8 baffling tales from the opening hours of Kingdom Come: Deliverance that prove you can even f*ck up the tutorial

Fact: Kingdom Come: Deliverance is unlike any other RPG around at the moment. You can’t save without a bottle of the rare Saviour Schnapps in your pocket, dressing in black with a hood is a must if you want to sneak properly, and don’t even try to throw together a potion without paying close attention to the number of times you pump the bellows (or the order you put ingredients in). Thanks to the mountains of Steam reviews (12,132 and counting) you can see just what that learning curve looks like. To save you all some time (and RSI from scrolling your mouse wheel to get to the good ones), I’ve rounded up the most bizarre tales I could find. Who knew that ye olden days were prime fodder for goofing around?

Goodbye hand-holding tutorials...

on my first quest i was told to get some tools back from the town drunk.

i broke into his house to try to steal them back, but the chest was locked.

i tried to find the guy who sells lockpicks but gave up on that and decided to try a different way.

i went back and just started punching the man, and was forced to run for my life after realizing he has the hands [sic].

i went to some woman’s home and knocked her unconscious and stole her onions, then sold the onions to buy charcoal for my father.

i then used the rest of the gold to go to the tavern and get drunk, thinking that it would up my speech enough to convince my fellow drunk to give the tools back.

i did not take into account that people do not want to talk after you punch them, and he quickly ran to a guard and i was thrown into jail.

i then burned to death in jail and had to restart.

this was the tutorial.

- junie b jones

Tutorial? What tutorial?

I spent two hours ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ about, getting drunk, throwing manure at homes, punching random civilians, stealing and eating everything in the village, beat the hell out of the same dude over and over, stealing his clothes, dressing up like him and beating him up in his sleep and punching horses all while entirely ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Eventually the guards captured me and threw me in jail where the village got burned down and the game ended.

- Sanny

The emotional rollercoaster

Spoiler mate:
I fight a priest in the church.
I beat the priest.
The priest and I go drinking.
We get drunk.
We have a night of debauchery.
The priest and I get lucky with two girls in the same barn.
We wake up drunk and go to church.
I give a sermon while drunk.
The town agrees with what I say.
The priest and I are now friends.

- Neb

Outsmarted by rabbits

I fast traveled to Rattay to go hunting with Lord Capon, got one hit killed by a jealous guard, had to restart the whole mission over again, spent 15 minutes of following the Lord with no horse, spent the next 30 minutes hunting one rabbit that broke half of my arrows, just had to settle with eating rotten cheese.

15th century times were tough.

- Dusk

Huntin’, fightin’, drinkin’

I needed money for a new sword to kill some bandits so I hunt some deer. I got 135 meat and sold them to various shops totalling 1000 coins.
I bought my sword and set of for the bandit. I managed to kill him with only a little life left, to reward myself I stole his chainmail and got it all fixed.

I also bought some fancy clothes and went down to the pub to get drunk as a reward. I won at dice completely smashed and rode my horse home, falling off multiple times, before I passed out. I got home and slept, when I woke up my hangover was terrible. After that I went to my PC and played the game, let's see what it has to offer!

- tGodb

Your everyday RPG psychopath

I stopped to investigate a dead deer on the trail and there was little left of it. A guy comes up behind me and accuses me of poaching, I deny it and accuse him. This really throws the man into a fury, and threatens to tell the law in the next town over. He darts off, and fast. I run after him, yelling that I cannot afford another fine, but he didn't listen... So one slash to the back with my pages sword and he's down on his knees. Another stab through his back and before I could check his coat for gold, a man is screaming way down the trail, calling for help. I throw all my clothes off, and dart towards the him. He’s still screaming for help, now realizes the maniac who he saw just murder a man in cold blood is rushing towards him. I am 60 pounds lighter, and catching up easily. The poor guy got to the outskirts of town before I tackled him from the back, and dragged him to the river bank. Out of the sight from village dwellers his blood ran down the river and as far as anybody knew, nothing happened. I didn’t even poach the deer, this whole thing was completely avoidable.

- Destroy Cumins

Always follow the torch law

-Am sitting AFK in town at night while I eat my sandwich IRL.
-Guard comes up "You there! Don’t tell me you don’t know about the torch law!??"
-FML I don’t know about any torch law.
-Make break for it
-Despite being town guard, fellow guardsman runs me down
-Guardsman demands my surrender
-♥♥♥♥No.JPG
-Guardsman laughs "Should’ve followed the torch law.."
-Get stabbed to death by spear.
-MFW guards actually enforce laws

10/10 would forget my torch again.

- Taketheshot56

*Sheds single tear*

1st person game that you can see your legs in.

- Lockheed

Want to step into a world as big as Kingdom Come: Deliverance? Here are the best open world games around right now.

Zoe Delahunty-Light

While here at GamesRadar, Zoe was a features writer and video presenter for us. She's since flown the coop and gone on to work at Eurogamer where she's a video producer, and also runs her own Twitch and YouTube channels. She specialises in huge open-world games, true crime, and lore deep-dives. 

Latest in RPG
Atomfall screenshot
Fallout: New Vegas is a big inspiration for Atomfall, which is why you’ll be able to kill every NPC in post-apocalyptic Cumbria
Assassin's Creed Shadows cinematic screenshot
Assassin's Creed Shadows' transmog looks set to combine the best of Odyssey and Vahalla to make changing my drip easier than ever
Stardew Valley Baldur's Gate 3 mod Baldur's Village
Baldur's Gate 3 director Swen Vincke gives his official approval to the Stardew Valley mod that brings the D&D RPG to Pelican Town
The Witcher 3 lead says "not many games" were trying to match the RPG back in 2015, and that meant "there was a risk" to making it in the first place
The Blood of Dawnwalker
The Witcher 3 dev says his new vampire RPG Blood of Dawnwalker wants to challenge genre conventions, but only if "we're changing them to actually achieve some goal"
The Blood of Dawnwalker: A screenshot of the vampire Brencis holding up a crown during the trailer for the upcoming game.
The Witcher 3 devs created a Jekyll & Hyde-style character for their new vampire RPG "because nobody yet has done that"
Latest in Features
A woman in a underwater machine waving during the cinematic teaser for Subnautica 2.
Subnautica 2: Everything we know about the new underwater survival game
The AMD Ryzen 7 8700G being held above a motherboard by a reviewer
AMD's pro-consumer 9070 strategies are exactly why it's primed to dominate the CPU market in 2025
Assassin's Creed Shadows cinematic screenshot
Assassin's Creed Shadows' transmog looks set to combine the best of Odyssey and Vahalla to make changing my drip easier than ever
Split Fiction screenshot of Zoe and Mio in a fantasy world
Split Fiction feels like a Mass Effect-meets-Fable platformer and I'm obsessed with it after just one hour
Monster Hunter Wilds characters share a meal
Oh no, Monster Hunter Wilds is so good that I'm already counting the days until its inevitable Master Rank expansion
Kai and Giatta battle Xaurip in Avowed
I get why Obsidian doesn't like The Elder Scrolls comparisons, but Avowed is the first RPG to have its hooks in me this deep since Skyrim took over my life 14 years ago