Impenetrable car article: Forza 3’s “Summer Velocity” DLC

2009 Chrysler Jeep Grand Cherokee SRT8

Above: Trying to make a sports car out of an SUV is like trying to make a supermodel out of Susan Boyle.

I hate to say it, but I’m a purist when it comes to racing games, I really loathe seeing lumbering SUV’s invading my fantasy world where I drive one of my 400 exotic sports cars all day without paying for gas, insurance, or maintenance. The Chrysler Jeep Grand Cherokee SRT8, or CJGCSRT8 for (relative) brevity’s sake, follows in the classic American tradition of wedging the biggest possible engine into everything under the sun.

The 6.1 liter Hemi V8 is unfortunately wedged into a completely boring, overweight SUV that gets some fancy rims and brakes to help control the additional horsepower. I can see the appeal of driving a big plush SUV in real life, but comfort doesn’t exist while playing a video game, rendering the CJGTSRCJGJHSRT8 totally snooze worthy.

In-game potential: Unless you like ironically racing against Range Rovers and other land tanks, pick an actual car.

2010 BMW Motorsport X6M

Above: While fairly attractive for what it is, it's still a truck in a sports car's clothing

Almost as annoyingas titanic SUVs are crossover vehicles, a car/truck hybrid that exists solely because people are too proud to drive station wagons or vans. The crossover vehicle is essentially a full size car chassis with a big, top heavy body slapped onto it; the twist is they’re even more incompetent off road.

Like the aforementioned Jeep, this BMW has been extensively tuned by their in house aftermarket performance group to be leagues sportier. 555bhp is nothing to sneeze at, and BMW's M tuning group is one of the best in the world. Aimed squarely at the other super sporty SUV, the Porsche Cayenne, the X6M makes up for it's bulk with massive horsepower and German engineering.

In-game potential: Certainly better than the Jeep, but still impractical and worthlessin a race against a real sports car.

2010 Morgan Aero Supersports

Above: If this car could talk it would say "Pip pip cheerio!"

Certainly the oddest duck of the group, the Morgan Aero Supersports is the very last of a dying breed, a British made car that doesn’t suck. While its looks are definitely an acquired taste, Morgan has been around since 1909 and has a prestigious reputation as an elite sports car builder.

Their original vehicles were hand built, luxurious things that any monocle wearingarchduke would be proud to be seen in. Their original vehicles chassis were actually constructed from wood, a tradition they proudly upheld for years. This newest model sports a BMW 4.8 liter V8 and is a big improvement over its predecessor, the controversially cross-eyed Moragn Aero 8. If only your driver could wear a tophat and goggles while driving this.

In-game potential: Light weight, rear wheel drive and a BMW V8 means it will likely be very fast, but hard to handle. Expect some suspension dialing.

In conclusion, blahblahblah, FORZA blahblahblah CARS.

June 8, 2010