Get off my lawn!
Its a long time since 1991. The Internet is an all-dominating thing, everyone owns a mobile phone, and a skinny-mocha-double-decaf-latte-with-chips is widely available on every street corner of every city ever. Probably. Thing is, while he was King of Games in 1991, Sonic the Hedgehog has struggled to adapt to modern life. Hes the gaming equivalent of the old man who lives three doors down, shaking his cane at the local kids, and telling them not to roll their scooterboards near his bins.
As we all know, curmudgeonly old people love to complain about things. Usually in the form of letters. So, Ive imagined the stuff Sonic might complain about, as a brain-addled old mascot, slowly going insane as he tries to make sense high-definition, sat-nav, and twerking. Heres a snapshot of his last few weeks
The jewellery shenanigans
Dear sir
I am writing to complain about my recent purchase from your Green Hill store. While I am happy with the 100 gold rings I bought (and Im pleased to tell you that I managed to get all of them home without incident this week. Last week I bumped into someone on the way home and lost a large percentage of them), I am yet to receive the extra life, which was promised to me as part of your current in-store promotion.
Further more, I noticed that--when I arrived home--there was no trans-dimensional portal to jump through. I span the sign outside my house as usual, but was unable to transport myself to another realm. I find this most disturbing. When I purchased a number of your rings back in 1991, I was granted free access to the Chaos realm. Is this a service you no longer provide? If so, I may have to consider buying my jewellery from a different retailer. I await your response.
Yours concerned
S. The Hedgehog
The TV incident
Dear Sir
Im writing to complain about my recent purchase from your Spring Yard store. I bought one of your televisions, and installed it in my living room. I went to a significant amount of trouble to find one with a fuzzy picture, and an old, square screen. Last week, I saw a commercial for a pair of red shoes. Naturally, I took this as my cue to headbutt my television set to pieces.
Not only did this cause severe cranial bleeding (thankfully, my neighbour was kind enough to drive me to the hospital in his Hyundai after I waited 5 hours for a flying fox to turn up), but--to add insult to injury--I am yet to receive my free pair of shoes. Are they lost in the mail? Or have you discontinued this service, which I relied upon so heavily in the 90s? I anxiously await your response.
Yours,
S. The Hedgehog
The shoe fiasco
Dear Sir
Im writing to complain about my recent purchase from your Marble Zone store. After a recent fiasco involving the television company you partner with, I was forced to purchase a pair of your red sneakers from a shop. They are from your Michael Jackson signature range. It took a significant amount of effort to track these shoes down, as they were barely in fashion during the 90s, when I acquired my first pair.
However, despite the inconvenience I was happy to have purchased them. Upon returning home I put the shoes on my feet and found that I was unable to run any faster than normal. In fact, the pointy ends slowed me down, and the stiff leather has given me a blister on my left heel. This is most unsatisfactory. When I last purchased these shoes in 1991, they doubled my running speed: now they just make me look like an aging rockstar, which is not a look I wish to cultivate. I shall be returning these shoes forthwith, and I expect a full refund or a new television.
Yours angrily,
S. The Hedgehog
The rabbit debacle
Dear Sir
Im writing to complain about my recent treatment by the staff in your Scrap Brain store. Upon visiting your shop, I was pleased to see that you had an excellent array of robots (although the fact that youre marketing these death-machines to children shows a distinct lack of moral fibre). I purchased one that resembled a rabbit, and immediately smashed it to pieces hoping to liberate the bunny that was trapped inside.
Much to my annoyance (and the horror of my fellow shoppers) I discovered that the rabbit had already escaped from inside the robot. Incensed, I began to smash all the other robots in your store, and was able to destroy six more before security escorted me out. There wasnt a SINGLE animal contained inside any of your robots. No wonder the children in your store were crying as I broke them open. I shall be writing to your regulators forthwith as standards are clearly slipping.
Yours,
S. The Hedgehog
The hot tub catastrophe
Dear Sir
Im writing to complain about my recent purchase from your Starlight Zone store. I have had a difficult past few weeks, and have been struggling to adapt to the modern way of life. Feeling the need to relax, I bought one of your hot tubs from something called the Internet, and had it installed in my house.
I assumed that--because it has plenty of air-bubbles rising from the floor--I would be able to breathe perfectly fine while underwater. This was not the case. My friend Knuckles--who I was sharing the hot tub with--had to give me CPR after only 30 seconds, as I was unable to catch the air-bubbles in my mouth. None of this would have been a concern if I had received the extra life that I am still owed following my purchase of rings from the local jewellers. I find this situation very distressing and I demand a refund on my hot tub immediately.
Yours,
S. The Hedgehog
The dreadful wait
Dear Sir,
Im writing to complain about your service. As a pizza takeaway establishment, Im aware that you pride yourself on the speed of your delivery. Your marketing material states that if I wait longer than 10 minutes for your food, then I do not pay for it. This is convenient for myself, as I have an unfortunate affliction that causes me to die if I wait in the same place for 10 minutes.
Last night, your pizza delivery was three minutes late--making 13 minutes in total for delivery. This would have been disastrous for me had my extra life from the jewellers not arrived in the post that very morning. I have now squandered my extra life after only possessing it for a painfully short time. I demand a refund for my pizza, and that you change your marketing materials immediately, as you are clearly unable to fulfil the promises you make to your customers.
Yours defiantly,
S. The Hedgehog
The inevitable crime
Dear Go Compare
I wish to offer my most sincere apologies for lacerating your company spokesperson last week. I have nothing to say in my defence, other than that I thought he was someone else. I appreciate your leniency in this matter, and the fact that neither yourselves or the gentleman in question have decided to take this case to court.
I further agree to pay for all damages caused when I headbutted his car. To raise the money, I have decided to sell off my substantial ring collection, and one pair of red shoes, which I have barely worn.
Yours apologetically,
S. The Hedgehog
No complaints
Those damn kids, eh? With their PlayBoxes, and their Interwebs, and their twerking. In my day all this was fields. Bah, the youth of today don't realise how lucky they are. Want to leave a comment? Write me a letter. No-one writes letters anymore. It's all email, and instant messaging, and twerking. I need a nap.
Want more features? Bah, in my day we didn't even have shoes! Have a look at 10 Secrets Make Street Fighter 2 So Damn Special. And while you're at it here's one about How Video Game Characters Have Changed Over 20 Years. Not that you deserve them, with your mobile phones, and your iPads, and your twerking.
