5. Manhunt
WHY WE SHOULD SEE IT:
Manhunt is a veritable celebration of cinematic carnage, with a hero’s journey plot, an action-hero lead and an end-of-level baddie that squeals like a pig and pegs it ‘round corridors with a chainsaw. Hell, it even stars Brian Cox.
WHY WE’LL NEVER SEE IT:
Two words, (one of which is actually ‘2’); Manhunt 2.
The escaped-asylum-inmate-goes-on-a-rampage plot of the sequel proved to be so controversial that the game – already being heavily marketed at festivals and in style-mags – was banned, with the unedited version ripped from production lines, consigned to the collections of the people who made it. We can picture them playing it with the lights off, gently weeping at what could have been. But that’s because we’re mean, and we like to imagine people crying.
To put it bluntly, the Manhunt brand recently lost Rockstar Games a bit of time and money, and we all know how Hollywood hates money. Oh, wait, they love it, don’t they?
WHY WE’RE NOT THAT BOTHERED:
We’ve already got Saw 3, Hostel 2 and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning – do we really need another one of these flicks? And anyway, the joy of Manhunt is being able to be the psycho-killer you’ve seen on so many cinema screens. Having to watch James Earl Cash go through the same old chainsaw-crap would be boring. By boring we don’t mean the drill-kind. We mean dull.
4. Tetris
WHY WE SHOULD SEE IT:
It’s made an onscreen appearance before, in the brilliant Office Space. But that was a fleeting glimpse – we’d wager that the most popular game of all time deserves a film all of its own. If they can make Monopoly: The Movie, why not Tetris? Perhaps it could star Shia LeBeouf as an architect with an attitude who has 24-hours to design and build a new city to house a community of robot assassins. Or something.
WHY WE’LL NEVER SEE IT:
Not even Hollywood is so creatively hollow that it’d be prepared to greenlight a film about little coloured blocks slotting into other little coloured blocks. Well, not yet, anyway.
WHY WE’RE NOT THAT BOTHERED:
Are you mad? It’s a game in which the aim is to make little coloured blocks slot into other little coloured blocks! It’d be rubbish!
3. Super Smash Bros. Brawl
WHY WE SHOULD SEE IT:
The latest incarnation of Nintendo’s fighter might not be out ‘til December in the States, but the petition to get it on the big screen starts here. It’s the first Super Smash to feature third-party characters – and the rumour-mill is currently insisting that one of those characters is Sonic The Hedgehog. Mario Vs. Sonic? Why, that’s a battle between good and evil that we’re sure would rake billions at the box office!
WHY WE’LL NEVER SEE IT:
The only confirmed third-party character so far is Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid. We’re pretty sure that Konami won’t want to shove their flagship character into a Street Fighter style film which pitches him against a fat blob called Kirby in hand-to-hand combat. Call us crazy.
WHY WE’RE NOT THAT BOTHERED:
After sitting though 90 minutes of Bob Hoskins as an Italian plumber, we never want to see another film featuring Mario, if that’s all right with you.
2. Space Invaders
WHY WE SHOULD SEE IT:
It’s one of the oldest games, and therefore one of the most well-known. It’d appeal to a broad range of demographics – including your nan and her mates. Also, Space Invaders is cool. Fact.
WHY WE’LL NEVER SEE IT:
In these fast-paced CGI-gluttonous times, a big screen SF flick featuring a spaceship that can only move left and right fighting against the slowest invading force in ET-military history might not sell too many tickets.
WHY WE’RE NOT THAT BOTHERED:
The Halo film isn’t having difficulty getting to our local Odeon. We’ve got bigger fish to fry.
1. Sonic The Hedgehog
WHY WE SHOULD SEE IT:
Sonic is second only to Mario in terms of videogame iconography – he’s had his own comic, TV show, anime film, clothing range – but no CGI movie? What gives?
WHY WE’LL NEVER SEE IT:
Actually, we’re not sure – Sonic’s message is perfect for our eco-friendly zeitgeist; he fights a fat man who invents carbon-footprint stomping machines to enslave cute little animals. What’s not to like? Our only explanation is that Sega’s seen Super Mario Brothers The Movie and has decided that life’s too short. Fair enough.
WHY WE’RE NOT THAT BOTHERED:
We’ve seen the Sonic anime movie and the cartoon, and whenever Sonic speaks it’s a bit annoying. Seeing as the chances of a silent Sonic flick are slimmer than a live-action version starring a real hedgehog that’s been painted blue and stuck on rollerskates, we’re prepared to let this one go.
