The Secret Lives Of Dentists (2003)
What it’s about: Drama focusing on the lives of two dentists who happen to be married to each other.
What we wish it was about: Shocking hidden camera doc, showing dental professionals switching teeth around for no reason, competing to see who can fit the most instruments into a mouth at once, and, in one awful sequence, resting a flaccid penis on a patient’s forehead for over five minutes.
The Wisdom Of Crocodiles (1998)
What it’s about: Jude Law’s nihilistic vamp trudges around London merking fools with his teeth until he meets a pretty lady.
What we wish it was about: During a river boat journey down the Congo, a famous author is injured in a freak beercan accident. A doctor on board must perform an emergency operation with the the only available transplant - a crocodile brain.
Initially insane, the author goes on to teach humanity several profound lessons, all thanks to the wisdom of crocodiles.
Koyaanisqatsi (1982)
What it’s about: A delirious non-narrative film filled with beautiful photography of the natural world contrasted with the created landmarks of civilization.
What we wish it was about: Jiving drama set in the hot and heavy discos of 1970s New York, with Bruce Willis the dangerously-hipped swingster bringing a fresh dance craze to town: the Koyaanisqatsi!
Leonard Part 6 (1987)
What it’s about: A rubbish spy spoof starring Bill Cosby as a former CIA agent turned unwatchable clown.
What we wish it was about: A bleak Austrian serial killer movie. Totally dialogue-free, it features the matter-of-fact murder and dismemberment of a man known only as ‘Leonard’ by an unseen killer, who numbers the body parts as he works.
As the bits of Leonard are driven to an industrial landfill at the end of the film, part 6 falls onto the road and is seen in lingering close-up.
2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
What it’s about: More extra-pimped street racing with Paul Walker as the cop-turned-wheelman in this wax-polished sequel.
What we wish it was about: A dark rom-com detailing the sexual troubles faced by two couples – one suffering from premature ejaculation, the other by wild spasms during lovemaking which lead to serious injury and, in a tragic ending, death.
Mystic Pizza (1988)
What it’s about: A coming of age tale in suburban American focusing on the staff of a restaurant called Mystic Pizza.
What we wish it was about: The discovery of a mixed cheese and pepperoni pizza in Renaissance Naples, the layout of which, according to Bruce Willis’ gifted seer, foretells the next 500 years of professional wrestling title bouts.
How To Make An American Quilt (1995)
What it’s about: Several generations of women reflect on life and stuff while sewing a quilt.
What we wish it was about: A harrowing faux-documentary account of an American field agent captured in Yemen and forced during months of torture to form a quilting bee with several other prisoners.
The Emperor's New Groove (2000)
What it’s about: The emperor of a jungle state is turned into a llama and must team up with a local villager to win back his country.
What we wish it was about: Set in between Revenge Of The Sith and A New Hope, New Groove has Darth Vader chasing down a band of errant musicians who tricked Emperor Palpatine into thinking he could hear really cool music, when in fact no music was playing.
feardotcom (2002)
What it’s about: Steven Dorff’s detective investigates the discovery of several people who were apparently scared to death after visiting a website at fear.com.
What we wish it was about: A viral marketing campaign for CompareTheMarket.com goes horribly wrong when a group of rabid meerkats invades New York.
Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)
What it’s about: Bruce Willis’ wrong time, wrong place cop unsurprisingly finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time, as a group of terrorists hijack an entire airport.
What we wish it was about: Tragic documentary about a widowed father of two struggling with priapism, facing the daily challenges of providing for his family at permanent full-mast.
