Candy is Dandy
Halloween. That time of the year when we celebrate the Gaelic Samhain holiday of a successful feast while remembering the gods of old. Just kidding, who actually cares about what a holiday stands for? All that matters is candy and costumes--and the fact that its finally culturally acceptable to make children cry!
Yet, while the rest of the world reserves vast quantities of candy for the holidays, video games revel in sugary goodness all year round. Here is a tribute to some of the best candy in gaming, and what we would think it tastes like in the real world.
Rare candy (Pokemon)
What it does in game: Levels up your Pokemon.
What it would taste like in real life: A warhead frozen in a cube of Amp.
Dat lollipop (Bayonetta)
What it does in game: Nothing but a strained metaphor.
What it would taste like in real life: Those really disgusting cherry dum-dums.
Strawberry chewies (Heavy Rain)
What it did in the game: Sold by that man at the playground, your son will hate them.
What it would taste like in real life: Ashen, due to the guilt of inadvertently killing your other son.
Invincibility Lollipop (Kirby's Dream Land)
What it does in game: Renders Kirby immune to all damage for a short duration.
What it would taste like in real life: That perfect moment when your Tootsie Pop is almost to the Tootsie Roll center yet still has the tangy sugar clinging to it, so that every lick is an orgasmic flavor adventure in your mouth. Mmmmmmm.
Candy Chteau (Rayman)
What it does in game: It's the final level in the original Rayman.
What it would taste like in real life: Candy Mountain.
Soothing Spearmint Candy (World of Warcraft)
What it does in game: Makes you look cool.
What it would taste like in real life:Laying in a pool of pulsating beads, Like this, kind of.
Taffy (Clayfighter)
What it does in game: Hes the obnoxious fighter with that insane 815 hit combo.
What it would taste like in real life: Sentient taffy, screaming in agony as you slowly eviscerate it.
Bubblegum (Duke Nukem 3D)
What it does in game: Nothing, but gave us that glorious line, I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and Im all out of gum.
What it would taste like in real life: Axe body spray, rhinoceros blood, and the Cold War.
Bubblegum (Bart's Nightmare)
What it does in game: Repels enemies and collects floating Zs.
What it would taste like in real life: A disgusting piece of plastic after hours of chewing.
Candy (Costume Quest)
What it does in game: Its used as currency.
What it would taste like in real life: Chocolate molded into vague shapes, covered in a layer of colored sugar.
Skittles (Darkened Skye)
What it does in game: Used as fuel to cast spells.
What it would taste like in real life: Like that one time Brad Pitt drank a Pepsi in World War Z... awful.
Popsicles (Zombies Ate My Neighbors)
What it does in game: a type of ammo that can be thrown through walls (?!)
What it would taste like in real life: sound waves and/or heat because those are the only things that can actually go through walls.
Candy Bars (The Walking Dead)
What it does in game: makes you preemptively upset because you know Clementine being happy just means the game is setting up to crush her later on in the scene.
What it would taste like in real life: Probably Almost Joys, because no matter how happy you are with that first bite, theres always that damn almond in the center to ruin the entire candy forever.
Hard lemon candy (Ib)
What it does in game: Given from Garry to Ib to try to cheer her up.
What it would taste like in real life: like hard lemon candy, which honestly why does that exist?
Lollipop Candy (Disgaea 3)
What it does in game: Recovers 50 percent of your character's HP at end of each turn.
What it would taste like in real life: Like hellflame, so basically Big Red gum (by the way if you lick a Big Red gum wrapper and stick it on your forehead for an extended period of time you can get light chemical burns. True fact because I did it once).
Candy (Viva Pinata)
What it does in game: Sustenance for your Pinata.
What it would taste like in real life: Happy candy tastes like Starbursts! Romance candy tastes like sex.
Candy (Recettear)
What it does in game: Recovers 10sp.
What it would taste like in real life: Tastes like parental absence.
All the Candy (Mario Party 8)
What it does in game: Takes the place of the usual items.
What it would taste like in real life: Broken friendships.
Sweets are neat...s
Of course the easy answer here is Candy Crush. But since thats basically an avalanche of Skittles, hard fruit candy, and Lifesavers raining upon your open mouth anyway, it doesnt take too much effort to think about how that would taste anyway.
Did we entice you with thoughts of candy? If you remember candy from any games that weve missed on here let us know in the comments below!
