A baker's dozen of gaming's hungriest bastards

Lagiacrus (Monster Hunter Tri)

Lagiacrus is truly a carnivore that knows how to get down. No frills, limited thrills, just a quick snap of the jaws and this giant beast is chowing down on herbivores the size of semis (and if you’re not careful, your character). Possibly the biggest Hungry Bastard on our list, Lagiacrus is also one of the most admirable. He doesn’t have time to worry about counting calories or being a role-model, his only concern is getting you and your friends into his belly RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. Also, that chieftain and his son look tasty. And that giant, dinosaur-looking thing swimming in the water, what is that? He’ll eat that. And those scurrying little guys, they look good. And, well, anything else that squirms a little and is made of some kind of meat. If it fits in his mouth – and everything does – it’s food.

Above: Hell, he could probably eat everyone else on this list

T-Rex (Carnivores 2)

One of history’s Hungriest Bastards of all time, the T-Rex is unquestionably a legend amongst carnivores. Appropriately enough, the fine people at Action Forms games made the vicious “Tyrant King Lizard” the top dog of their 1999 dino-hunting sim, Carnivores 2, and upped the ante by making it impossible to kill a T-Rex except by shooting it in the eye. Further proof that the best way to protect yourself from lethal, high velocity projectiles is to eat everything in sight.

Above: We’d make a joke here but we don’t want to upset them

Pac-Man (Pac-Man)

The original glutton. It’s not easy being a disembodied head trapped in a neon maze, hunted down claustrophobic corridors by angry ghosts who desperately want a bite of your sweet, sweet yellow cranium. And sure, all those little rabbit pellets get a little bland, with only the occasional bite of juicy, tantalizing fruit to temporarily stave off thoughts of a warbly-sounding suicide. But our boy Paccy, he craves something a little more…metaphysical. One bite of a delicious power pellet, those supernatural nuggets like PCP crossed with holy water, is all he needs to get his ghost-chompin’ on. Riding high on a pellet frenzy, a piece of Blinky’s spectral ass wriggling inside him, and suddenly Pac-Man’s maze doesn’t seem so dark anymore.

Above: Pac-Man. Perpetually running embodiment of fear, or vicious, drug-guzzling scourge of ghost world?

The Intruder (Feeding Frenzy 2)

A real king of gourmands, The Intruder was so hungry to devour things that he left his home planet to come feast on ours. In a game called Feeding Frenzy, you’ve got to be one starving monster to reign, and the mysterious Intruder lives up to the hype. Between wolfing down schools of angel fish and giant tiger sharks in a single bite, The Intruder’s hunger is so rampant it upsets entire ecosystems and causes an epic underwater natural disaster.

Above: Not shown - devastated, foodless home world

Princess (Fat Princess)

The Princess earns props by getting other people to stuff her expansive belly. Truly an innovator on the gluttony circuit, the Princess avoids all the tedium and calorie-burning effort of actually acquiring food herself by getting others to find it for her and then shovel it in the general direction of her face. While little men scramble around shooting arrows at and sticking swords into each other, she lazes and noshes happily, her worst fear that she may be carried off by some handsome gentleman to a place where the men plowing cake into her mouth will wear clothes of a different color. Well managed, Highness.

Above: Fire the cake at the hole above the Royal cleavage and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

Boomer (Left 4 Dead, L4D 2)

This little cutie is so hungry he’s willing to make the zombie version of the ultimate sacrifice: vomiting up delicious bile and chunks of tasty human meat to free up room for more fresh flesh. Pop a couple of rounds into him and his ravening desire to glut himself is revealed by way of his stuffed body exploding in a delightful shower of gore and blood. We all know zombies love a good snack of ripe human, but the Boomer goes above and beyond to preserve that charming physique. We salute you, you beautiful, bloated sac of pustulant anti-heroism.

Above: It’s not easy being perfect

Cerberus (Dante's Inferno)

Sure, eating food (and by food we mean people) on Earth is alright, but imagine how much more delectable and satisfying it would be to eat every person that ever lived for the rest of eternity?

Cerberus answers that question in style, ruling over the Gluttony circle of hell in Dante’s Inferno. Not only does he get to feast on every sinful human ever, he gets to do it with class, as a giant worm with tons of mouths and more teeth than everyone else on this list combined.

Above: Somewhere, a dentist just looked at this image and felt something twitch. Down there

Feb 2, 2011

Gaming's fittest fatties
Fighting fit fat characters and their impossible bypass-baiting moves

The most delicious collection of game cakes you've ever seen
Gorge your eyes fat on our yummy gallery of oven-baked gaming treats

Does Wii Fit work?
Real life yoga instructor weighs in on Nintendo's next big fad