Movie Turkeys - Cast Away (2000)
Bloke gets washed up on desert island. That’s pretty much it.
Idea Meeting: “Okay guys, you’re going to love this. We’re going to get Tom Hanks to put on loads of weight, stick him on a desert island, tell him to take his top off and shoot him getting skinnier and skinnier.
Oh, and there are no girls on the island. But there will be product placement, don’t worry. We’ll just get stuff to wash ashore or whatever. We haven’t thought that part through, we’ll think of something better before we start shooting.
One more thing – Hanks will talk to a volleyball because he’s developed a personality disorder. This thing will make $424,000,000 easily.
Startling Fact: Cast Away made more than American Pie and The Bourne Identity combined.
Movie Turkeys - Hancock (2008)
Rubbish superhero gets PR makeover.
Idea Meeting: “We’re going to take a superhero and turn him into a drunk abusive hobo who hits kids and kills whales. Then we’re going to make $623,546,274.”
Startling Fact : After being unsuccessful in their mission to put people off seeing Hancock at the cinema, someone approved a DVD cover packed with third-act spoilers. Also, Hancock made more than Iron Man. Iron Man .
Movie Turkeys - Alvin And The Chipmunks (2007)
Three chipmunks can sing.
Idea Meeting: “Think of a preposterously annoying cartoon, starring colour co-ordinated rodents that can sing in tinny high-pitched voices.
So, what have you got? Alvin And The Chipmunks? Bang on. The fact that that’s the first ‘toon you thought of means it’s a property with excellent brand awareness.
So we’re going to update the concept of rodent singers by putting one of them in a hoodie and through that change alone, we're going to make $357,526,336.”
Startling fact: Alvin And The Chipmunks had a bigger box office than Batman Begins. That means more people went into The Dark Knight knowing the lyrics to ‘The Chipmunk Song’ than knowing why Morgan Freeman was hanging out with Batman.
Movie Turkeys - Live Free Or Die Hard (2007)
The non-violent Die Hard movie.
Idea Meeting: “We’re going to make a film about an ageing action star fighting a gang of rogue computer hackers, despite the fact that it’s not 1983.
Oh, and did I forget to mention that it’s going to be the first Die Hard movie without a white vest, swearing and hair on John McClane’s head? Clear enough space in your bank account for $377,520,804.”
Startling fact: Live Free Or Die Hard is the most successful Die Hard ever made. It hurt us to type that.
Movie Turkeys - Home Alone (1990)
Kid versus criminals at Christmas.
Idea Meeting: “Picture the scene. A little kid gets abandoned by his entire family at Christmas.
Bleak, right? Then how about this – the kid’s house gets invaded by burglars, and they spend the majority of the film trying to kill him.
Not dark enough for you? I forgot to mention that the kid fights back and tortures the child killers in increasingly violent ways. We’re targeting the family market. We’ll make $533,800,000.”
Startling fact: Home Alone is 19 places higher than The Matrix in the worldwide box office chart.
Movie Turkeys - Mamma Mia! (2008)
Musical comprised entirely from Abba songs.
Idea Meeting: “Film audiences are ready to hear Pierce Brosnan sing. And do you know what? We think they’ll be prepared to pay $566,404,210 for the privilege.”
Startling fact: Mamma Mia! is the highest grossing British film of all time in the UK, besting Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone in October 2008.
Movie Turkeys - Titanic (1998)
Big boat sinks.
Idea Meeting: “We’re going ask the director of Piranha II to make another boat movie, only this time, everyone knows the ending. And, just so you know, we’re going to make more than a billion dollars.”
Startling fact: Titanic was the first movie to have a budget of $200,000,000. A romantic tragedy directed by the man behind Terminator. $200,000,000.
