An evening with Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll is in a difficult position. As far as gamers go, he's probably the most universally hated person in the world bar Jack Thompson. But the irony is that most Boll-haters hate him so much that they refuse to watch any of his films. Any of them. So we have forums full of gamers who hate Boll because everyone else hates Boll, and because that automatically makes Boll's work worthless, it doesn't get seen. And because it doesn't get seen, Boll never gets a chance to change people's minds.

We decided to put that right this week. Four brave cinematic adventurers from the GamesRadar team (Ben,David,JamesandJustin) picked up Boll's first three videogame movies (House Of The Dead, Bloodrayne and Alone In The Dark) and made an attempt to watch all of them in one night. How did we fare? Read on. Over the next six pages you'll find a brutal and frank, minute-by-minuteaccount of our experiences and discussion.

House Of The Dead (2003)

Synopsis: A bunch of teens ‘played’ by actors in their twenties go to a rave on Isla Del Muerte (James: Yeah, let’s all have a rave on Death Island. Sex, Drugs And Beer Island is next door, but I hear Death Island is a whole lot better). They find the rave destroyed, get attacked by both zombies and terrible film-making, and spend the duration of the movie battling to the death with an abysmal script and their own lack of acting ability.

The Movie

Really cheap-sounding techno thumps inanely over a black screen as the early titles roll. When the words “House Of The Dead” disappear, we’re greeted with an overly gravelly voice-over from a guy desperately trying to look like Ash from The Evil Dead. Except that he’s not Bruce Campbell. And we can already tell that he’s crap.

Oblivious to his own terminally poop-laden nature he continues to stare into middle-distance in a dead-eyed hung-over haze and recounts lazy exposition.

Crap Ash: It was a nightmare. So many dead people. So many victims. It all started a few days ago when I came here for a rave. Now all that remains is the rotten smell of death.

Ben:I love the way they start a film when they don’t know how to write the start of a film.

The screen cuts to a shot from the original game with a one-click Photoshop filter over it. Neon crayon lady tells us “You must stop Curien. Or else something terrible will happen”

Justin: That’s probably the best scripting we’ll hear all night.

Justin is right.

The main credits roll. We gleefully celebrate the name of long-time Boll collaborator Max Wanko. It is by no means the last time we will do that this night. Crap Ash introduces the main castthrough avoice-over, because that's much easier than actually developing characters with a script.

Crap Ash: Simon. They say God doesn’t give with two hands, and they’re right. He got the looks, but not much between those ears.

James: Does anyone actually say that? Has anyone ever said that?

We meet the rest of the cast as they stand on a jettee and say words at each other while staring intently in random directions.

David: With acting skills as good as these, they’ve all got long and healthy careers ahead of them. In porn.

3:48: We’re introduced to the ‘rave’ that our walking props are heading to. It consists of about six people dancing in front of a stage with a Sega banner on it.

Justin: Sega throw shit raves.

David: It’s raves like these that put them out of the hardware business.

We also see the first set of gratuiously exposed breastsof the movie. We will discover over the course of the night that Boll likes gratuitously exposed breasts. A lot.

Latest in Survival
Palworld screenshot showing a green dinosaur-like creature with a red mushroom cap atop its head sitting in a wooden hot tub
Palworld isn't coming to the Switch as the open-world survival hit is a "beefy game," but Pocketpair says Switch 2 is "100% worth considering"
Terraria art showing a short-haired blond man sitting atop a grassy field in metal armor, colorful slimes on either side of him
Ahead of Terraria's sixth final update, one dedicated fan has led the creation of the sandbox survival game's ultimate (and first) modpack
Key art for Atomfall showing a character in the English countryside looking at a nuclear plant some distance away
Atomfall review: "This isn't British Fallout – it's something much better than that"
Ark: Survival Evolved
Just days after hinting at Ark 2, a new AI-generated trailer for Ark: Survival Evolved's upcoming aquatic DLC drops – and fans aren't impressed
Palworld
Palworld community manager admits the survival game is "ripe for toxicity" and has a simple solution: "You just call 'em losers and you kick 'em"
Ark 2
After months of radio silence regarding Ark 2, Studio Wildcard finally makes mention of the upcoming survival game sequel once more
Latest in Features
The village green in Atomfall
My first 3 hours in Atomfall feel playing Fallout 3 for the first time, and if you don't check it out I'm legally obliged to bash you with a cricket bat
The Demon's Hand
League of Legends' take on Balatro is one of its best mini-games yet – and it's also exactly what's wrong with this era of League of Legends
Chris Evans in Avengers: Endgame
Avengers: Doomsday release date, cast, plot, and more news
Yasuke standing in front of a Kofun tomb in Assassin's Creed Shadows
It took me over 20 hours to unlock Yasuke in Assassin's Creed Shadows, and a Kofun turned out to be the perfect training ground
Naoe kills a target with a black and white filter over the camera highlighting the red of blood spray in Assassin's Creed Shadows, with an On The Radar orange frame
Assassin's Creed Shadows "has a little bit of Tarantino flavor", but its real secret ingredient is intrigue: "It's almost like you're watching an episode of Shogun"
Helldivers 2 Borderline Justice Warbond helldiver using hoverpack to shoot down with hunting rifle
Talking points from the Game Developers Conference 2025 and how they could impact the future of gaming