Hair raid
Hello. Im imaginary SAS man Captain Price and Ive got a moustache. Not just any moustache you muppet, this moustache is military-grade face bush developed by lab coats in an off-radar Governmental facility. Dont ask. But lets stick to the primary objective, which is to look at some of gamings most notable moustaches.
Solid Snake | Metal Gear Solid
Is it the man or the moustache that wields the power to change history? I dont pretend to have the answers, Im just a bloody soldier doing my job, but on the battlefield a moustache like this stands for something. Perhaps it stands for liberty, stands for the very freedom were fighting for. Brave men will follow a moustache like this into whatever miserable hell-hole it leads them, because when its your life on the line brave men dont follow politicians, they follow moustaches.
Andrew Ryan | Bioshock
If theres one thing I learnt from Captain Mac, it was never underestimate the moustache of your enemy. Anyone planning an assault on this particular draught excluder would do well to keep that in mind. At first glance fairly insignificant, but take your eye off the target for a second and next thing you know youre face down in a ditch with no fingernails and soaked in petrol. And thats not a nice place to be. Believe me.
Heihachi Mishima | Tekken
What we have here is strong masculine bristle augmented with a primal desire to destroy men. In other words, this is the sort of moustache that could escape the most God-forsaken Gulag and snap the necks of every single guard along the way like its just another Tuesday afternoon stealing post-it notes at the office.
Ray Bulgarin | GTA IV
Im only interested in moustaches I can rely on. Anything else is a bloody liability. And when the lives of good men are at stake theres no room for liabilities. My survival instinct tells me this moustache is a bloody liability, the sort of muppet moustache that needs a map to find its way around a sodding flashbang. A wasp in a Juggernaut suit. Couldnt breach and clear its way out of a wet paper bag. As much use in a fire fight as Imran Zakhaev at a snooker table. No thanks. Muppet.
Mario | Mario
Killed a man with a moustache like this once. He was an arms dealer operating out of an Estonian marketplace, his front was selling novelty Viking helmets to tourists while out the back he was shifting serious hardware to Middle Eastern fundamentalists. It took two kisses from my M82 to take him down one for him and one for his moustache. You can say what you want about the Baltics, but when it comes to facial hair they dont bloody mess about.
Sully | Uncharted
When hes outgunned, outnumbered, and out of his mind, a soldier will look for something anything that makes sense. Because when youve spent six days off the grid, holed up in some cave in the ass-end of Afghanistan, eating lichen and drinking your own urine, things can get a bit muddled. A moustache like this can pull you back from the brink - a tache like this can save your life.
Dr Wily | Mega Man
What if one morning you wake up and the life you knew is gone that the moustache you trusted unquestionably yesterday has been replaced by a moustache that wants to compromise your freedom? Ive interrogated more bloody moustaches than youve had hot dinners, and I can tell you this moustache doesnt believe in a minimum wage or public holidays or a winter fuel allowance for the elderly. Could you live with that, or would you fight for a better moustache? Its your call, soldier.
Mike Haggar | Final Fight
I call this moustache the Tango Whiskey or The Worker because its the sort of moustache you can rely on to get the job done every bloody time. The words mission failed return to base isnt in its mocabulary. Its a moustache thats going nowhere until the intels been retrieved, the terrorists neutralised, and the nuclear warhead disarmed. Always the last moustache on the evac chopper.
Captain Ash
Fine fellow, Ash. A true British gent with a glorious upper-lip covering to match. It's the kind of man-growth that says "Sit down, have a cup of tea with me... but if you touch my tiffin, I'll remove the top of your skull with my revolver, good sir." Here's a fact few know about the good Captain--he's actually got a butterfly-knife stashed in that 'tache in case things get rough at the local boozer come closing time. Hell of a gent!
A version of this article originally appeared on November 23, 2012
