The greatest game objective of all time

"Reach the duck family and sit down on the bench"

D4 - Deadly Premonition director Swery's surreal cold case mystery - is remarkable for many things. There's mannequin love, there's time travel, there's a lady who is also a cat, there's a lot of magazines to collect for almost no reason. But no one mentions its true achievement. This single game objective, the greatest series of words ever turned into a prerequisite for progress though a game: "Reach the duck family and sit down on the bench".

Like all great games, it must be stolen from. I've taken it upon myself to put this, the greatest game objective of all time, into a few other Xbox stalwarts, so that you can understand the improvement.

Call of Duty

After the horror of No Russian and with the looming fear of a nuclear detonation, this would prove a welcome interstitial mission. Ol' Soap gets to stop for a sit down and a coo over some waterproof birds. For added fun, the line of ducklings would never stop coming until you passed an arbitrary, invisible point on the map.

Metal Gear Solid 2

Be fair, this wouldn't be the weirdest bit of dialogue in the game. The Colonel could even repeat it in that creepy bit where he keeps turning into a skull, but spell "duck" as "death" or something.

Assassin's Creed Unity

Ubisoft's sinister hive mind of devs long ago realised that if you've got one good objective, it should be repeated around 50 times. Bench relaxation is already a major part of the series - duck reconaissance should not be an exception to that rule.

Call of Duty again

This bit was really dour. We'd have to lose the bench (acceptable), but if a duck family stood on top of the coffin and quacked out The Last Post, we think it'd really lighten the mood.

Dynasty Warriors

A personal favourite, here. Replace famed warrior Lu Bu with a six-foot duck holding a scythe, and stick an inviting-looking Chinese pew next to it. That idea alone is better than the last four Warriors spin-offs combined.

Dark Souls

Enough said.

Joe first fell in love with games when a copy of The Lion King on SNES became his stepfather in 1994. When the cartridge left his mother in 2001, he turned to his priest - a limited edition crystal Xbox - for guidance. And now he's here.

See more Games Features