Teen Wolf Too (1987)
How Atrocious! Talk about rinse and repeat. This dog-tired sequel to the Michael J Fox classic definitely needs a good shower. Self-plagiarising itself, it’s the story of a teen werewolf who wants to be good at boxing and (natch) win the girl. Howler.
Alternative Teen Dream: Um, Teen Wolf , of course. It’s still a pretty daft comedy, but next to the hairiffic sequel it’s a filmic Picasso. Would you rather watch Cursed?
Shes All That (1999)
How Atrocious! Extra! Extra! Ugly duckling turns into a beautiful swan! Miraculous etc! Except it isn’t, because the supposedly rough-as-the-back-end-of-a-cow Rachael Leigh Cook is obviously gorgeous from the outset, and it’ll take more than a pair of dungarees to convince us otherwise.
Alternative Teen Dream: Sixteen Candles . Now here’s somebody who’s obviously hideous from the out-set. Oh, okay, Molly Ringwald’s brilliant too. But so is this beloved John Hughes number.
Jennifers Body (2009)
How Atrocious! God, girls are bitches, aren’t they? Especially those gorgeous, unattainable ones. We’re kidding, of course, but Diablo Cody and Megan Fox certainly aren’t with this bloody but strangely anaemic riff on the phrase ‘hell is a teenage girl’.
Awkward dialogue, annoying plot and confusing performances add up to the very definition of a bad movie.
Alternative Teen Dream: Carrie . Now there’s a girl who knew how to cause a little chaos with style. Fantasy smackdown with Jennifer vs Carrie in hell would be awesome, too.
Drive Me Crazy (1999)
How Atrocious! Ah, don’t mismatched “I hate him so much !” rom-coms just make you all warm and fuzzy inside? Try a big fat NO! Melissa Joan Hart jumps from broom-riding Sabrina to this crap-riding hokum. It’s lame. Great Britney song, though.
Alternative Teen Dream: 10 Things I Hate About You should sort you out. It has some Heath Ledger as a lovable rogue, whose fractious face-offs with Julia Stiles actually convince.
St. Elmos Fire (1985)
How Atrocious! We’d like it if all the characters involved weren’t so goddamned whiney and horrible. Or would we? It’s dated badly (look at Demi Moore! she’s the only thing that hasn’t dated!) and gives Brat Pack a bad name.
“I always thought we'd be friends forever,” whimpers Kirby. “Yeah, well forever got a lot shorter all of a sudden,” snaps Kevin. Oof.
Alternative Teen Dream: If it’s terrible ‘80s fashion and snippy snark you’re after, take a look at Heathers instead. Shoulder pads, croquet, and some of the darkest wit this side of Cruel Intentions and Mean Girls .
Get Over It (2001)
How Atrocious! Kirsten Dunst bounces perkily from her successful cheerleader comedy to... this. It’s based on Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream , and wants to be the next 10 Things I Hate About You . It’s not. And, yes, that is Mila Kunis standing next to her.
Alternative Teen Dream: Like, Bring It On ! Still perky, still glossy as the hair of a Pantene Pro-V user, but with a snarky wit and some cool grooves.
Loser (2000)
How Atrocious! Ah, never was there more a fortuitous title - the type made for sarcastic journalists in movie heaven. Jason Biggs teams up with Mena Suvari to play the titular idiot and fall for her kooky charms, even as she has her eyes on their college professor.
Alternative Teen Dream: American Pie . Because it’s dated relatively well, is as filthy as you remember and has that hilarious, ever-quotable moment with Alyson Hannigan. Plus, this has Stifler (and his mom).
Just My Luck (2006)
How Atrocious! Signalling the beginning of the end for Lindsay Lohan, the fact that McFly have a pivotal role in this flick’s so-called ‘plot’ should tell you everything you need to know about it. Interesting that just as her character’s luck runs out in the film, so does the actress’... Notable only for an appearance for Chris ‘Kirk’ Pine.
Alternative Teen Dream: Try on the considerably less insulting and actually-quite-funny Freaky Friday instead. Lohan somehow manages to convince as a 40-year-old in a teen’s body, while Jamie Lee Curtis is laugh-out-loud funny as the reverse.
Cant Hardly Wait (1998)
How Atrocious! “For the class of 1998, the last night of high school is the first night of the rest of their lives.” Did that make you want to watch this movie? What do you mean, 'no'? Well, it’s the tagline the studio thought would draw you in. But this story of ‘nerd meets non-nerd and wants her’ is, in the words of the inimitable Steps, better best forgotten.
Alternative Teen Dream: Cool nerds abound in Pretty In Pink , another one starring Molly Ringwald.
13 Going On 30 (2004)
How Atrocious! You go to bed one night aged 13, and wake up the next morning as Jennifer Garner. Tough one. Cue ‘lost childhood’ bollocks and moralising about youth being wasted on the young. Support star Judy Greer deserves better – get this woman a load role post haste!
Alternative Teen Dream: You’ll want to shove Catherine Hardwicke’s masterful Thirteen in that DVD/Blu-ray player instead, trust us. It’s heavy, but a million times more lightweight than the former’s fly-away fluff.
Friday the 13th (2009)
How Atrocious! Jason returns for a revamped, rejuvenated and ree-diculous redux of the original slasher flicks, slicing his way through Jared Padalecki’s mates. Texas Chain Saw Massacre (and upcoming Conan ) remake director makes things looks pretty, but the joyful campness of the original is lost in the odd credibility-grasping tone. A sequel’s on the way...
Alternative Teen Dream: So kill us, but Eliza Dushku’s Wrong Turn is a more fitting successor to the ‘80s Friday The 13th ’s wood-bound exploitation throne. It has some gleeful pant-wetting moments of over-wrought suspense, and a new set of hideous monsters that chill to the bone.
17 Again (2009)
How Atrocious! Did Matthew Perry really have abs like Efron when he was a teenage boy? We bet he wishes he did! Zac Efron plays the pubescent version of Perry’s character in a continuation of his High School Musical cash-in, which mostly seems to be about teenage girls screaming whenever they see the preening minstrel's naval.
Alternative Teen Dream: Watch Big again, of course!
Prom Night (2008)
How Atrocious! How to go about updating the Jamie Lee Curtis original? Pinch the title and do whatever the hell you want with it! Brittany Snow slips off her Hairspray high and plunders the depths of banality with TV director Nelson McCormick’s PG-13 suspense-sapper.
Alternative Teen Dream: Revisit the original Scream , especially seeing as a fourth flick will be hitting screens next April. It remains a cutting, authoritative deconstruction of slasher movies. And that opening scene with Drew Barrymore still packs one hell of a sucker punch.
Crossroads (2002)
How Atrocious! Pre-head-shaving Britney takes a stab at going even more mainstream than she already is by starring as the lead of a sickeningly sweet coming-of-age road trip. She butchers ‘I Love Rock And Roll’, and warbles the film’s nauseating theme tune – something about not being a girl or a woman. Which makes you a bloke, then, love?
Alternative Teen Dream: Basically, if we’ve learnt anything over the last 14 pages, it’s that nobody does teens on the brink better than John Hughes. So shove on The Breakfast Club , and watch a master at work as his hormonal leads learn about themselves.
Twilight: New Moon (2009)
How Atrocious! Sequel to the already-angsty Twilight , under the iron fist of franchise-killer Chris Weitz the vampire drama takes on all-new levels of preposterousness. Crap CGI wolves as well.
Alternative Teen Dream: Ginger Snaps tackles the hoary issue of hormonal teens, along with a dash of female frustration, far more deftly than Twilight ever could. The fact that the monsters are all done using good old-fashioned prosthetics makes us love it even more. Plus, nobody bites their lip - just throats.
