This week sees the release of Beautiful Losers , a documentary following a group of underground artists in the 1990's who created their own movement and changed the face of modern art for the new millenium.
Artists on film are far from a mixed bag - more often than not they are exactly the kind of pretentious, wanky egoists that one conjures up at the mere mention of the phrase 'serious artist'.
Join us then for a look at some of the most irritating artists to grace cinema...
Frederick (Max Von Sydow)
The Film: Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
Why They Are Irritating: A cynical, pessimistic, cruel old fuddy-duddy who may be a brilliant artist but he’s also one unbelievable bore.
Sure his world-view fuels his artistic brilliance, but damn it, cheer up man! You are banging Barbara Hershey!
Typical Quote: “You missed a very dull TV show on Auschwitz. More gruesome film clips, and more puzzled intellectuals declaring their mystification over the systematic murder of millions. The reason they can never answer the question "How could it possibly happen?" is that it's the wrong question. Given what people are, the question is "Why doesn't it happen more often?"”
How We'd Fix It: A prescription of Viagra and our VHS copy of The Entity . Seeing Barbara Hershey get sexed up by an invisible spirit should sort out his dour mood once and for all.
Next: Jackson Pollock [page-break]
Jackson Pollock (Ed Harris)
The Film: Pollock (2000)
Why They Are Irritating: What exactly is the talent here – he’s throwing paint at a canvas. We could do that, hell, we probably have done it, but did anybody revere us as great artistic talents? No.
And aren’t artists ever totally well-adjusted and balanced individuals?
Typical Quote: “If people would just look at the paintings, I don't think they would have any trouble enjoying them. It's like looking at a bed of flowers, you don't tear your hair out over what it means.”
How We'd Fix It: A paint brush, an easel, and a chair. All that bending over the canvas has got to be back-breaking work, a nice sit down, a smaller, more manageable canvas and a proper brush and he'll probably be just as shit as our 'Bowl of Fruit' efforts.
Next: Frida Kahlo [page-break]
Frida Kahlo (Salma Hayek)
The Film: Frida (2002)
Why They Are Irritating: Salma Hayek is probably one of the most attractive women ever to grace the silver screen. We have loved her, idolized her, bought tickets for everything she’s ever been in, and how does she repay us?
A unibrow. Ugh. We’re still shuddering. Sure the performance was great, but unlike other beautiful leading ladies who went fugly, like Charlize Theron, you can still tell it’s Salma, just with some hair stuck between her brows. Bad.
Typical Quote: “They say never trust a limping dog or the tears of a woman.”
How We'd Fix It: Veet. Some hair removal cream and this film would be perfect. Nothing worse than a lesbian scene involving hairy lesbians, unless you are a hairy lesbian. Each to their own, eh?
Next: Todd Cleary [page-break]
Todd Cleary (Keir O'Donnell)
The Film: Wedding Crashers (2005)
Why They Are Irritating: He seemed fairly amusing the first time around, but on repeat viewing, Todd grates like sandpaper to the nether regions.
Quite frankly, Todd just creeps us out, to the point where we stop enjoying the film. The level of discomfort has grown to the extent that Todd is just plain irritating.
Typical Quote: “I made you a painting. I call it "Celebration." It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.”
How We'd Fix It: A key for that closet door. The sooner he comes out, the sooner his ultimately creepy and disturbing character will fade to be replaced by his fashionably fabulous and happily homosexual self.
Next: Adolf Hitler [page-break]
Adolf Hitler (Noah Taylor)
The Film: Max (2002)
Why They Are Irritating: Whiney, nervous, angry, and short-tempered little man who hasn’t got the patience to be a truly great artist.
Apparently, he decided it would be easier to try and wipe out an entire race of people rather than work on his craft.
Typical Quote: “Politics is the new art!”
How We'd Fix It: A few kind words. A bit more "Hey, Hitler, you're the man" might have saved millions.
Next: David Wark [page-break]
David Wark (Hoyt Taylor)
The Film: Junebug (2005)
Why They Are Irritating: Child-like painter David Wark does what amounts to stick figure re-enactments of historic battles, and he gets a New York gallery flying to his remote neck of the woods to sign him up.
We doodle on pads of paper all the time, and not one inkling of interest from any of the major dealers. The art world is a cruel mistress indeed.
Typical Quote: He mostly talks nonsense.
How We'd Fix It: Embeth Davidtz would be dispatched to the totalfilm.com office and snap up our fine biro doodles, putting us on the road to instant artistic stardom.
Next: Marvin Bushmiller [page-break]
Marvin Bushmiller (Adam Scott)
The Film: Art School Confidential (2006)
Why They Are Irritating: This guy makes every other cinematic douche in the history of cinematic douchebaggery look like a tolerable dinner party guestlist.
His smug sense of self-satisfaction, his glib and scathing put downs, the lacquered on layers of pretentiousness… need we say more?
Typical Quote: "That's such a stupid question."
How We'd Fix It: The second act of the film would just be replaced by a very large biker type punching the man constantly in the face, until his frankly offensive expression was reduced to a bloody shapeless pulp.
Go on, be sarky about that, git.
Any movie artists that get your Goya? Leave us a commentino...
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