Forget Halo - Horsez is the best game ever

Oct 17, 2007

You've seen them on the shelf. You've seen them in the discount bins. You've even seen them proudly displayed in Wal-Mart ads across the country. For whatever reason, these "take care of virtual pets" games are all the rage, from horses to hamsters to, of all things, human babies. But who actually plays these monstrosities? No one you know, right?

Right?

Well, someone does because the internet is bursting with opinions on each and every one. The EB Games comment sectionis an untamed wilderness of shocking dialogue between fans of fake pets. They vehemently defend the quality of these bottom-feeder games and actively look forward to the next. If they like it, that's fine and all, but most of the comments are unintelligible nonsense, ranging from misspelled affections for their pretend puppies to disturbing sexual revelations. They also spend time ripping into fans of other pet games. Even the EB Games descriptions are full of typos and half-sentences.

We're pitting them against each other to see which group of fans is nuttier than the other. Ready to dive into the mouth of sim-pet madness?

-Horsez-

EB Games says:

- Game fully controllable with the stylus!! (menus, movements, gampelays)
- Ultra realistic horse and foal animations and reproductions

They say:

"This gives you the chance to have a life with a horse!!" - comopasta33

And what a glorious life it shall be.

" the people that dont like this game musy be dum,stupid and a lot os other stuff."

Point well taken.

"I love this game! but I already have a horse!" - Yo

Ok!

"This is probably the best game for the ds that I own! It's one of those games that you never want to put down. This game is extremely realistic, and I would suggest it to anyone who loves (or even likes) horses." - englishfanatic14

It is realistic. We get the same strange looks when we rub in-game horses as we do rubbing real horses.

"The game is terrible and the plot is even worse!" - DS Games Pro

Oh, it's so true. The third act is particularly insulting.

"It's the best 3-D game ever beacause you get to help animals and have fun doing it, all for a great price!"

So much better than all those other 3D games. Mario 64? More like mario6BORE AMIRITE?

"wish I could give it a higher score!! This game REALLY ROCKS!!!! If I could I would give it 10 stars! It does not matter if you LOVE horses or are just getting in to them!!! This game is sooo awsome,I told all the guys and girls at horse backriding class about it! Now every weekend after class we get together at the Frosty Frog and connect!!!" - Horsezrule4ever

It's still too early to be dropping Frosty Frog references. The country has yet to recover from that black day...

"Gee, I sure am excited for this rousing adventure in the horse genre of games. A little niche hobby of mine is admiring them horses, yo" - Allen, Wii version

Word.

-Pony Friends-

EB Games says:

- Spot animals on trail rides
- Use the stylus to remove stones from your pony's shoes
- Use the stylus to write the name of your pony

They say:

"What kind of game has ponies?it sounds kind of annoying and boring to play.I would not be motivated to go to the store and waste my money on a game where you take care of a pony and wash" - bored

What kind of game has ponies? The one you managed to navigate yourself to, for starters.

"I own the game, so I know what I'm talking about. If you don't like ponies then don't get it, but if you love ponies, then you should get it." - GirlGamer

So, if you like it, you'll like it. If not, you won't. Got it.

"It is my dream to have a black and white. Its name is Moonlight. i love the game so much I have unlocked 5 trais soon i can buy another pony. I promise i will take good care oof the ponies." - neea kiiski nk

We hope this person realizes you can't actually own colors, let alone re-name them.

Who wins? Horsez would have trotted away the winner if it weren't for the horrible, horrible story. That and Pony Pals came with a stuffed pony. Instant win.