1993)
Friend or foe? Friend - and mentor. A gold-suited motivational speaker who turbocharges Christian Slater's comic-book geek boy with regular shots of Kingly confidence.
Typical Facebook status update: 'Val Kilmer Elvis is aware of the irony that Val Kilmer now resembles '70s Elvis more than '70s Elvis did.'
Frank (Donnie Darko, 2001)
Friend or foe? Friend, in the sense that he saves Jake Gyllenhaal's mopey Donnie from being squashed by a jet-engine that falls on his house.
Who we'd like to introduce him to: Gordon Brown. So he can calmly explain, in a deep and frightening voice, that he's going to have to call an election - which he'll lose - in 12 months, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds, and it might be a good idea to stand down and let someone who could actually win it to take over as leader.
Typical Facebook status update: 'Frank is pondering the conditions required to create a catastrophic space-time anomaly. He is not eating carrots, hopping, having sex or falling off the edge of a table.'
Tony (The Shining, 1980)
Friend or foe? Foe. Deffo.
Who we'd like to introduce him to: Anyone thinking of remaking an old horror film. It's all about the creeping sense of dread, see? The rumbling terror underneath the surface - and, if necessary, having some blood coming out of the walls.
Typical Facebook status update: 'Tony is contemplating his next Scrabble move. Also, redrum.'
Harvey (Harvey, 1950)
Friend or foe? Friend. He's a "pooka" - a six-foot rabbit who's the best (invisible) buddy of affable, middle-aged fella Elwood (James Stewart).
Who we'd like to introduce him to: Frank, the other imaginary-friend rabbit from Donnie Darko (see earlier). Er, if he was real...
Bad Frank could show Harvey the joys of agitating chaos while slipping between alternate states of reality, while Good Harvey would shamble around affably like a bumbling sidekick. (Think Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off ).
Typical Facebook status update: 'Harvey would like to draw attention to the fact that his film isn't a stupid screwball comedy. It is, in fact, an indictment of attitudes toward mental health and an acute critique of the treatment system. He is not eating lettuce, hopping, having sex or falling off the edge of a table.'
Eric Cantona (Looking For Eric, 2009)
Friend or foe? Friend. The ex-Man Utd enigma/spectator-kicker acts as inspiration/fantasy companion to Steve Evets' depressed postman.
Typical Facebook status update: 'Eric is not a man. He is Cantona. Although, as Wittgenstein stated, a man can be imprisoned in a room with a door that's unlocked and opens inwards - as long as it does not occur to him to pull rather than push.'
