Failing to rescue anyone in: Dino Crisis 2
The mission
An entire city is transported back in time to the Cretaceous period while fiddling about with some sort of scientific energy voodoo. Our heroes Regina and Dylan do a DeLorean and travel back to rescue the researchers of the city, before they become too familiar with the period’s overly familiar lizards.
Where it goes wrong
The game’s leads spending most of their time solving absurd door puzzles in abandoned research facilities, instead of, y’know, protecting people from dinosaurs. It’s no surprise then, when they actually get to Edward City, the entire place and all its inhabitants have already been served up as part of a grizzly Prehistoric buffet.
How the day could have been saved
Note to self: ‘Must not spend hours looking for keycards when there are people trying to avoid becoming dino lunch.’ If Dylan and Regina had just listened to this advice, then perhaps they could have arrived in Edward City before the entire town relocated to loads of Raptors’ stomachs.
Failing to rescue anyone in: Earthworm Jim
The mission
Our mud-munching pal overhears a despicable plot by Queen Pulsating, Bloated, Festering, Sweaty, Pus-filled, Malformed, Slug-for-a-Butt where she alludes to kidnapping her sister Princess What’s-Her-Name. Jim then travels to a series of planets, which all handily take the form of infuriatingly hard 16-bit platform levels, to rescue the mysterious maiden.
Where it goes wrong
During the game’s first level, Jim innocently launches a cow into space.
Above: What goes up...
Despite the bovine butchery, the super-powered worm continues on, eventually defeating Queen ‘there’s no way in hell we’re typing that again’. He’s then reunited with the princess and all looks right with the world. Well, until a certain cow comes crashing back to Earth, squashing our hero’s love interest, before dropping into a pool of lava with the damsel still beneath its hooves.
How the day could have been saved
Tough one. But we’ll say not launching 500lbs of unprocessed beef into the air would have been a good start. The campaign for fair and equitable treatment for video game cows starts here.
Above: ...must eventually break every bone in your hostage's body
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