SCRIPTEASE Lost

The Reduced SFX Company present Lost in one five(ish)-minute script. Warning: contains spoilers for the whole series!

OVERALL SYNOPSIS OF SHOW

A group of plane crash survivors have spent the past five years trying to get off a mysterious Island. Some of them succeeded while the others bounced back in time to the ’70s. The ones who escaped returned on a mission to explode a nuclear bomb to change the flow of time. Or something like that anyway, we dunno. This is their sixth year of confusing us doing profound things, but the writers know it’s the final season and it will all end neatly with no loose ends at all. Possibly.

ACT 4

A NUCLEAR BOMB has exploded. This has resulted in the passengers of OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 not crashing on the ISLAND after all, despite the fact we’ve spent five years watching them cope with the AFTERMATH of said crash. This is the biggest RESET BUTTON in TV history, barring that year of DALLAS that was all a dream, but this is less silly because it’s SERIOUS DRAMA . Apparently.

The entire cast of LOST is sitting on OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 trying to look as young as they did in 2004. They interact in small ways. BOONE sits beside LOCKE .

BOONE : Hello, I don’t know you at all but I’m going to tell you that my sister Shannon didn’t want to come with me on this flight. Just so you know. In case you were wondering. Even though we’ve never met.
THE AUDIENCE : Guess Maggie Grace was busy, then.
THE WRITERS : We couldn’t /not/ mention her! She was a main character when this show started.
THE AUDIENCE : But drawing attention to her absence kind of makes it worse. Couldn’t you have pretended she was in the loo or something?
THE WRITERS : She’ll be back for the finale, don’t worry!
THE AUDIENCE : Oh, great! Hopefully it won’t just be a random cameo and she’ll get some really nice scenes with her brother and round her character arc off nicely.
THE WRITERS : ...

OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 lands safely. Everybody gets off. Now a LONG AND LABORIOUS PLOTLINE begins in which all the passengers keep BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER . Also, STRANGE THINGS have happened to our HEROES .

SAWYER : I’m an irascible cop.
JACK : I’m a deadbeat dad who’s trying very hard not to be a deadbeat dad because I love my son.
KATE : I’m still on the run, but I’m going to take care of this pregnant Australian girl because I’m nice like that.
HURLEY : I’m the Secret Millionaire performing random acts of kindness, such as giving this guy in a wheelchair a job.
LOCKE : I’m married to my One True Love and am perfectly happy in this chair.
BEN : I’m a teacher and I’m really very lovely.
THE AUDIENCE : We’re confused.
THE WRITERS : Don’t worry, it’ll all make sense in the end.
THE AUDIENCE : I hope so. I’d hate to think this is just plot-filler while you wait for the big reveal in the final episode.
THE WRITERS : ...

ACT 8

PSYCH! The passengers on OCEANIC FLIGHT 815 are actually STILL ON THE ISLAND !

SAWYER : You killed my wife, you sonofabitch!
JACK : Sorry about that. I honestly thought that exploding a nuclear bomb was a great idea at the time.
SAWYER : I need to mourn her for a few episodes, so excuse me while I go off and growl a lot and remove my shirt.
JACK : Don’t you do that anyway?
SAWYER : Yeah, but now I’m doin’ it with feeling .

Our heroes spend inordinate amounts of time RUNNING AROUND THE ISLAND with FLAMING TORCHES THAT ALWAYS STAY LIT even though they’re not dousing them in petrol. They meet a crazy PRIEST-GUY in a TEMPLE and SAYID DIES and comes back to life again, but nobody cares because this plotline is DUMB .

Meanwhile, the SAME CHARACTERS are getting on with their lives in AMERICA .

THE AUDIENCE : We’re confused.
THE WRITERS : You know how we usually do the flashbacks? And then we dabbled in flash-forwards for a while? This is a flash sideways .
THE AUDIENCE : So is it a parallel dimension?
THE WRITERS : You’ll find out in the finale.
THE AUDIENCE : Good. As long as they’re all not dead and in Heaven’s waiting room or something, cos that would be lame.
WRITERS : ...

THE ISLAND is being run by a mysterious MAN IN WHITE named JACOB , even though he DIED last season.

JACOB : I’m going to stand here and tell you lots of Big, Important Things but I will phrase them in such a way that you will never truly understand what I mean. And then I will look kind, or possibly menacing, depending on how you choose to see me.

Meanwhile, a mysterious MAN IN BLACK with NO NAME has taken over LOCKE’S body.

LOCKE : I want to get off this Island. Also, I can turn into the Smoke Monster! How cool is that?

LOCKE as the SMOKE MONSTER kills people in grisly ways. This is, indeed, VERY COOL .

ACT 15

RICHARD ALPERT AND HIS AMAZING EYELASHES gets an entire episode to himself to explain how he arrived on THE ISLAND and became IMMORTAL .

RICHARD ALPERT AND HIS AMAZING EYELASHES : Feel my pain! Watch me emote! Look how terrible my life has been!

This is the BEST EPISODE of the season because NESTOR CARBONELL is AWESOME .

NESTOR CARBONELL : There’s space on my shelf for an Emmy. Just so you know.

THE AUDIENCE : We’re confused.
THE WRITERS : What now?
THE AUDIENCE : How did Richard become immortal, exactly? Was it magic?
THE WRITERS : Don’t worry, you’ll find out in the final episode.
THE AUDIENCE : Good, because it would be silly to waste an entire episode on Richard and then not do anything with him for the rest of the season.
THE WRITERS : ...

With no explanation for where she’s been at all, CLAIRE suddenly shows up wearing a BIRD’S NEST on her head.

CLAIRE : I’m mad, me! Where’s my babee?
LOCKE : Wanna hang out with me?
CLAIRE : Yeah, you’re cool when you do that smoke thing!
LOCKE : Comb your hair. There are birds nesting in it.
CLAIRE : I want my babee!

In the SIDEWAYS FLASH , DESMOND realises that STRANGE THINGS are happening and launches a mission to WAKE EVERYBODY UP . He begins this by running LOCKE over with his car.

LOCKE : Ow.
JACK : Can I operate on your spine and make you better? Please? Pretty please?
LOCKE : No.
JACK : But it’s symbolic! It’s vital so that our characters’ plotarcs here shadow what’s happening to our characters on the Island. Seeing as we’re mortal enemies on the Island, it’s very meaningful that I’m trying to help you in this sideways world.
LOCKE : Oh. Go on, then.
JACK : Great! I’ll operate once I’ve done some more bonding with my son. I have to do that to show the audience that even though I’ve spent the last five years acting as though I’ve got a stick up my butt, I do have a softer side.
LOCKE : Who cares? Nobody likes you anyway. They all prefer Sawyer because he’s sarcastic and takes his shirt off all the time.
JACK : But I’m the star!
SAWYER : Fraid not, Doc. Shoulda given everybody a cutesy nickname like I did, and worked on them pecs.
JACK : Next you’ll be telling me that Hurley’s the true Guardian of the Island and not me!
HURLEY : Uh, dude? We need to talk...

ACT 16

JIM FROM NEIGHBOURS turns up and is evil and enigmatic.

JIM FROM NEIGHBOURS : I’m going to perform a big experiment that will destroy the Island! Or, uh, something, I’m not quite sure. I am really just a big human MacGuffin who serves no other purpose than to kidnap people and create an element of peril.

BEN shoots him. JIM FROM NEIGHBOURS dies.

THE AUDIENCE: We’re confused.
THE WRITERS : [Sighing] Yes?
THE AUDIENCE : Wasn’t he supposed to be really important and all-powerful?
THE WRITERS : Yes, and so we had Ben shoot him in a really offhand way to add some shock value. It’s, like, irony.
THE AUDIENCE : Hopefully we’ll get some payoff for his story arc in the finale, otherwise he’s just been a big human MacGuffin.
THE WRITERS : ...

The OCEANIC SURVIVORS find themselves on a SUBMARINE with a BOMB .

JACK : I’ve become strangely all-knowing and mystical-like since I found a spooky lighthouse a few episodes ago. Therefore I say we don’t touch the bomb and it won’t explode.
SAYID : Screw you!

He DEFUSES THE BOMB . This was a MISTAKE .

SAYID : Oops. Hang on, let’s take this over here...

SAYID EXPLODES .

KATE : I wish I had a penny for every time somebody exploded on this show.
SAWYER : Yeah, the shock value’s really startin’ to fail now. Hey, have I called you Freckles recently?
KATE : Not really, no. This season is far too melodramatic and serious to allow you to be your usual sarcastic self.
SAWYER : Guess I’ll just have to growl an’ take my shirt off or people won’t know it’s me.

The SUBMARINE sinks. SUN is trapped and JIN stays with her to the BITTER END .

SUN : I love you!
JIN : I love you!

They DIE . It is SAD .

THE AUDIENCE : We’re confused.
THE WRITERS : So what else is new?
THE AUDIENCE : We get that that was romantic and everything, and it was very emotional and we’re a bit snuffly, but didn’t they forget something?
THE WRITERS : Have you any idea how hard it is to keep on top of all the loose ends on this damn show? What did we forget this time?
THE AUDIENCE : They had a little girl. Surely any mother would have begged her husband to leave her to die and save himself so that he could raise the kid? And wouldn’t Jin have promised to do this so that Sun could die knowing her beloved child won’t grow up in foster care? They don’t even mention the kid!
THE WRITERS : It’ll all make sense in the final episode.
THE AUDIENCE : You’ll write in a reason why the biological imperative of two loving parents completely malfunctioned?
THE WRITERS : ...

ACT 23

A WOMAN is shipwrecked on the ISLAND and GIVES BIRTH to TWINS . She is then killed by CJ CREGG from THE WEST WING , who raises the babies herself.

CJ : One of you will grow up and look after this Island.
JACOB : Yes, mom.
HIS BROTHER : Why don’t I have a name? That’s tantamount to child cruelty!
JACOB : Shall we call you the Man In Black when you grow up?
HIS BROTHER : Like Johnny Cash? Sweeeeeeet.

Lots of STUFF HAPPENS . None of it ADVANCES THE PLOT in any way.

CJ : You see that light in the cave? You have to make sure it never goes out.
JACOB : Wait, I know a Morrissey song about this.
HIS BROTHER : Johnny Cash could kick Morrissey’s ass.
JACOB : I’m gonna kill you for saying that.

They FIGHT (okay, so it’s not really over their music tastes, but it might as well have been because it’s so ludicrous). The MAN IN BLACK is shoved into the cave, where he emerges as THE SMOKE MONSTER .

JACOB : I’m confused.
THE AUDIENCE : So are we.
THE WRITERS : Did you like our cave? That’s our new MacGuffin now that Charles Widmore is dead.
THE AUDIENCE : Yes, it’s very pretty. But we don’t understand it. At least you explained who the skeletons in the other cave were, though. Thank you.
THE WRITERS : See? We tied up a loose end!
THE AUDIENCE : We can’t wait to see how you tie up all the rest in the finale!
THE WRITERS : ...

ACT 42

It is THE FINAL EPISODE .

THE AUDIENCE : We’ve been waiting six years for this! We’re so confused! By the end of tonight we won’t be confused any more!
THE WRITERS : ...

In the SIDEWAYS FLASH, DESMOND is reuniting people left, right and centre. Many of them meet their ONE TRUE LOVE again. This is EMOTIONAL .

CHARLIE : Claire!
CLAIRE : Charlie!
JULIET : Sawyer!
SAWYER : Juliet!
SAYID : Shannon!
SHANNON : Sayid!
DANIEL : Charlotte!
CHARLOTTE : Daniel!
BOONE : Hurley!
HURLEY : ...Dude, that’s so not cool.
BOONE : "Sorry, I was feeling left out."

DESMOND puts out the light in the MACGUFFIN CAVE .

DESMOND : My entire story arc has been building to this, brothers! This is my moment of destiny! Now you can all find out why I’m so special!

We DON’T. DESMOND actually ROYALLY STUFFS THINGS UP .

DESMOND : Poo.

JACK and LOCKE have an anti-climactic fight. JACK wins, despite the fact that LOCKE could have gone SMOKE MONSTER on his ass at any time.

JACK : I am in charge of the Island now! I will turn the light back on and everything will be fine!

He turns the LIGHT back on by placing a PHALLIC POLYSTYRENE ROCK into a HOLE , which then GUSHES and fills with water. It’s all very suggestive.

THE AUDIENCE : Were we supposed to be sniggering here? Cos we are.
THE WRITERS : Um, okay then.
THE AUDIENCE : What is that light, though? We still don’t understand.
THE WRITERS : Wait till it ends, you’ll see.
THE AUDIENCE : Phew, you had us worried there! There’s bound to be a scientific explanation for it.
THE WRITERS : ...

The characters in the SIDEWAYS FLASH gather in a CHURCH .

SAYID : Wait, what’s with all the Christian overtones? We’re not all Christians here, you know!
THE WRITERS : Shhh.

JACK’S FATHER appears and tells JACK that he is DEAD .

THE AUDIENCE : Wait, what?

In fact, everybody in the CHURCH is DEAD .

THE AUDIENCE : Wait a minute... didn’t you guys say this wasn’t going to happen a few years back? You lied!

There is a protracted sequence in which EVERYBODY HUGS . Over and over. In slo-motion. A lot. It is HIGHLY EMOTIONAL , but only because MICHAEL GIACCHINO’S SCORE is a work of art.

THE AUDIENCE : They can’t all be dead! That means everything they went through this season meant nothing!

JACK is still on the ISLAND . He crawls away from the MACGUFFIN CAVE until he finds the BAMBOO PATCH where he first woke up on the ISLAND . VINCENT THE DOG , or a reasonable fascimile thereof, lies down beside him. The CAMERA goes in on JACK’S EYE , which closes as he DIES . This is PLEASINGLY CYCLICAL and is a lovely nod to the first episode, so WE WILL NOT MOCK IT .

EVERYBODY in the CHURCH walks into the LIGHT . THIS WE CAN MOCK .

SAYID : Even though I was an evil torturing assassin and probably not even a Christian, I still get to go to Heaven? I like this ending!
THE AUDIENCE : We don’t! Let’s get this straight: everybody in the sideways flash was already dead, so their story arc this year was a giant waste of time? But everybody on the Island was really there, and some of them are still there now? And they all died at different times but all came together anyway in that church? Yet we don’t know what happened to Walt, Michael or Mr Eko because they weren’t there, we don’t know why the Island healed people, we don’t know where Jacob’s mum came from or who the woman was how raised him and his brother, and we still don’t know his brother’s name or what the smoke monster was? We don’t know what the deal was with the button Desmond kept pressing, or how there were all the time jumps, or WHAT THE HELL THAT LIGHT WAS THAT NEVER GOES OUT ? This isn’t scriptwriting, it’s spinning out a story without paying the slightest attention to where it was going or what it meant! This sucks! ...hello? Hello?

THE WRITERS are on a plane to HAWAII to hide out from ANGRY FANS . It doesn’t crash. Or maybe it does, but in a sideways universe. Who knows? It’s just ANOTHER QUESTION THAT GOES UNANSWERED .

VINCENT THE DOG : I should probably mention that ‘dog’ is ‘God’ spelt backwards, just to give you something else to ponder.
THE AUDIENCE : Oh, bugger off.

THE END .

Script by Jayne Nelson