SFX Issue 20

Christmas 1996

Never  Again

Now Neil Gaiman’s inventive Neverwhere has drawn to a close, many addicted viewers will be hoping for a new series in the near future. To expedite this process, SFX would like to make the following suggestions for some potential new characters and locations, based on the old faithful Tube Map…

• Holborn: Door’s cousin. Not an “opener” as such: instead she, er, burns holes in things.
• Burnt Oak: A tree that once got in her way.
• Gospel Oak: Its sister, a talking tree that evangelises passers-by.
• Barbican: A plastic doll who likes to help
• Cockfosters: A giant, boozy bird, permanently sloshed on the Amber Nectar.
• “Hanger” Lane: A retired magistrate from the Cromwellian era, frequently drafted in by Messrs C & V to “adjudicate.”
• Tooting Broadway: His absolute pet hate. The only area of London Below where smoking marijuana is legal.
• Chalfont & Latimer: Two Oxbridge types, the nearest London Below has to QCs. (The other “Old Firm.”)
• West Ham & East Ham: Twin pigs, belonging to Mr Vandemar.
• Barking: Mr Croup’s pet dog.
• Seven Sisters: Young, excitable types in lovely flowing period dresses, who waft around reciting the novels of Jane Austen and trip over a lot.
• Elephant & Castle: A more docile relative of the Great Beast Of London – and his kennel.
• Blackhorse Road: The very heart of London Below’s banking community.
• Wapping: An immensely fat tramp, who spends his time poring over old copies of The Times .
• Russell Square & Euston Square: Twin librarians of London Below, who wear matching crimplene trousers, tank tops and orange kipper ties. They also insist that you abide by the rules of the establishment – BE SILENT!
• Turnham Green: A giant with a nasal problem.
• High Barnet: A punk with a Mohican that reaches to the tunnel roofs.
• Kew Gardens: A park of discarded Astroturf, shaped like an immense snooker table and haunted by the ghosts of retired pool hall hustlers.