In their quest to complete just one tab of Old School RuneScape's herculean item collection log, one MMO player has robbed the members of a notorious cult of racists 500,000 times and looted an impressive collection of chickens, shrimp, daggers, axes, and much, much more.
OSRS player eat_my_yarmulke has shared their accomplishment with the MMO's community earlier this week, inviting the sort of warm, supportive reception I've come to expect from r/2007scape members. "Ignore the positive comments," reads the top-voted reply. "But... why?" asks another. "I think you need to check yourself into a psych ward, this is too much," adds one onlooker.
Loot from 500,000 H.A.M. member pickpockets from r/2007scape
So, why did they do this? There are two main reasons. Firstly, eat_my_yarmulke is playing an Iron Man OSRS account (with a self-imposed skilling restriction), meaning they can't trade with other players. This is important because, secondly, it means they'd need a good and self-sustainable source of easy clue scrolls, which are like little mini-quests that award a chest of loot from a set pool, if they want to get all the possible easy clue rewards to tick off the matching collection log. As you may have gathered, they did want that – enough to spend "like 100 hours" stealing from racists.
- "There's always time to bone": Old School RuneScape players give a big vtuber so many dragon bones that she's nearly maxed one of the MMO's most expensive skills
- I underestimated Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 and now I've got to find 2,000 groschen or live as a criminal forever – all because of a stupid lute
Who was on the pocket end of all this pickpocketing? That would be the HAM group – that's Humans Against Monsters – which comes up in a few OSRS quests. What's my defense against a libel lawsuit from HAM, you ask? First of all, that is a brand-new sentence. And as the OSRS wiki notes, HAM members discriminate against humanoids like dwarves and gnomes, and actively push for the slaughter of races they believe to be monstrous or beneath humans. In one quest, for instance, HAM members seek to eradicate a tribe of intelligent and reasonable goblins, nearly martyring the player's goblin friend Zanik in the process.
HAM members suck, in other words, so they had this theft coming. In total, eat_my_yarmulke's justified but stolen haul included stashes like (and I'm rounding numbers here):
- 5,000 sets of HAM robes
- 10,000 raw chickens
- 10,000 raw shrimp
- 39,000 woodcutting axes
- 38,000 daggers
- 14,600 leather chest pieces
- 59,000 feathers
- 15,000 cowhide
- 68,000 arrows
- Most importantly: 9,590 easy clue scrolls
Did they actually keep any of this stuff? Almost certainly not, as I'm assuming they prioritized clue scrolls over all else, barring stackable items like arrows. The clue scroll grind is not going amazingly well, if you're wondering (as I was). Eat_my_yarmulke says they can finish eight-to-10 easy clues an hour, and they passed the 3,000-clue milestone nine months ago. They're now apparently over 9,000 easy clues completed but still have not obtained all possible rewards, which is impressively unlucky.
As a skilling-restricted Iron Man, their options are limited and their grinds are long, but this is a serious test of faith even for this sort of account. Asked in one reply about their mental health, eat_my_yarmulke said they are "fine," and elsewhere expressed determination to see the grind through. Godspeed, you racist-robbing mad lad.
In pursuit of a priceless raccoon, another OSRS player spent 149 hours stealing over 14,000 fruit.
