You can't wipe these away...
Usually, Xbox Achievements and PlayStation Trophies require a great deal of strain and effort. You'll push and push towards your goal, and finally feel a great sense of relief once all of that work is out of your system. Other times, they deal with poop.
The following Achievements and Trophies may not be your all-time favorites--most don't reward truly grueling acts of gaming aptitude, nor are they the kind that come alongside an accomplishment like finishing a game. But while they might not be the ones you remember or strive for, they could be a close number two!
Flushed (Half Life 2: The Orange Box)
Kill an enemy with a toilet.
It took nearly two years for a poop-themed Achievement to accompany an Xbox 360 release, and even then, developers were only dipping their toes into human waste. On one hand, the volume of poop we're dealing with here is debatable. In a dystopian world under oppressive rule you're taken to task by cops for not throwing out a soda can. You have to think the punishment for forgoing flushing is something like the death penalty.
Still, even though it's the future, you have to assume that plumbing technology is still far from perfect. Therefore, when Gordon Freeman uses his Gravity Gun to pick up and toss a toilet during Half Life 2, it's safe to assume that trace amounts of poop are involved with this Achievement--at the very least.
Splatster Chief (Saints Row 2)
Complete all levels of Septic Avenger
After the developer's relatively straight-laced first offering, it doesn't take long into your Saints Row 2 playthrough to determine that Volition went off the deep end, headfirst into a pool of dookie. The first time you play a "Septic Avenger" activity in this wacky follow-up, using a sewage truck to spray unwitting citizens with human waste, you'll realize there's nothing sacred in this sequel.
If you want to unlock "Splatster Chief" (something tells me Master Chief didn't green light this one), you'll have to dedicate yourself to the practice, completing a half-dozen Septic Avenger side-missions. That's plenty of people and buildings you'll cover with sewage.
Mystic Transport (DeathSpank: Thongs of Virtue)
Discover all 44 Teleporting Outhouses
As is made perfectly clear with a title that references both skimpy underwear and slapped butts in the course of four words, DeathSpank: Thongs of Virtue isn't above making a few poop jokes. In fact, the entire concept of fast travel is based on using outhouses, which, ironically, are rarely connected with any form of plumbing.
If you manage to find all of all of DeathSpank's Teleporting Outhouses, you'll be given the "Mystic Transport" Achievement which has to be the fanciest name of a reward associated with outdoor toilets. We won't even begin to ruminate on how the game's titular character uses these vile locales to zip about the environment.
Turd Burglar (Duke Nukem Forever)
Find and steal a piece of poo
After 15 long years of anticipation, hype, and delays, countless fans expected Duke Nukem Forever to bust out of the gates with crazy action. Instead, they led with a poop joke. Well, actually, the very first thing you do is use a urinal, but the first possible Achievement you can unlock involves grabbing a turd from a nearby toilet.
Once you have a hand on the human waste, the Achievement is all yours, though you can follow that reward up with some turd tossing and quips from the Duke about the dookie. Boy, isn't it great that this game finally came out?
Smell Something Burning (Hotline Miami)
Kill the crapping gangster with a fire axe.
Despite being a sprite-based top-down shooter, Hotline Miami still managed to be outrageously violent. In a game where you can bludgeon baddies to death with multiple baseball bat strikes to the cranium, it can be tough to keep up the shock value. Fortunately, Hotline Miami keeps the insanity at a high level for hours, and the "Smell Something Burning" Trophy is one example of how.
During Hotline Miami's sixth chapter, you'll come across one enemy who remains perched on the porcelain throne as you kill other surrounding guards. While it would be disgusting enough to kick the door down and shoot the sap where he sits, this trophy requires you find the fire axe on the same floor and hack the dude to death while he's on the toilet. While it doesn't factor into the Trophy, wearing a pig mask while doing this is highly recommended to enhance the depravity.
Poop Master (Zoo Tycoon)
Clear up 1,000 pieces of poop.
Websters defines "tycoon" as "a very wealthy and powerful business person." Therefore, you'd assume that a tycoon in the zoo industry would oversee a large empire or franchise of captive animal landmarks. However, Microsoft's idea of a tycoon is one who dotes on every detail of a zoo, down to picking up animal crap.
Lest you have your zoo overrun with animal waste, you need to be devoted to cleaning out the crap in Zoo Tycoon. If you manage to hit quadruple digits in poop pickup, you'll be given the title of Poop Master. Which is almost as good as a tycoon, when you think about it. Everybody poops, right? So you're the master of part of everyone. Congrats!
Irritable Bowels (South Park: The Stick of Truth)
Shit your pants during a boss battle.
When you see "Shit your pants during a boss battle," you might think of a game like Dark Souls, but that's actually not the case this time around. With developers showing some relative restraint during the first nine years of Achievements, Obsidian let loose with a torrent of crap-related congratulatory messages throughout South Park: The Stick of Truth. In addition to the nine fart-themed Achievements, there are three additional ones dedicated to number two.
Of that trio, the one that's the most memorable is "Irritable Bowels," which awards you for overloading your mana during an all-important boss battle. While other games were too tame to tell you what happens when you exceed the limit for magic points, The Stick of Truth is up-front about it: you will poop your pants.
The Runs (Super Time Force)
Complete a... clean... run of any level using only Squirty Harry
While South Park celebrates its quantity of crap-related meta-rewards, Super Time Force focuses on quality. Here, Capybara Games has (arguably) created the most poop-focused Achievement of all time.
Even amongst the weirdos of Super Time Force (which include a skateboarding dinosaur and fat Jedi dude), Squirty Harry stands out the most. He is a giant living turd who can kill enemies with his farts. If you can complete a level using Squirty Harry alone, you'll be rewarded for it with an Achievement called "The Runs", which is truly the zenith of poop Achievements. We tip our plungers to Capybara for this great accomplishment. They truly are number one at celebrating number two.
Aw crap...
We've emptied our bodies of all our poop-related Achievement and Trophy knowledge, but it's possible there could be an outlier dangling on the list of someone else's in-game accomplishments. If you know of one, drop it in the comments below!
Looking for more potty humor in video games? Check out The weirdest things we've ever found in video game toilets and Gaming's most important farty butts.
