I don't know who at the ESRB decided this bizarre Schoolhouse Rock-style anthem was a good idea, but bless 'em because it's absurdly catchy

Last week, I got an odd press release. That's not altogether unusual - I'm still deleting pitches for coverage of NFT games to this very day - but this was a rare one with a bizarre hook: "ESRB Celebrates 30 Years with E is for Everyone Music Video & Single Release." The idea of the Entertainment Software Ratings Board of all things releasing a music video and single was so utterly mesmerizing that I had to know more.

When I first clicked through on the video, it had barely reached three-digit views - and even now it's only just above 1,000 views, most of which have to be from me. It is, indeed, a music video for an ESRB song called E is For Everyone. I was immediately gobsmacked. I dropped everything to let the majesty of this thing wash over me.

E is For Everyone has the vibes of a Schoolhouse Rock song and while it's no Conjunction Junction, it's bizarrely catchy. The magical part for me is just how deeply uncool it all is. You can tell the lyrics had to go through a few too many revisions to make sure it all fit the ESRB's branding and messaging standards, and it's all just delightfully awkward. How often do you get a song telling you all about the function of the Advertising Review Council? Not enough, clearly. 

E is For Everyone – ESRB’s 30th Anniversary - YouTube

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"With the help of some of ESRB’s musically gifted staff and composer Alex Engelberg," ESRB president Patricia Vance says in the press release, "this celebratory song helps illustrate the important public service and self-regulatory role that ESRB has performed for the past three decades on behalf of the video game industry."

If the music video on YouTube isn't enough for you, you can also listen to E is For Everyone on Apple Music and Spotify. Because I am obsessed with this whole thing, I have also transcribed the song's full lyrics for you below. Enjoy.

E is for everyone, won't you play a game with me
E is for everyone, I think we make a good team
All aboard to central station, to tell you about this organization
E is for everyone at the ESRB (at the ESRB)

Oh when a new game is ready to launch but the discs aren't yet made
We take a look at the content and the way the game is played
We then give it an age rating so parents can be sure
If it is 'Everyone,' 'Everyone 10 and Up,' 'Teen,' or 'Mature'

E is for everyone, won't you play a game with me
E is for everyone, I think we make a good team
Shopping for games is illuminating thanks to the clarity of our ratings
E is for everyone at the ESRB (at the ESRB)

ARC makes sure the game ads are in line
Breaking the rules can mean you're hit with some fines
Just follow our specs on how the ratings must appear
Be it on a Times Square billboard or the big Las Vegas Sphere

E is for everyone, won't you play a game with me
E is for everyone, I think we make a good team
ARC rules are simple as can be, just look ma we're on TV
E is for everyone at the ESRB (at the ESRB)

Game and toy companies join Privacy Certified
Their products are monitored with compliance in mind
We're thoroughly reviewing how user data is collected
One of our shiny seals tells you your kid's info is protected

E is for everyone, won't you play a game with me
E is for everyone, I think we make a good team
We have members handle data whether a game is out or in beta
E is for everyone at the ESRB (at the ESRB)

E is for everyone (We're all here for the love of the game)
E is for everyone (Putting out ratings is our claim to fame)
E is for everyone (Helping parents make informed choices)
E is for everyone at the ESRB (at the ESRB)

You know what the best games of all time have in common? Most of them have ESRB ratings.