9 Misheard Director's Cuts

Ronnie Barker's Hellraiser

The Film: In an S&M version of his classic sketch about the British Class system, Barker joins up with John Cleese and Ronnie Corbet.

Dressed in moderate bondage regalia, he stands sandwiched between Cleese, who wears an executioner's garb, and Corbett, in a full Gimp bodysuit complete with breathing straw.

Quote: “I look down on him, because he is a lowly gimp, but I look up to him, because he has a very big whip.”

Wait A Minute… Wasn’t It? Clive Barker.

Lily Allen's Annie Hall

The Film: Fed up of London boys, whom she so regularly lambasts in her song writing, Lily Allen heads to New York, where she meets and falls in love with the adorably ditsy Annie Hall.

Tracing the relationship from its early days to its eventual breakdown, Allen lets her trademark razor tongue loose in describing exactly what went wrong in the relationship, and how none of it was her fault.

Quote: “That sex was the most fun I've ever had without laughing.”

Wait A Minute… Wasn’t It? Woody Allen

Michael Jackson's King Kong

The Film: Michael Jackson’s lovable chimp Bubbles has been hidden from the public for a number of years - this is why.

After accidentally getting his fill of a bottle of experimental pharmaceuticals, cute ‘lil Bubbles has become something slightly… bigger. Sent to live on a remote island, Jacko must dance his way to the rescue when a young woman becomes the object of Bubbles affections.

Quote: ‘Twasn’t the fall that killed the beast, ‘twas a lethal cocktail of prescription medication.”

Wait A Minute… Wasn’t It? Peter Jackson

Susan Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire

The Film: Lowly middle-aged carer Susan Boyle dreams of breaking out of her humdrum existence for a career in showbiz and a place in the limelight in this made for TV biopic.

Boyle plays herself, flashing between the various rounds of a TV talent show, to the events that made her who she is, and finally, to worldwide fame and a £100 make-over.

Quote: “I live by myself with my cat, Pebbles.”

Wait A Minute… Wasn’t It? Danny Boyle

John Craven's Scream

The Film: When he’s axed from Newsround, John Craven heads way off the rails and sets out to kill teens everywhere, blaming them for not tuning in as the reason for his dismissal.

Phoning unwitting teens on their prepaid mobiles, Craven engages them in a Q and A about the days most newsworthy events, and makes them pay for not knowing the answers with their lives…

Quote: “Do you like Newsround?”

Wait A Minute… Wasn’t It? Wes Craven

Karen Carpenter's Escape From New York

The Film: Richard Carpenter has become trapped by a crowd of folk-hungry hippies at a festival in New York, and there’s only one woman for the job; his sister Karen.

Dropped in to the overly friendly and free-loving festival, Karen has only 24 hours to find her brother, before they are due to play a folk festival in Massachusetts.

Quote: “Call me Snake.”

Wait A Minute… Wasn’t It? John Carpenter

Naomi Campbell's GoldenEye

The Film: Naomi Campbell must save the world when the housekeeper she hit in the eye with a Blackberry returns from the optometrist with a top secret GoldenEye, a weapon that could kill dozens.

Teaming up with former PA Georgina Galanis, whom she also assaulted, Campbell must find a way to quell the anger before it destroys her… and the world.

Quote: “Anger is a manifestation of a deeper issue, and that, for me, is based on insecurity, self-esteem and loneliness.”

Wait A Minute… Wasn’t It? Martin Campbell

David Cameron's Avatar

The Film: Desperate to win the next election, Cameron and his Conservatives have poured billions of their own finances into creating genetically modified super-voters, who will lead them to power.

Unleashing project Avatar out into constituencies across the nation, Cameron doesn’t factor the blue skinned creatures becoming sentient and realising he talks absolute bollocks…

Quote: “People can see that the modern compassionate Conservative Party is in it for everybody - not just the rich.”

Wait A Minute… Wasn’t It? James Cameron

Matt Lucas' Star Wars

The Film: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… Matt Lucas stages a one-man space opera detailing the fight for homosexual equality.

Matt directs, plays every part in a variety of ill-fitting costumes, writes the theme tune, and sings the theme tune.

Quote: "I'm a convert to the gay scene. I went to a party and met a very nice man who took me under his wing and started taking me out to clubs. It was a revelation."

Wait A Minute… Wasn’t It? George Lucas