Ninja Assassin review

Oh, you have to applaud this: a few minutes into Ninja Assassin, someone’s face gets sliced off. Someone’s face.

But as it geysers forward from that claret-soaked opening scene, V For Vendetta director James McTeigue’s mega-violent B-movie packs shock and gore and, to be frank, not much else.

For all the severed heads, arms and legs flying about, there’s more cheese here than ketchup. Body shredded with muscle but charisma lost in translation, Asian pop superstar Rain plays an orphan trained by an ancient ninja clan to become a, well, you know.

In a suitably ludicrous plot, we learn that ninjas are being hired by world governments to carry out assassinations and ‘Europol’ agent Mika (Naomie Harris) is on the case in Berlin.

And with that, everything quickly disappears behind a mess of swerving camerawork and awful dire-logue – except, that is, for legendary ninja star Shô Kusugi.

Seek out his Revenge Of The Ninja to see how it really should be done.