Messages review

The horror, the horror: this Brit chiller is a strong contender for worst film of the year. In sleepy Hertfordshire, Yank pathologist Dr Murray (Jeff Fahey) is being haunted by messages from his dead wife. Meanwhile, a serial killer called The Optician roams the countryside, stealing people's peepers. Imagine supernatural thriller Dragonfly without Kevin Costner and rewritten by a retarded chimp on crack. It's barely watchable tosh: the local cops wear T-shirts and baseball caps stamped with the word "Police" (because there's no budget for police cars), the two lead actors are interchangeable Tom Berenger lookalikes and the "horror" barely gets beyond a few dead chicks wandering around in white robes with empty, CG eye sockets. After ninety minutes of this crud you’ll wish someone would pluck yours out too.