DVDstruction: Bullet Porn

The Transporter | 2002
The Transporter wins the day because it’s a symphony of action movie absurdity. Remember those Matchbox car/Action Figure fantasies you’d day-dream up as an eight-year-old, before the Ritalin prescription? That’s what The Transporter is, and it refuses to apologize.

To Jason Statham’s Frank Martin, every problem presents an equally violent and implausible solution. Bomb planted under your car? Why get out and remove it, when you could corkscrew upside down off a ramp and scrape it from the bottom with a nearby crane. He may be a man of strictly defined rules, but lucky for us, none of them pertain to physics, ballistics or self-restraint.

And, oh, the gunplay! We don’t mean to exclude other weapons. If it’s made of molecules, odds are The Transporter will hit you with it. But it’s the bullets that steal the show. Every round even gets its own golden streak animation, just to give it more personality.

His gun is his sword, his bat, a broom, a garage door opener, and probably his locker combination. He employs firearms just as irresponsibly as Homer Simpson, yet with all invincible grace of John Rambo and Clint Eastwood.

The Disc
Fear not, parents. If a person cannot fly out of a window, under a moving car, or anywhere else off-screen, Statham will shoot the person in the leg. Thus, the victim is left technically alive,thechildren unscathed and the movieearns PG-13. Important to know, because outside of repeat viewings, the disk would only appear to offer the kiddies a single, scene specific commentary track. Although it does feature Jason “Gun Ninja” Statham himself.

Trivia
A scene from the trailer where Jason Statham deflects a missile with a tea trayis not seen in the final cut, as the movie went well past the MPAA’s allotment of awesome during this homoerotic collision of greased up man-muscle.

Don't like guns? Sorry, Nancy. Check out last week's round-up ofCloverfield precursors.